Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Eagles Week 1 Report Card

Hey everyone, we're back again this season! Shame it started so craptastically. Anyway... on to it!

ZWR: I ate a meatball sandwich. The sandwich was great. The first half was obviously a debacle, but Sammy Sleeveface was killing it in the second half and that leaves me hopeful. He's going to destroy Dallas next week write it down in pen. Grade: B (But a definite A+ on Sunday)

DG: Bradford was... good? Kind of? He threw the ball a million times and it mostly went where it was supposed to. I suppose that's a positive to take away here. Analysis game on point in Week 1. Grade: B+

Going Hardinger: It was pretty rad when Sam Bradford turned into a short/intermediate route cyborg during the second half. Grade: B+

Evster: Ugh, if Hardinger is going to be using words like "rad" this year, I'm not going to be able to handle it. Bradford was fine. Better than Jay Cutler, but not nearly as good as Y.A. Tittle. Grade: F forever

ZWR: Srsly don't ever say rad again.

Doc Pizza: Here’s a joke I came up with: I guess Bradford’s wifi connection was bad during the entire first half because he was lagging so bad he was throwing to guys approx 30 minutes before they broke their routes. Decided to make some easy passes in the second half I guess. Grade: C+

Running Back
ZWR: There is zero reason to not throw the ball to Darren Sproles every play. Like, if I were the coach, he’d have had 47 receptions last night. Pretty sure that would be an NFL record, too. DeMarco Murray is good I guess. Not good enough for third and one with the game on the line or anything, but good.

DG: I get noticeably sad whenever Darren Sproles isn't on the field. Like if you saw my face you'd be all "Hey, what's wrong, buddy? Ryan Mathews just got a first down," and I'd lie and say "Nothing," but the truth would be that I really wanted Darren Sproles to get that first down. He is my favorite. Grade: C

Going Hardinger: Would enjoy it if our outrageously talented, well-paid backfield receives more than 16 carries against the Cowboys next week. Darren Sproles is adorable. Grade: B-

Evster: Ugh again, here goes Hardinger breaking out his stats, using big fancy numbers like "16" to tell us how many "carries" guys had. Here's some analysis for you: Darren Sproles runs like a chicken. A tiny, shifty, delicious chicken. I love that chicken. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Stop talking about Sproles. He’s not even a running back really more of a miniature wide receiver. I’m reserving this section for handoffs for today. With that said, I wish the Birds had a great North-South runner from a division rival who could gain positive yardage ever when we really needed it oh well maybe next year I guess. Grade: C

ZWR: There were two plays in proximity of each other in which (a) Josh Huff never turned to look at his quarterback and the ball hit him in the butt and (b) Miles Austin looked like my neighbor when we play catch in flip flops reaching for a pass that was in front of him. Didn’t we take a kid from USC in the first round? Didn’t Miles Austin retire in 2009? Where the hell is that fella from Roxborough? Grade: C+

DG: It will take scientists hours of extensive examination of this game tape to determine if we have a receiver other than Jordan Matthews on the roster. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: Miles Austin and Riley Cooper make me sad. Grade: C+

Evster: At one point early in the first quarter Brent Celek had the opportunity to jump over a guy but instead chose to lower his shoulder like a big, dumb Hardinger. Miles Austin used to date Kim Kardash. That's incredible. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Darren Sproles is our best receiver and the only “real” receiver we have dropped a pass right through his arms to allow an interception to seal the game is how I’m feeling right now about our wide receivers. Grade: D+

ZWR: OMG cheer up guys we got this.

Offensive Line
ZWR: That new guard guy picked up Ryan Mathews and carried him into the end zone. Seemed like a smart play. Additionally, Sam Bradford isn’t dead. Grade: B

DG: Jason Peters is not allowed to get hurt. My heart can't handle it. Grade: B-

Going Hardinger: Seeing Matt Tobin on the field for any amount of time gave me a heart attack. Grade: C-

Evster: With around two minutes left in the game, I got a phone call from my mom. I obviously didn't want to answer, but figured she was watching the game alone because my dad had fallen asleep/died, and was just gonna say something quick and stupid like, "Seeing Matt Tobin on the field gave me a heart attack," so I figured I'd answer. Turns out, one of my cousins recently underwent a double mastectomy, and even though that's obviously sad, my mom felt the need to tell me EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about it and went ON AND ON and it's like, "We get it, lady! Give the ball to the chicken!" Anyway, I had to pretend I gave a sh*t during the most crucial point of the game and figured this was the right time and place to complain about it -- something my mother obviously knows nothing about. The O Line holds too much. Grade: A forever (Jason Peters)

Doc Pizza: Not sure if the offensive line was aware in the first half that they’re supposed to prevent multiple guys from getting in the back field during running plays. Not sure if they were aware of that. Can’t be positive. At this time. Grade: C-

Defensive Line
ZWR: Kind of wish we got sacks every once in awhile but these guys play very hard and try their best. Grade: A-

DG: So here's my question: This show The Bastard Executioner... is the executioner a bastard, or is his job to execute bastards? I hope it's the latter and he's actually very pleasant. "Quite sorry about this. You know, the job and all. Personally I thought you were a nice guy, but..." Then THWAP with the sword. Now there's a show. Grade: BB

ZWR: I hope it’s the latter.

Doc Pizza: Is it Olly’s spin off from Game of Thrones? LOL get it?

Going Hardinger: It’s pretty dope to know that Fletcher Cox and Bennie Logan are liable to eat someone’s soul at any given moment. Grade: B-

Evster: Check out this tweet by Fletcher Cox, my favorite non-poultry player currently on this roster/menu:

Grade: B?

Doc Pizza: Wow one sack. Maybe if Matt Ryan didn’t have a thousand hours to throw on every down Julio Jones wouldn’t have had 30,000 yards receiving. Again, just one man’s thoughts. Grade: D

ZWR: Kiko is a banger and Barwin is a baller and Kendricks is legit and DeMeco might be toast sorry Mufasa we love you. Big game from Marcus Smith (we used a FIRST ROUND PICK IN THE NFL DRAFT on him). Grade: B

DG: There is no reason Kiko Alonso can't play both ways this season. I mean, he had ALL LAST SEASON OFF. He's plenty rested, I say. Line him up at tight end. Grade: B+

Going Hardinger: Shady can go screw forever Kiko is an animal. Is Brandon Graham alive? Grade: A-

Evster: How 'bout Kiko showing off a little midriff last night! Grade: F (not a chicken)

Doc Pizza; Thank goodness we signed DeMeco Ryans who is older than my dad but still, god bless him, trying to play NFL football. Really nice of Chip to give the old man a shot at being the oldest professional football player to completely destroy all my hopes and dreams. Nice INT from Kiko. Grade: C

ZWR: I can’t deal with Byron Maxwell stinking I can’t do it don’t do this to me. Grade: Fart

DG: Stink. F

Going Hardinger: Byron Maxwell made me feel nauseous. Grade: D-

ZWR: Hi guys it’s me ZWR again sorry to interrupt. I love him, but I’m pretty sure Malcolm Jenkins can’t catch.

Doc Pizza: Jenkins catches one of those INTs and we cruise to a 40 point win smh

Evster: I thought we decided last year to rename this section the Eric Allen Memorial (not dead) Secondary section. I'm quitting this blog until this section gets renamed (again) (or until you fire Hardinger). Grade: N/A

ZWR: Oh that’s right I forgot. I’ll fix it next week so that you don’t have to re-write your part!

Doc Pizza: Pretty cool that we had to pray Matt Ryan sneezed or had like something in his eye if we ever wanted him to throw an incomplete pass. My suggestion to Byron Maxwell would be to: perhaps play closer than 30 yards from the opposing receivers. Guy got torched by friggin Jacob Tamme, didn’t he? Grade: F

Special Teams
ZWR: Eff you go screw. Grade: F

DG: Cody, you dreamy wiggly-legged bozo. Let me love you. For the love of god. Grade: D

Going Hardinger: If you’re hurt, you’re hurt. Make the kick. Grade: -__________-

Evster: I don't understand why more punters don't try to punt the ball directly into an opposing coach's face. Seems like the move. Grade: F forever

Doc Pizza: What if Cody made that kick haha could you even imagine it? Well let me tell you I spent the entire night until around 3:30 AM doing just that and I can confidently say this: I would have been happier if he made it. Grade: F

ZWR: Dude, Chip didn’t want to kick the friggin’ field goal. They showed him on the sideline before he sent Parkey in there, and his face totally said “Dude, I don’t want to kick the friggin field goal”. Unfortunately, his mouth said, “:Let’s kick that field goal guys!” I don’t like our defensive coordinator. I haven’t liked any of them since Jim Johnson. Grade: D

DG: Hopefully the lesson Chip took away here is always, always go for it. Always. Grade: B-

Going Hardinger: 100% go for that and they win the game. Sick to my stomach. Grade: C+ holy god did you see how good the offense looked in the 2nd half

ZWR: Hi it’s me again I’d like to make a senseless rant. Listen up, Billy Davis, you’ve got one more week. If you donk it up against Dallas on Sunday night you’re out of here. OUT OF HERE! I’ll fire you myself. May I please have your email address? You know, in case I have to fire you.

Evster: What is the point of having a super bonkers offense if you're not going to throw a moon ball on every possession? Just drop back and throw the ball to the goddamn moon. Hire a giraffe to play wide receiver. This is not rocket science. Grade: F

ZWR: I'd legit take a giraffe over Riley Cooper.

Doc Pizza: New nickname for our coach here it is Chicken Sh*t Chip. We stomp them for like 30 straight minutes then all of a sudden we decide to be like ughhh ahhhgghh ummmm *20 seconds go by* ughggffhhhh ahhhh uhhhhh ok Cody you got half a second go kick a field goal I guess I think our defense can stop these guys from getting into field goal range haha. No we couldn’t. More like average-to-small sized balls Chip. I’m still furious. Grade: F-


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