Monday, September 28, 2015

Eagles Week Three Report Card

We wonned! No joke, Evan emailed me asking that I link to his Twitter account in the introduction because he wants more followers how pathetic. Soooooo let's get to this week's victorious report card, with DG, Going Hardinger, Doc Pizza, and The Evster!

ZWR: I finally found a lucky gametime meal! Meatball sandwich failed week one, Chinese food blew it week two. This week, though, cheesesteak straight killed it. Good job, cheesesteak! “But ZWR, you live outside DC there aren’t any good sandwich places there those people are vanilla, culture-less, suburban slugs who live for crappy chain restaurants!” True story bro, but the Weg sells shaved steak and their bakery is a banger. Sam Bradford doesn’t impress me. Yeah, I know, Sproles and Mathews each dropped balls on wheel routes that could have been big gainers and all, but still you need to throw LASERS (or moon balls) to wide receivers DOWN THE FIELD to get an A from this penguin (or the Evster). Grade: C

Saved the season, yo

The Evster: He may not be able to throw the ball beyond 13 yards, but our quarterback is the best looking man in football (and that’s all that really matters). Every time they showed Sam Bradford yesterday my wife would shout out, "Wooooooo, Dusty!" This week, I'm picking up a Sam Braddles T-shirt jersey in hopes of getting an over the blanket hand-jammer later this week. I'll let you know how it goes. Grade C-

DG: You know what? You take away the drop by Mathews and the drop by Sproles and the drop on the third and long by Agholor, and suddenly Sam Bradford's number for this game look pretty good. Which is pretty crazy because I watched the whole game and he looked baaaad and awkward and bad. It's like his internal monologue every time they snap the ball to him is "Oh man oh man oh man okay Sam focus oh man oh man THROW." Which is comforting. Grade: B-

Going Hardinger: On my walk back from Beaver Stadium during the second half of the Penn State football game on Saturday I saw a blacked out man weighing at least 250 pounds eat a crabapple off the ground and then proceed to violently throw it up on a campus walkway at the behest of his friends. It reminded me a lot of watching Sam Bradford play QB. Grade: C-


Doc Pizza: Let me just get this out of the way right now I watched yesterday’s game from a Buffalo Wild Wings in Pittsburgh yesterday completely by myself (well, there were other people in the bar but no one who was associated with or chose to associate themselves with me). The Eagles game was played at the same time as the Steelers game. Imagine the worst experience you’ve ever had in your life go ahead I’ll wait. NO, it was absolutely not anywhere close to as bad an experience as I had being in a Buffalo friggin Wild Wings during a Steelers game Sam Bradford smells his hands not only after he poops but after he pees as well. Grade: D+

ZWR: I'm just gonna leave this gif from ChipWagon here...

Actually go read this post right now he's very good and smart- not at all like us morons here.

Running Back
ZWR: Darren Sproles is easily the best human on this team. I love him so hard. Ryan Mathews can’t catch (omg I know he had a touchdown shut up) but he ran hard, which was nice. Also, he didn’t fist fight his teammate like Jonathan Papelbon did. Grade: A

The Evster: Props to Ryan Mathews for having the first good game of his career but my game ball goes to my favorite little chicken man. I love watching my little chicken man run. And when he caught that punt and got his little chicken legs moving and started doing his little chicken shakes, wooooooooo Dusty! I was ready to eat some chicken! Grade: A forever

DG: Somehow, through a process I love but do not understand, Darren Sproles, the smallest player on our team by a substantial margin, has become our short yardage back. And it works! Grade: A

ZWR: Dude the defense can’t see him until it’s too late. Plus, low man wins. There should be way more tiny goal-line backs.

Going Hardinger: It was almost startling to see how hard Mathews ran after it looked like DeMarco Murray was running in slow motion for two weeks. I miss Chris Polk, dude was a short yardage banger. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: Like there was a woman SCREAMING at the top of her lungs on every single Steelers offensive down. Incomplete pass? Ear piercing-scream. Rush for 2 yards on 1st and 15? Blood-curdling scream. Big Ben’s leg gets busted and his career ends? Yelling like you’ve never heard in your life. There is absolutely no conceivable reason I can think of to not give Darren Sproles the ball on every single down if there ever comes a single play where his hands to not come in contact with the ball I think the Eagles should be forced to forfeit the game and/or be removed from the league. Grade: B+

Wide Receiver
ZWR: Chip, I know for a fact you’re reading this-- here is some free advice from your guy Zoo: don’t throw to Miles Austin on third down ever again. I mean it, don’t ever do this. It doesn’t work. He’s actually been retired since 2013. Danger can cover him without any safety help. As for the other donkeys, Nelly still doesn’t get enough action and I continue to hate Riley Cooper. We’re really missing James “Night Games James” Casey, though didn’t as much yesterday since it was a 1PM kickoff. Grade: D

The Evster: What a privilege it was to watch two of the all time great wide receivers -- Brandon Marshall and Miles Austin -- battle each other on the ole grid iron. Marshall finished with a Marshall-esque 10 grabs for 109 and a tuddster, and while I don't exactly remember Miles Austin's stats off the top of my head, he once again proved he has what it takes to eat a sh*t sandwich. Grade: F


I am fascinated by this tweet. The gratuitous hashtags, the fact that this is how Boyz II Men is engaging with their fans in 2015, all of it. The future is strange. Grade: C

Going Hardinger: Miles Austin and Riley Cooper are horrendous excuses for professional football players and giving them meaningful snaps is honestly approaching jail-worthy for Chip Kelly. Grade: C-

Doc Pizza: Well, if you wanna see some #brand #engagement the best way to reach a new #audience is to use #hashtags! Many #Twitter users will #search #hashtags for #relevant #topics that interest them or to find #social #influencers they want to #interact with. After Matthews last drop yesterday, Eagles receivers grew their lead-leading drops total to 45 million through three games. Grade: D-

Offensive Line
ZWR: Sammy Sleeves is still alive and Mathews had over a hundred yards rushing soooooo I’m gonna go with a solid B+. Grade: B+

The Evster: I can't handle how delicious Smartfood™ is. My move is to eat as much as I can with one hand, suck the cheese off my fingers, and then go to town with my other hand while my first hand dries. Then I repeat that method over and over again until the bag is empty or I have full-on heart palpitations. Grade: B

ZWR: We have to pack a snack for the WAH to take to kindergarten each day and got her a twelve pack jammer of little Smartfood bags she loves that crap.

DG: Bought a bag of mint Milano cookies at Wegmans two days ago and I already ate the whole thing. I regret no parts of that sentence. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: I was at the gf’s parent’s house this weekend to get tf away from the Pope and his cult crazies and her mom had these sweet potato chips, which were good, but I think there’s this misconception that sweet potatoes are good for you or something so I had about 20K chips and just about puked orange all over their couch and rug beneath. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: I thought Mathews made a lot of those yards himself but I pretty much agree with everything zoo said. I ate so much food yesterday I honestly feel like I may die in the next 48 hours from residual damage. Grade: B

Defensive Line
ZWR: I don’t want to get carried away or anything, but Brandon Bair had pretty much the greatest game ever. Dude batted down eleventy passes. I’m sure Cedric Thornton does great work in the trenches but he’s never blocked literally every other pass the other team’s quarterback has thrown in a game before. Grade: A

The Evster: That Pope mass on Sundee was pretty boring. Grade: B (for boring)

ZWR: I was an altar boy way back when, and would get scared to death every time I had to hold the little plate thingie under people’s mouths during communion. You don’t wanna drop Jesus, yo.

DG: Best part of the Pope mass was friggin Marky Mark up there. I did not know that was gonna happen, so when they were like "And now, Mark Wahlberg," I was all "Ha, this priest has the same name as waaaaaiiiit a second." Which brings me to my point: Do you think the Pope has seen Boogie Nights? Grade: A

Getty Images

The Evster: That wasn’t the Pope mass, Danger, that was the Saturday Night Pope Viva Variety show (which was straight-up BIZARRE). But whatever, my favorite part of the SNPVV show was after that adorable little pudgy kid sang some song about Jesus and Marky Mark whispered something in his ear the kid yelled, “Loved you in Ted by the way!” Without a doubt the greatest moment in television history.

Doc Pizza: The thing that confuses me personally is why Mark Walborg said go eagles during his speech or whatever the guy is from Boston let’s remember that. Sure he played Vincent Papaley in the movie Invincentable but the guy’s not a True Fan and is only placating us I do not care for it personally who’s Brandon Bair? Grade: B

Going Hardinger: Watched zero Pope coverage and feel like a better person because of it. Our DL is so deep that even the guys who are healthy inactive change games when they’re in there. Grade: A-

ZWR: Connor Barwin is a gem. Dude does everything and seems very happy. Jordan Hicks is going to be a legit banger, which is good because DeMeco Ryans and Kiko Alonso are like thisclose to being dead. #HOOKEM Grade: A

The Evster: I feel like linebackers should go back to wearing those horseshoe neck collars. They might be able to help with the whole concussion prevention thing. I went on a cross-country flight recently and used one of those horseshoe neck pillows and arrived completely and totally concussion free. Just something to think about. Grade: B

DG: For a team with no living linebackers, the Eagles put together a surprisingly life-like performance. Grade: B+

Going Hardinger: I want to officially add my name to the growing list of Jordan Hicks enthusiasts. I’d also like to know if Marcus Smith died over the summer and the Eagles just never told us. Grade: A

Doc Pizza; Wanna circle back on the whole Mark Wharlburgh thing for a minute if I can now I didn’t mean to say he’s a crap head for saying “go eagles,” I mean I appreciate that he said it and maybe it did maybe it didn’t have an effect on the game but I just wanted to take a few moments to remind people that he’s not an eagles fan and is from Boston so take everything he says with a grain of salt. Grade: B

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Korean Wings
ZWR: Walter “The Thermostat” Thurmond is a certified BALL HAWK and Eric Rowe ganked that fool in the end zone and Byron Maxwell didn’t trip into the goal post. How can you complain with a performance like that?!?!?! Grade: B+

“The Thermostat”! I am so good at giving out nicknames.

The Evster: I don’t think we talked about my little chicken man enough. He is such a cute little chicken man. I want to eat an entire chicken. Grade: B

DG: Everyone did good! Nolan Carroll cheated once but didn't get caught! Brian Dawkins tweeted about Vin Diesel!  Grade: A

Going Hardinger: It’s kind of wild how out of all the ridiculous stuff Chip did this offseason, moving an injury-prone slot CB to starting safety despite him never playing the position before at any level of football has been by far the most successful result out of all of them. Also I’m pretty sure Nolan Carroll might be our best CB. Grade: A-

Doc Pizza: If I may, I’d like to hit on a few more points about Buffalo Wild Wings – the beer was seriously ice cold and I got 3 big Miller Lites for $3 each that’s a pretty good deal regardless, wings were fine, bathrooms were clean, parking was decent, bartender didn’t pay all that much attention to my needs but he was pouring beers for the entire restaurant so I don’t blame him that much, and BWW tweeted at me thanking me for coming to their eating place even though we must’ve tweeted at them 20 times about how their brand stinks on the whole. Grade: B+

Special Teams
ZWR: Is Cody Parkey’s leg hurt? Dude’s not bashing kickoffs out of the end zone anymore. That one ball just sort of chilled at the three yard line and everyone was like “Bro you rolling out of bounds?” and it was like “Frankly, I don’t know” but then it did and that was sad because a kick that just died on the three yard line like a punt would have been a banger. Oh also game-changing punt return touchdown in a must-win game. Grade: A

The Evster: Okay, now my little chicken man is getting his proper props. That’s nice for him (and nice for chicken which also does not get enough respect for always being delicious). Grade: A

DG: Sproles. Grade: A

AP Photo

Going Hardinger: I will never understand why the Saints gave Darren Sproles away so they could overpay CJ Spiller a year later. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Man by the end of these things I’m really running out of stuff to say or to circle back on but I’d like to touch on one more important point RE: Marc Wallburg is he really that nice of a guy didn’t he like beat the crap out of some people or something and don’t even get me started on Ted that crap wasn’t funny at all come on now. Nice play by Sproles to save us again. Grade: B+

ZWR: I want Duce Staley as offensive coordinator. He’s inspirational, and can eat any players who make mistakes. “Riley- get over here! You’re supposed to get depth before running the cross when you’re the Z in Delta Right Montana Tango Under NOMP /Duce Staley eats Riley Cooper in four bites while everyone cheers his death Grade: A

The Evster: Three weeks, no moon balls. Grade: F

DG: Chip still looks a little broken because he super was trying to run the clock out instead of trying to score 60 points in the fourth quarter alone, but okay. OKAY. We can build on this. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: Chip was trying to run out the clock with like 28 minutes left in the game and I was like hey buddy I know you’re not too good with taking your time, which is FINE, but my guy 28 minutes is too long to run out the clock you gotta keep trying to score. Shouldn’t have to keep telling you this at this point. Grade: C

Going Hardinger: Was he trying to run the clock out or was the offense just broken again in the second half? Needs to get more consistent, opposing WRs aren’t going to just give you ill-advised attempted laterals in their own territory every week. Grade: B-



  1. Holy but, I also watched zero Pope coverage. I was like haha Marky Mark talking to the Pope, must be some joke I don't get. Also, ZWR's photoshop skills are improving. Then I saw 5 more mentions and thought, boy they sure are stretching out this joke, so I googled it and it was real.

    Bottom line, I learned that a 90s rapper and currently crappy actor spoke in front of the leader of the Catholic church with 11ty million people watching from a blog about the Phillies in an article about the Eagles. This world is a strange place.


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