Monday, September 21, 2015

Eagles Week Two Report Card (SPOILER: F)


Hi everyone. Danger Guerrero can't participate this week as he's immersed in Emmys coverage for his real job. He's pretty lucky to not have to discuss this game, if you ask me. On to it! 

Quarterback
ZWR: I don’t do video games very often, but ended up playing the new Madden the other day. I called a pass play and thought there was a receiver who was the L1 button, so when the guy made his break I kept pushing it frantically only he wasn't L1 at all and nothing happened so then I panicked like a giant doof and hit the triangle or something and threw the ball right to the other team. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to Sam Bradford on that interception in the end zone. Riley Cooper was the L1 button that wasn’t. NOT TO MENTION Bradford looks like he has a damn bath robe tucked into his football pants I can't even. Grade: F-

Going Hardinger: The interception in the end zone actually gave me Legionnaire’s Disease. Grade: F-

Evster: I watched the game with my buddy and his three-year-old daughter, Maisie. We spent most of the second quarter playing with Peppa the Pig (who seems like a pretty cool pig) and searching for her stuffed lamb, Lamb'y (she was under the couch). Later I taught Maisie the phrase, "Our quarterback eats dogs**t for breakfast." Grade: F





ZWR: I watched Strawberry Shortcake after the game it was better than that slopfest. Bring Maisie down for next week’s game she’ll have fun at our house.

Doc Pizza: With a new coach at the helm and a potentially renewed lease on life, I think Vinny Lecavalier can rebound to post 20 and 20 this season, possibly making himself a viable piece of trade bait come the deadline. And if Umberger can return to form at least a little now that he’s healthy, I think the offense will actually be OK. Grade: Sam Bradford should retire from the game of football

ZWR: Umberger stinks.

Running Back
ZWR: We could have Voltron playing running back and it wouldn't matter our offensive line stinks. Grade: Frank Gore

Going Hardinger: 21 carries, 11 yards. Grade: F-

Evster: Maisie (and her family) recently got back from a trip to Disney World. I asked Maisie what her favorite part of the trip was and she said "eating waffles." Apparently a big thing at Disney World these days is eating waffles. Maisie even had a magnet of a Mickey Mouse waffle that we pretended to eat (with syrup and butter). I later threw it at a door. Grade: F




ZWR: We took the WAH to Disney when she was three and I ate nothing but Mickey Waffles and Biscuits w/ Sausage Gravy for breakfast. That was probably the greatest week of my life. So many places for syrup to puddle up in that thing oh my I'm going down there for my cousin's wedding in two weeks gonna gain fourteen pounds of waffle weight.

Doc Pizza: OK I was just as upset about Embiid’s injury as everyone else was, but I honestly believe this could be the last year we deal with this stuff from the Sixers. Watch some of the guys progress a little more, See what Jah can do, and maybe we have a 25+ win team this year with all the momentum heading into next year. One more year then we’re off to the races, I think. Grade: A 3-headed running back machine is what they told us we’d have!

Receivers
ZWR: Josh Huff was a bright spot, which is good. Everyone else stunk to high heaven, which is not very good. Grade: F

Going Hardinger: Interesting that Jordan Matthews’s hands didn’t work until the score got to 20-3 Dallas. Grade: D-

Evster: Miles Austin seems to have recaptured his Pro Bowl form. Looking for another big game out of him next week. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Well if you’re not excited every single time Jake Voracek jumps on the ice I just don’t think you’re a hockey fan. The guy can flat out play and is looking more and more like Jagr every time he’s along the boards. I don’t think 90 points is out of the question for him, I really don’t. Grade: Here’s a list of people on the Eagles who can catch a football à

Offensive Line
ZWR: Me thinks maybe we should have, ummm, well, possibly added an offensive lineman or two who can play in the NFL over the course of the last two offseasons? Just maybe? I don’t know- I’m not a guru. Just throwing it out there. It’s a thought. Might be a good idea. Grade: F

Going Hardinger: How did we all just sort of assume that replacing our 2 starting guards without drafting an offensive lineman since 2013 was just going to go swimmingly? Grade: F+

Evster: By far the highlight of the game, both for me and Maisie, was the Burger King chicken fries commercial that featured three chickens sitting on a couch. How they got those chickens to sit on a couch is beyond me. Every time it came on Maisie would yell, "Uncle Evy! Look at those chickens!" She did the same thing during a Chick Fil-A commercial that featured a dancing chicken. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: There is no way I’m gonna miss a game at Pegula Ice Arena in State College this year. Place is electric and that Nittany Lions team behind coach Guy Gadowsky is a thrill to watch. Really not inconceivable to think they’re in the Frozen Four within the next three years. Grade: I’d rather have good players than bad players. Chip Kelly disagrees.

Pic from here

Defensive Line
ZWR: These guys literally broke Tony Romo’s body and it was all for naught. Also, they’re 300 pounds and had to go back onto the field every thirty nine seconds, but they kept battling and killing fools which has to be hard. I ate chinese food at halftime and could barely walk again until 8:30. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Fletcher Cox is cool. Grade: B+

Evster: Look, I think it's great that the D-line broke a man's collarbone, but there was a time when the Eagles defense broke collarbones on like every single play. I miss those days and I honestly love complaining. Grade: B

ZWR: Surprised you haven’t complained about Hardingerer and his patented one sentence emo entries TBQH

Evster: The guy is a goddamn embarrassment and needs to be fired immediately.

Doc Pizza: Who caught the Emmys last night? If you didn’t get the chance to see Viola Davis’ acceptance speech, do yourself a favor and go find it online. First black woman to win the best actress in a drama, while not acceptable that it took this long, couldn’t have gone to a better person or actress. How to Get Away with Murder is definitely worth watching for her performance alone. Grade: Whatever.

Linebackers
ZWR: They’re all dead. Grade: Dead

Going Hardinger: Two games in and arguably the best and deepest position on our roster is now a weak spot. Grade: I want to die

Evster: When Michael Mychal Hendricks pulled his hammy, Maisie literally took a dump in her pants (not her diaper, noooooooooo, not her diaper, but her pants). Grade: B

Doc Pizza: Who here is excited to watch Andrew MacDonald play defense for the Flyers again this year! Ha, I’m kidding of course, but there are a number of great defensive prospects in the pipeline for the Flyers who should make MacDonald’s roster spot more palatable. Guys like Ivan Provorov and Travis Sanheim, not to mention the others in Robert Hagg, Shane Gostisbehere and Sam Morin, and this team is set up on the blue line for years. Give it until next year, but we should very soon begin to see some of these talented guys in the Orange and Black in South Philadelphia. Grade: Ryans is a charity case and the others are made of the same glass they make Christmas ornaments from.

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Sweet & Sour Chicken Dinner
ZWR: The Dallas Cowboys were starting a giant pile of stink at receiver and we were able to hold that pile of stink in line. Byron Maxwell had a huge strip that Malcolm Jenkins returned deep into Cowboys territory to set up a game-changing offensive possession … and we snapped the ball into our quarterback’s chest while he wasn’t looking (and one fat moron guard wasn’t even squatting correctly) and then Sammy Sleeves LITERALLY looked at the ball and dove sideways away from it I already said it y'all I can’t even. Grade: I'm so angry

Going Hardinger: Byron Maxwell is Cary Williams is Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is Nnamdi Asomugha is *head explodes into giant pile of brains* Grade: Giant pile of brains

Evster: We should change the name of this section to "The Eric Allen is dead and we all know it and our secondary is garbage but played okay this week except for that one play by our $63 million shutdown corner who is absolutely terrible". Grade: F

ZWR: Wait, Eric Allen is alive though right?

Evster: No idea.

"You're all idiots"

Doc Pizza: I honestly haven’t been more excited for a movie in a long while than I am about The Martian. I have always been a fan of space movies involving humans (Star Wars does not qualify here), and combine the fact that Matt Damon is the lead actor, and this film is set up to be killer. Haven’t read the book year, but may want to save the excitement for the theater. Grade: Brandon Weeden completed multiple passes in case you forgot.

Special Teams
ZWR: We tried an onsides kick and the ball went six yards. Grade: F

Going Hardinger: The offense got outscored by the Cowboys’ special teams until under the 2-minute warning. Grade: Stink

Evster: The play when Demarco Murray jumped over a guy and then got into it with Cowboys kicker Dan Bailey had to be one of the most incredible plays in NFL history. Dan Bailey got flagged 15 yards for essentially trying to grab a guy. Poor Dan Bailey. I felt sad for him. I might be a Cowboys fan. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Back to the Flyers for a second if I can…While I’m as concerned about regression from Steve Mason as anyone is, there wasn’t really a point last season where I thought wow this guy is getting really lucky and some of these will start to go in. He’s positionally sound and athletic as hell. Now he did have a monster year last year, which is bound to come down slightly, but I still think he’s a top 10 goalie in the league right now. No clue what happened in Columbus and quite frankly I don’t want to know! Ha! Grade: Can’t even give the ball away correctly

Coaching
ZWR: F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Going Hardinger: That was the least fun I have had watching football in quite some time. Grade: Fart tortilla

ZWR: No way that’s true you go to Penn State and you just got owned by Temple and never beat Ohio State just saying…

Doc Pizza: Oh go screw. Penn State just embarrassed Rutgers and is gonna do the same to San Diego State University this weekend. Tough game versus Temple and, while the offensive line and QB play isn’t where is should/needs to be, Saquon Barkley is a monster!

ZWR: You’re right Doc, that wasn’t nice. GO PSU!!!

Evster: I understand that in the NFL, if you want you to throw a ball as far as humanly possible, a bunch of things must happen: 1) your quarterback must actually catch the ball when it's snapped to him, 2) your offensive line must prevent players from killing your quarterback, and 3) your wide receivers (or horse) must run really really fast down the field. None of these things happened yesterday, but I still feel like it could've helped to try and throw one ball to the goddamn moon. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: First preseason game tonight on CSN let’s go Flyers! Grade: I’d rather get run over by the PopeMobile multiple times after it had just driven through a massive pile of horse sh*t than ever even see a photograph of Chip Kelly ever again.

AP Photo

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