Monday, October 12, 2015

Eagles Week Five Report Card

We wonned! ZWR was there!!! LEGGO...

ZWR: You guys cannot even comprehend how good the breakfast sandwich I ate from Angelo’s in the Jetro lot was. Look at this thing:

Cheesesteak egg and cheese (not redundant, I don’t want it to sound like a dumb T-Bone or something) on an absolute banger freshly baked bagel my face literally broke off and had to be taped back on. Sammy Sleeves was dealing, and with the exception of two interceptions in the end zone that would have likely ruined games against good teams looked wonderful, poised, totally in control. Everything gets an A I love life. Grade: A

The Evster: After a suck start to the season, Fox sent their #1 suck broadcasting team, Thom Brennaman, Charles Davis and Tony Siragusa, to do the Eagles-Saints game. And you know what? They didn't suck! Even though Thom Brennaman spells his name like a total a**hole, he was not that annoying to listen to, and Charles Davis seemed like the type of guy who'd be cool to eat pancakes with. Goose was obviously meh, that's to be expected, but overall it was a pretty suck-free broadcast. It sure is nice when things don't suck. Sam Brads threw two interceptions in the end zone. Grade: C-

Going Hardinger: Tony Siragusa gives me ear cancer but it’s nowhere near as bad as the Legionnaire’s Disease I got watching Slammin Sammy Bradford throw 2 atrocious red zone INTs in the first half. I also had a great breakfast sandy yesterday, a McLanahan’s Quadzilla (egg, cheese, bacon, sausage, pork roll on a plain bagel). Sam Bradford looks like a punter playing QB. Grade: B-

DG: Brad Samford. Grade: B

The Evster: Nice one, Danger.

DG: Get bent, perv.

ZWR: LOL he’s a total perv.

The Evster: I was being sers!

Doc Pizza: I went to Little Pete’s for breakfast on Sunday and had a ham and cheese omelet with home fries, scrapple and toast. Don’t really foresee myself needing to eat again until approx. November. Sam Bradford should throw to our guys in the endzone instead of the bad guys. Just #mytwocents. Grade: B-

Running Backs
ZWR: I think I said this before, but I would throw the ball to Darren Sproles every play- every other play at a minimum. For example, if I were head coach of the Eagles yesterday Sproles would have had 46 receptions for 337 yards and four touchdowns. All would have been NFL records. That said, current head coach Chip Kelly did a good job of using Sproles and the other RBs, who had like a billion yards rushing and caught balls and scored touchdowns. Grade: A

The Evster: At one point during the game, Goose compared my little chicken man, Darren Sproles, to Barry Sanders. And it's like, okay, I love my little chicken man, and I love his little chicken moves, but Barry Sanders?! There are just certain people and certain things in this world that have no comparison, like Barry Sanders, Amber Rose, Clyde Drexler, tuna melts, the dude who played that mask guy in the movie Mask, Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies only costing $1.09, you get what I'm saying. Ryan Mathews looks like the next Gale Sayers. Grade: B+

Going Hardinger: If you got stuck watching the game in non-HD (as I was because apparently it’s illegal for college fraternity houses to get HD cable boxes), it was still pretty easy to tell when Ryan Mathews or DeMarco Murray was in the game because one of them looked like a cannonball being shot out of a cannon and ripped off solid chunks of yards every time he took a handoff and the other one was DeMarco Murray.

ZWR: OMG this whole “Ryan Mathews is better he should get the ball more” thing needs to stop right now dude gets hurt every fourteen snaps he’s perfectly fine at his current usage.

DG: You know what would make a good running back? An actual eagle. You could put the ball in his talons and then have him fly over the goal line. Impossible to stop. Also then you could put him in a little bird helmet. It's a good idea. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: Imagine if you got a job where you were paid a billion doallaers but it’s like really dangerous to do your work but you can’t really get fired at all and your boss says hey we’re gonna let you just do a little bit of work, but still pay you a boatload, so why don’t you take it easy for a long while. Why would you be upset with that? Grade: C+

ZWR: A few drops by the wide receivers, but they were getting open consistently and our tight ends were the tightest! Ertz and Celek made everyone forget, if but for a moment, the loss of James “Night Games James” Casey. Josh Huff stole the show, of course, with his front somersault into the end zone. He had a clear path to the score, so literally nothing but negative outcomes could have come from his attempting to flip into the endzone: fumble for a touchback, injury, penalty for excessive celebration. It made absolutely no sense. I loved it. Grade: FRONT FLIP.

Going Hardinger: Remember that time like a trillion years ago when Desean was questionable with like a groin injury against the Chiefs or something and then scored on a long TD and did a front flip into the end zone anyway that was rad.

The Evster: I heard a rumor that Zoo got in a fight with Riley Cooper's girlfriend at the game yesterday after calling Cooper a "scrub" and think it's (Editor’s note: bunch of curse words) that you're not giving us more deets, Zoo.


DG: More like Riley Pooper, in this reporter's opinion.

Going Hardinger: It’s criminal that Night Game James is on waivers right now with a Monday night showdown looming against the Giants next week and we haven’t even heard rumblings that the Eagles might bring him in. Kind of starting to worry me that Jordan Matthews may not actually be able to list “catching footballs” as a skill on his resume. Grade: B+

DG: I am not opposed to our wide receivers starting to cheat -- glue, tacks, tar, cut off their hands and replace them with super strong robot hands, etc. -- if it will cut down on drops. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: What an amazing story this is! The Eagles are truly a model franchise! Letting a player who was born without the ability to catch the football in Jordan Matthews still continue his dream of playing in the NFL! Incredible courage shown both by Jordan and Chip! Grade: D+

Offensive Line
ZWR: Jason Peters is one of the coolest Eagles ever. He looks the part, he beats up people who hit his quarterback, and he plays on one leg. Granted, his one leg weighs 175 pounds, but he’s still amazing. Loved Kelce boinking butts and bonking blocks. Grade: A

The Evster: I gotta talk about this Chase Utley thing real quick. Look, I love Chase, of course I do, the World F'n Champions thing, the hustle, the hit by pitches, the homers, I was even okay with his soul patch (ugh, that is hard to admit, VERY hard), and I'm also a big fan of rough and dirty play (oh be-haaaave), I loved Rick Mahorn and Wes Hopkins and am totally cool with giving kids toy guns to play with, but (and of course you saw a "but" coming, this whole paragraph was set up for this one stupid "but") that slide was dirty as hell and they were right to suspend him for two games. I get it, takeout slides, it's part of the game, ball players are taught from a young age to blah blah blah, but ugh, Utley was nowhere close to the bag when he BROKE THAT DUDE'S LEG. You can easily break up a double play without smashing a guy's tibia. Maybe it's the rule that's stupid, just like it's ridiculous that you can plow a catcher over at home plate but can't plow a dude at second? Or third? Just make plowing over guys a thing! You know what? You know what? The next time a Dodger runs toward second base, whoever the Mets’ backup shortstop is should throw the ball right in his face. That slide was nasty, and uncalled for, and c'mon already with that soul patch, dude, you're better than that. Los Angeles can suck a fatttttttyyyyyyyyyyyy. Grade: B+

ZWR: FU maybe that guy should have a better tibia and screw the Mets move to New York you scab pig.

The Evster: Shut up and stop being such a homer and such a prude and just print my curse words for once on this stupid website. This is 2015. No one cares if you use the word TITBOX. Stop hating stuff. Love everyone. The dude on the Mets who got his ankle broke is just a simple guy from Panama who worked his entire life to get out of his shi*box of a country and now he can’t even walk let alone play the sport that he loves because A BONE IN HIS ANKLE IS BROKEN. Dwight Gooden did so much cocaine. God bless him. Hell of a drug.

DG: Watched Spy this weekend. Jason Statham is a delight. Grade: A-

Going Hardinger: Wondering if the 6-3, 250 pound blacked out man I saw eat a crabapple then violently throw it up on a campus walkway at the behest of his friends last weekend would be a better backup lineman than Matt Tobin if he bulked up a little bit and stopped eating crabapples. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: Does this offensive line have it out for DeMarco Murray??? They must actually have it out for him because there’s no other legitimate reason that Murray would be worse than Mathews (unless Murray is actually bad and not good which is not possible, according to Murray). Grade: B+

Defensive Line
ZWR: Fletcher Cox was the defensive line equivalent of Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson yesterday. Dude had the Gordie Howe hat trick on one play: sacked Brees, forced a fumble, recovered the fumble, and got a roughing minor. Grade: Eh

The Evster: Overall awesome game from the D-line, but I'm going to need more quarterback shoulder separations going forward. Thank you. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: The Eagles haven’t had a defensive lineman as good as Fletcher Cox since literally I have been alive. Related: Fletcher Cox is probably going to be my next jersey purchase. Grade: A+

DG: I like Bennie Logan. Not enough dudes named Bennie out there. Founding Father Bennie Franklin. And so on. Grade: A+

The Evster: Was talking about that this weekend with a lady I met at a party who is married to a dude named Benny. The first few we came up with were: Benny Hill, Benny and the Jets, Benny Goodman (that was hers, I never heard of him), Benny Hill again, then I kept saying Benny Hill over and over until she left me standing there saying the words “Benny Hill” out loud to myself for around ten minutes while eating crab dip. Pretty good dip. Grade: Crab dorp

ZWR: My neighbor’s name is Ben.

Doc Pizza: Getting tired of people using explitives on television and everyone just being OK with it???? Like I have my kids watching this game with me and I gotta hear Thom Brenemanamen say cocks 1000 times a game??? How do I explain that to them????? Grade: Would prefer they just say Fletcher.

ZWR: Jordan Hicks is going to make no fewer than nine Pro Bowls. I wish they still played the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. I never watched it, mind you, I just like seeing fat people in Hawaiian shirts and Leis. Grade: A

The Evster: This guy sitting in front of me on the subway (possibly on heroin?) just dropped his red bandana on the ground. Should I tell him he dropped it? I should probably tell him he dropped it.

ZWR: I think I saw him doing Whip-Its in the parking lot after the game! In fact, I saw lots of grown men inhaling gases from balloons yesterday. Not thirty year olds-- like dudes in their fifties in dad jeans and white Nike Monarchs. It was surreal.

Going Hardinger: There is no more powerful dad fashion statement than doing Whip-Its in a parking lot while wearing a t-shirt and no belt tucked into dad jeans. When/If Kiko Alonso and Mychal Kendricks are both healthy they should get one of those Cerberus deals going at ILB and DeMeco Ryans should be a handsomely compensated locker room motivational speaker and sideline cheerleader.

DG: The first time I saw dudes doing balloons of nitrous in a parking lot I was maybe 11 and I thought they were all sucking helium to do funny voices. I thought this was the coolest thing ever. "Those guys know how to party," I thought. Jordan Hicks is a first ballot Hall of Famer. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: Here’s something I’m getting a little tired of the term “Front 7.” The linebackers are the middle 3 or 4 or whatever. They’re not on or in the front of anything. That’s like calling every baseball boy an outfielder except the catcher. No, everyone has a position to play just say the linemen and the backers are doing good or whatever. Marcus Smith had sex on Sunday! Grade: A-

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Federal Donuts Fried Chicken (Brought to you by Federal Donuts)

ZWR: Walter “The Thermostat” Thurmond turned up the heat and had another interception! My man has one every game I like this and hope it keeps up. Byron “Maxxin’ it to the Max” Maxwell was fine and “Rollin’” Nolan Carroll held his own. Good job good effort. Grade: A

Look at these sandwiches:

The Evster: Okay, I didn't get a chance to tell the drug addict that he dropped his bandana because quite frankly I'm a few rows behind him and we're now in the part of the subway tunnel where it's VERY LOUD and HARD TO TALK but he just passed out and his sunglasses are falling off his ears and now I feel bad about putting this out there on the Internet. Heroin is a nasty drug, people. Don't do it? Grade: B+

Going Hardinger: Byron Maxwell was invisible, and it’s kind of a bummer that that’s a positive outcome for our $63M cornerback in the 5th game of a 6-year contract. This is our best safety tandem since either B-Dawk and Michael Lewis or B-Dawk and Quentin Mikell depending on how heavily you weigh longevity vs. absolute face-smashing hits. Either way, Malcolm Jenkins is pretty damn rad. Grade: A-

The Evster: Hardinger, you have now used the word “rad” twice in this post and once a few weeks ago and I know I told Zoo earlier that it’s important to love everyone and everything and to stop hating on so much stuff but omg Hardinger this isn’t friggin’ Malibu, c’mon.

DG: I just realized an eagle wouldn't work as a running back because you'd have to get him to land in the end zone for the touchdown to count. Unless we gave Riley Cooper one of those big leather gloves and trained the bird to land on his arm. Or is it falcons that do that? And what if it think Cody Parkey's hair is a nest and keeps trying to land on it out of bounds? Let's call this plan a maybe until we do more research.

Doc Pizza: They fired someone at work today. Grade: A-

Special Teams
ZWR: Absolutely nothing to complain about and this kind of makes me sad. Grade: A

The Evster: Honestly who gives a sh*t about special teams and who gives a sh*t about this football team? I fell asleep during the fourth quarter. Grade: I honestly don't give a sh*t

Going Hardinger: I want Caleb Sturgis nowhere near any sort of meaningful kick and I’m paralyzed with fear that it’s coming soon. Grade: A

DG: Watch Fargo tonight! It's a 9good show! I know because I'm a big fancy TV writer and I get screeners! Eat your hearts out, nerds!

Doc Pizza: I had a guy who lived on my floor freshman year whose name was Caleb but he was actually pretty cool of a guy surprisingly unlike Caleb Sturgis who’s the human equivalent of an ingrown toenail. Grade: B

ZWR: I sure hope they didn’t tell guys to stop doing front flips into the end zone. Grade: A

The Evster: The guy went for it on fourth down. That's all I'm looking for in a coach. Grade: A forever

Going Hardinger: Pretty good I think? Grade: A

DG: I bet Chip Kelly is a maniac at the craps table. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Truly is amazing how little energy each of us has by the end of these things and can’t even muster a capital letter at the beginning of our analysis. Chip did good. Grade: B+

Shot a man in the head after yesterday's game. Crowd encouraged a murder.

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