Monday, October 26, 2015

Eagles Week Seven Report Card

Ugh that game stunk. The Evster's in France, but the rest of us idiots are here to re-live the misery. Enjoy!

ZWR: I don’t think Slingin Sammy Sleeves Brad-So-Radford looked too bad last night, especially considering his offensive line can’t block and his receivers can’t catch and his coaches refuse to give the ball to running backs who score 63 yard touchdowns. Grade: C+, whatever. Oh wait, he got sacked by his stupid sleeves that’s unreal. Updated Grade: C

Evan sent this photo:

Going Hardinger: I could spent a long time talking about the throw Bradford made that were slightly off but still catchable or the fact that we gave up a 2nd round pick to pay a marginal upgrade at QB $13M but instead I’m going to talk about the sack on Sammy B that was literally only possible because of those trash sleeves he wears. Grade: Trash Sleeves

Doc Pizza: What an absolutely incredible game from Samuel Bradford! I did not notice a single incident, and I don’t think I missed one, where Sammy Boy was snapped the ball without knowing it was coming. Like, every single play on Sunday, from what I remember, Bradford was snapped the ball and was fully prepared for it! Unbelievable! Way to go, Sam! Grade: A+

DG: Pretty good season of The Good Wife so far. Grade: C

Running Backs
ZWR: Do you like those bags of chips that have like Doritos, Cheetos, and Sun Chips in them? I think they’re called Munchies? Those are a total BANGER. Our backfield is like a bag of Munchies. Murray is the Doritos (that’s generous but just go with it), Mathews is Sun Chips (he’s from California), and Sproles- who I love the most on Earth family included- is definitely the Cheetos. Grade: A

Going Hardinger: Really hope they find the man who kidnapped Ryan Mathews after his 63 yard touchdown run last night and bring him to justice. Grade: B+

Doc Pizza: Not too much you can say about Demarco Murray other than WOW. Again, I didn’t notice more than one or two times on Sunday where Demarco took a 5-yard loss on a run. Seems crazy to think about today, but this young man has improved so much that now he’s getting almost one yard PER CARRY! Simply a courageous effort from Murray and one of – if not the best – comeback stories of 2015. Great job, Demarco! Grade: A+

DG: What I like about The Good Wife right now is the way they’re changing things up. Giving Alicia some new lawyer friends, bringing in Jeffrey Dean Morgan to handsome it up a bit, etc. Change of pace. Solid. Grade: A-

ZWR: OMG don’t even get me started with the friggin drops. I’m going to be that guy, I’m going to do it. I apologize. I sincerely apologize. Here goes: They should have drafted Allen Robinson. You know who else would have helped? James “Night Games James” Casey. There’s no way he’s dropping any passes in a night game.

The Carolina Panthers (who wear teal!) were starting Kurt Coleman last night. Kurt Coleman is objectively the worst coverage safety in the history of the NFL. I looked it up, he gave up eleventy billion five pass plays of over 40 yards while with the Eagles. Somehow this should have been used to our advantage. I don’t know how that is but dammit something should have been done! This is futile. Life is futile. We’re having soup for dinner. Good soup weather. Grade: F- (Eagles), A (soup).

“LOL ZWR that’s the only souper bowl you’ll see this season”

Not now eyes-too-close-Sam Bradford.

Going Hardinger: I’ve been saying it (Robinson) since draft night 2014. I hate to be that guy too but…

In an ideal world you would have a group of pass catchers who are able to or even good at “catching passes”, but I guess you can’t always get what you wish for. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: I hate to be that guy but…holy smokes what a game from Jordan Matthews! After multiple games where he dropped 3 or 4 passes he went out there on Sunday, picked himself up by his bootstraps, got serious, and dropped it only 2 times against the Panthers! I am so proud of Jordan. So proud! Can’t wait to see what the rest of the season brings! Grade: A+

ZWR: Doc Pizza hasn’t been this mad since his dissertation committee told him to omit the Ellio’s Study.

Doc Pizza: First of all, it was RED BARRON pizza. And second, I’m thrilled with the effort I saw from an Eagles team who many didn’t even think would win one game this year!

DG: I don’t get what Diane is up to, though. Like, dang, I get that Reese’s deep pockets can keep the firm in good financial shape, but for the love of God, Diane. You can’t just toss aside your convictions like this. You’ll end up dead and empty inside. The money can’t be worth it. Grade: D

Offensive Line
ZWR: Dude are you allowed to have a prayer circle and then bring a guy off on a cart and then say that he’s questionable to return? I legit thought Jason Peters died for a second there. Also it seems our offensive line is terrrrrrrrrible. At one point Chris Collinsworth called Allen Barbre “Barber” and I thought we had a new lineman and got so excited. Grade: F-

Going Hardinger: Can we get in touch with the Mon-Star who stole Jason Kelce’s powers and ask nicely for him to give them back?

Doc Pizza: And here we go again…what a superb effort from Lane Johnson! By my count he had just the two false start penalties and an offensive hold that the referees missed. That could have EASILY been 3 false starts and a called hold but Lane didn’t do that. He, and the rest of the offensive line, played absolutely outstanding in Jason Peters’ absence, completely preventing Sam Bradford from getting injured. You don’t do that without a large amount of grit and intestinal fortitude. Great job, boys! Grade: A+

DG: You know what Good Wife character I miss? Robin. Robin was great. I thought for sure they’d bring her back once they got rid of Kalinda. This show discards more characters than Game of Thrones, I swear to God.

ZWR Note: Never watched the show hope this is the right lady

Defensive Line
ZWR: Our defensive line had a tough game last night, but they rule. Fletcher Cox actually tackled a running back by throwing the blocker into his legs it was amazing I can lift like 35 pounds before I start to cramp up and the people in the gym form a prayer circle like the Eagles players did for Jason Peters.

The Evster would say "more broken clavicles please" I'm so sad and miss him so much. Grade: B

Going Hardinger: Do you know how terrible it feels to wake up at 7:15 for an unpaid internship the morning after a prime-time Eagles loss? I’m not ready for this kind of adulthood yet. Grade: Tired

ZWR: OMG shut up you’re in college it’s literally the greatest time of your life you want misery get ready for the next forty years you idiot.

Doc Pizza: OK, football is hard. We can all admit that. HOWEVER, for Bennie Logan to commit just the two encroachment penalties inside the 10 yard line was undoubtedly the best performance from a defensive lineman I’ve seen in 10 years. Most guys would encroach three times AT LEAST there but Bennie, god bless him, was able to do it only twice. Keep up the good work, fellas! Grade: A+

DG: Big fan of Shooter McGavin as the corrupt, grumpy bond court judge. It’s gotta be weird to be typecast as that kind of jerk, though. Like, he’s probably a very nice man, but after years of watching him take joy in needling characters I like, I feel like I might throw a drink in his face if I saw him at a restaurant. I’m normal, btw. Grade: B

ZWR: Has anyone ever won Rookie of the Year, MVP, and been inducted into the Hall of Fame in the same season? If not, get ready for Jordan Hicks to be the first baby! Mychal Kendricks didn’t get hurt, which is good. Grade: A+++++++

Going Hardinger: It was certainly an interesting decision to have 4 very good ILBs on the roster and 0 good offensive guards or line depth or receivers who can catch but that’s why I’m a fan and Chip Kelly is the GM right? Grade: Simba

Doc Pizza: My favorite play of the game was probably the Eagles blitzing in the second half and that little engine that could Jordan Hicks literally running into a wall of 4 or 5 Panthers offensive linemen and allowing Cam to sling it down the field for like a 200 yard gain. Now, I’m sure next time someone will tell Jordan to go around the guys and go after the QB, but it was amazing to see such effort from a rookie like Jordan. Keep grindin’, Jordan! Grade: A+

DG: The thing I like about lawyer shows is that people always have half-empty decanters of scotch in their office. My working theory is that the decanter makes it okay, because if you leave a half-empty bottle of Banker’s Club rum on your desk, people will probably start to worry. Something to consider. Grade: A

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Tater Skins
ZWR: Normally people say “LOLOL that’s why he’s a defensive back and not a wide receiver” when a guy on defense drops an interception; we’re the only team on earth where the inverse is true and the secondary catches more balls than the receivers. Also, I’d like to apologize to Byron Maxwell for calling him an idiot. That was way too personal and impolite. This tackle, though:

Going Hardinger: Malcolm Jenkins is the best safety we’ve had since Brian Dawkins and Byron Maxwell is the worst free agent signing we’ve had since Nn***i Aso****a Grade: WATTBA

Doc Pizza: Know that I’m serious when I say this, but I appreciate Byron Maxwell politely patting them on the back and asking the gentlemen on the Panthers if they will tackle themselves so that he doesn’t have to get physical. In a league where violence is not only recommended but mandatory, to see a guy of Byron’s stature taking to gently trying to get the opposition to the ground without hurting them is a testament to his staunch belief in a two-hand-touch NFL. We’ll get there someday if people like Byron continue to not even try to tackle players at all. Keep it up, Byron! Grade: A+

DG: Still not sure how The Good Wife is gonna handle the presidential election, though. Having Peter challenge Hillary Clinton is kinda weird, because the real and fictional worlds are smashing into each other. Makes the lines all fuzzy. So like Hillary exists in The Good Wife universe, but Michael J. Fox doesn’t, because he’s appeared on the show as a different character. No one cares about this but me. Grade: B+

Special Teams
ZWR: You totally knew they were missing that field goal after the friggin screen pass to Josh Huff on third and nine. You just knew it. Grade: Go screw

Going Hardinger: They existed and nothing bad happened except for a missed field goal that was patently obvious before it happened. Grade: D-

Doc Pizza: Just think it was only a few weeks ago that Caleb Sturgis was missing extra points and all the Eagles fans were razzing him for not being good enough. Well don’t they look silly! Now Caleb is only missing critical field goals and kicking out of bounds on the kickoff, leading to what at the time was a back-breaking touchdown for the Panthers. No more missed extra points, no sir! Love what I’m seeing out of Mr. Sturgis and how dedicated he is to improving himself. Great! Grade: A+

DG: I think Alicia should move to Miami and open up a practice there. Bring Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Robin and maybe Howard the Incompetent Pervert and start all over. Worth a shot. Grade: D

ZWR: Third and nine bubble screen to Josh Huff FOH Grade: F triple minus you’re suspended

Going Hardinger: The screen to Huff on 3rd and 9 right before the missed field goal took at least one year off my life, as did the total disappearance of Ryan Mathews down the stretch. “That’s on me. I have to do a better job of putting my players in a position to succeed.” Grade: D

Doc Pizza: There may not be another coach in the league willing to make absolutely horrific playcalls just for the sake of giving his players the chance to do something special. He cares so much about his players’ ability to showcase their nonexistent talent that he’s willing to throw the ball backwards and into coverage on one of the most important plays in the game just to give Josh Huff the chance to not drop the ball and maybe pickup an impossible-to-get first down. Gotta love the guts on this guy to consistently make the worst calls at the worst times and continue to get praise. Well done, Chipper! Grade: A+

DG: I stopped watching the game at halftime and put on The Good Wife.


  1. SB got sacked by his sleeve. His stupid sleeve! Makes you wonder why he's the only one wearing those doofus-looking loose-sleeved jerseys.

  2. Hey! The Phillies got a new GM! ZOMG! But it isn't Roy Halladay so I guess it bolg worthy.


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