Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Eagles Week Nine Report Card


Just the three old heads this week, sorry for delay but sometimes real life can stink. Let's get to it...

Quarterback
ZWR: Sammy Sleeves looks like a giant doofblock but I have to give him credit on that game-winning pass. He stood in there despite the fact that a giant angry man was about to obliterate him from behind, and threw a perfect pass to the guy who has spent this season dropping perfect passes. That’s a lot of confidence. I’d have pooch punted. Grade: A++++

FIRST NAME SLEEVES, LAST NAME EVER


DG: Sam Bradford did that thing Sam Bradford does where he puts up solid stats that could have been great if not for a couple more drops, and wins the game in overtime, and yet somehow leaves me feeling less confident that I was before the game. I have no idea how he does it. One week he's gonna throw for 450 yards and 6 TDs and I'm still gonna be all “Jesus, Sam. Get it together!” Grade: A-

The Evster: I do not care about this football team. Grade: A+

ZWR: Well that’s rather glib.

Running backs
ZWR: I remain frustrated that they don’t throw the ball to Darren Sproles every play. Like, that dumb route Cole Beasley kept running where he goes to the middle of the field and then just looks at where his stupid defender is positioned and sprints the other way? I’d run that route every play. He and Bradford would go down in the history books as the most prolific tandem ever. That said, the other two guys were okay I guess. Grade: A+++++

DG: Turns out when you make giant holes for your running backs to gallop through, they look pretty good. Probably should have covered this in training camp. Grade: A

The Evster: Our quarterback threw a walk-off touchdown in overtime to beat our arch rivals in the face of their sh*thead owner and I honestly do not care. Grade: A forever

Wait, my name isn't Sleeves Ever. It's Best Sleeves Ever. 

Receivers
ZWR: Jordan Matthews and Zach Ertz made up for the team missing James “Night Games James” Casey and the other guys, well, ummmm … blocked! Grade: A++++

DG: See the frustrating thing about Josh Huff is that he … [drops paragraph] Grade: B+

The Evster: I watched a 30 for 30 last week on the 1980s and 90s Colorado Buffaloes and it was fantastic. Spoiler Alert: After decades of mediocrity, they landed a star quarterback recruit who revitalized the school's football program and impregnated the coach’s daughter. Then, he got cancer and f***ing died. The rest of the team rallied around him, played in his honor, and won the goddamn national championship. It was emotional and heartbreaking and incredible and wonderful. Riley Cooper got a haircut. Grade: A

ZWR: It’s true that 30 for 30 was bonkers. Also bonkers, that coach. Dude is legit insane batpoop crazy.

Offensive Line
ZWR: I was worried with Jason Peters being out hurt. My buddy Frank was amazed by his beard when they showed him on the sideline. My other buddy (Jay) was amazed by his hair. I was amazed by how massive he is. So I’m pretty sure what happened was Jason Peters inspired the offensive line and they went out there and dominated and opened eleventy billion holes and our running backs ran through those holes and Sammy Sleeves had plenty of time to throw for the most part. Grade: A++++++

DG: Someone gave me an apple dumpling this weekend, which was nice, but when I went to heat it up I realized there was no cinnamon goo on the inside. It was just a dang dry apple inside a dumpling. Why would anyone do this? THE GOO IS THE BEST PART. Grade: Goo



ZWR: Sounds like the worst friend ever IMHO TBQH.

The Evster: Can you imagine how boring it must be to play offensive line? Just three hours of bending and pushing and shoving and never getting to touch the ball. No wonder those guys eat so much. Grade: A forever

Defensive Line
ZWR: Our defensive line is great. Love them all. Even those two white guys I always get confused. Grade; A++++

DG: I bet Bennie Logan knows what I'm talking about with that cinnamon goo thing. Grade: B+

The Evster: In the Philadelphia Eagles media guide, they asked Bennie Logan, “If you could play any other sport, what position would you play and for what team?” Bennie’s answer: goaltender for the LA Kings. Grade: lol

Linebackers
ZWR: It’s a shame that future MVP and Hall of Famer Jordan Hicks got hurt, kid is amazing. His pick six turned the game around. The other inside backers were bonkers and Connor Barwin was a banger and Brandon Graham was strip sacking that dork every other play what an impressive performance by the guys in the awful new uniforms that need to be replaced by the classic kelly green. Grade: A+++++

DG: I am not taking the Jordan Hicks injury well. I honestly might cry. We somehow have four great middle linebackers and can't get more than two of them healthy any week. No one talk to me. I need some space. Grade: A

ZWR: That’s true but don’t be too sad at least we’re not putting Nacho Achos or Barry Gardner out there we still have Kiko (I think, unless he got hurt again) and Mufasa and MKendz95 (just made that up). Another bright side: we don’t have Sean Lee. He literally just sprained his eyeball reading that sentence and is out four to six weeks. (Then he just punctured a lung laughing at that joke, and will miss two more weeks,)

The Evster: On Friday morning, Verizon set up a giant inflatable tunnel as you exited the subway in front of City Hall, trying to make you feel as if you were running out onto the field on gameday. The Eagles cheerleaders were there and that Eagles banjo band was there and Seth Joyner and his giant head was there signing autographs. His head really is enormous. Anyway, it could've been amazing if they really went for it, and had like Pam Oliver stop you in the tunnel and be like, “Big day of work today! How did you prepare?” but instead they just had Swoop flapping his fluffy, furry wings. I gave him a lefty backhanded high-five a la Deandre Jordan. That guy is such a ram sergeant. Grade: A forever




Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Onion Rings Party
ZWR: Ed Hochuli can legit eat a human butt. I’m so over this guy and his big dumb face and his stupid arms which aren’t even that impressive anymore in this era of quality growth hormones and luxury fitness centers. He straight up did Byron “Takin’ it to the Maxxxx” Maxwell dirty on that bobo pass interference call. Moving on, I was somewhat distressed that we gave up a twenty yard hail mary and let Cole Beasley score. Ohwellz who cares we won at Dallas. Grade: A++++++

DG: What happened to Eric Rowe? Wasn't he supposed to play five positions and be a dynamic playmaker? Is he hurt? Did I miss his getting hurt? Because, Hicks aside (AND NOW I’M SAD AGAIN), this draft class is starting out like a big old butt falafel. Grade: C

ZWR: I joked that they were going to call a play where Marcus Smith threw a pass to Nelson Agholor then I had to stop and think if either of them even dressed for the game and it made me sad.

The Evster: Where the freak was Mike Perreira after that ridiculous pass interference call on Maxwell? I have never once been interested in anything he had to say until that moment -- and he was nowhere to be found. Thanks, Mike Perreira. Grade: A forever

Special Teams
ZWR: Caleb Sturgis ain’t scared. Grade: A+++++

DG: I think I would have more confidence in Caleb Sturgis if he changed his name to Rolando Nightshade. Grade: B+

The Evster: I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so sad that Sebastian Janikowski never played for the Eagles. Grade: F

Coaching
ZWR: MY MAN CHIP KELLY GOING FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN AND RUNNING TEMPO SO WELL THAT THE DEFENSE HAD TO TAKE A TIME-OUT AND GREG HARDY’S BIG STUPID CRIMINAL WORTHLESS SACK OF CRAP FACE LOOKED LIKE IT WAS ABOUT TO PUKE GIVE IT TO ME THIS IS WHAT WE SIGNED UP FOR LEGGGGO!!! Grade: B+

This guy makes good gifs

DG: Legitimately thought a team of Cowboys operatives might have kidnapped Chip and replaced him with an impostor at the end of the first half, like bad guys do to the one scientist in Naked Gun 2 ½. Only explanation for running out the clock there.

The Evster: Don’t care. Grade: A forevvies

1 comment:

  1. Gawd, I would love to take that stupid college kid's spot on these. My wife even works for a large midwest state school, so I could promise the Evinator some secret snaps and never deliver!

    ReplyDelete

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