Monday, November 16, 2015

Eagles Week Ten Report Card


Danger Guerrero can't join us this week he's at the doctor let's pray he doesn't die.

Quarterback
ZWR: Sammy Sleeves was representing sexiness and inspiring confidence… and then he was dead. You'd pretty much have to play Ironman at quarterback if you wanted someone to survive behind this offensive line. Wait, could Jason Kelce snap it over Ironman’s head? Grade: Dead

ALSO: I think I hate Mark Sanchez’s face he looks like the kind of guy who just walks around talking about his haircut and people are like, “Ummm yeah that’s great but it’s your turn to practice or lift weights now” and he’s like, “Yeah, it’s really fashionable in European soccer and Lena Dunham’s boyfriend has the same cut but my barber is better.”

The Evster: This is Eagles third string quarterback, Thad Lewis.




I have never seen him play football, know literally nothing about him, yet am fully ready to give him complete and total control of this team. Let’s go Thad baby! (Did not expect you to be black.) Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: First off let me start by saying I blame this loss entirely on a guy whose name is Caleb. I put the entirety of the responsibility for a loss in an American football game on a man whose parents decided that Caleb would be a good name for a male person. That being said, Samuel Bradford played pretty well I guess and by the time Sanchez got in I had already eaten an entire loaf of sesame seeded Italian bread and wasn’t really lucid, if you will. Grade: 4/5 Caleb Gold Stars

The Evster: Shameless plug alert: I wrote about people named Caleb back in October (and have literally drank (OMG REDACTED) every day since).

Running Backs
ZWR: DeMarco Murray is the head-shakingest player ever. Bro, we get it, you're disappointed. You know who else is disappointed? Everyone. You know who else is making a bazillion dollars like you? Nobody. Grade: SMDH

The Evster: I have watched a lot of football games in my life (12) and have never seen a quarterback have so much trouble handing the ball off. Marf Sanchez kept bumping into Demarco. How does that happen? Color analyst Rich Gannon (by the way, awesome commentating yesterday, Rich, absolutely awesome) kept saying it had a lot to do with footwork. I'm pretty sure you just give the ball to the guy and then he starts running. Then again, what do I know, I’m just a world famous sports columnist and television personality. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: “Two-yard gain for Murray” is a phrase I’m getting tattooed onto my butt because it’s the one tattoo in the world I could get that will never stop being relevant or accurate. Whenever Murray runs for more than 2 yards, I will simply wake up because I’m clearly dreaming haha just kidding with you. Grade: 2/5 Caleb Participation Trophies

Receivers
ZWR: Miles Austin wasn’t too bad if you take away that drop on third down in Dolphins territory, his not getting the second foot down on what should have been a touchdown, the time he wasn’t looking for a pass on that crucial late drive, and his giving up on the back-breaking interception in the end zone. Riley Cooper continues to impress. Grade: F-

The Evster: It’s time for everybody's favorite weekly segment, “How Much Sh*t Did Riley Cooper Eat?!” Well Verne, this week Riley Coops had zero catches for zero yards, so I'd say that he ate a giant pile of sh*t. Ding ding ding ding ding! Correct! Grade: F

ZWR Note: I'm exrtra proud of this creation

Doc Pizza: If you really want to expect that professional wide receivers in the National Football League (NFL) will have the ability to catch a football – their main responsibility overall, and the reason the history books refer to them as “receivers” – then I just think you’re being a little unfair. Sure they’re going to drop footballs gently placed in their hands and/or be completely unaware that a football is even in the air/exists and forget that it’s their job to catch it – they’re only human! Grade: 1/5 Caleb Cello Lessons

Offensive Line
ZWR: Let’s look for some positives. The offensive linemen are really good at recovering fumbles led to by their complete lack of ability! Grade: F-

The Evster: Another shameless plug alert: A few weeks ago I brought a pizza (and a film crew) down to ESPN’s College Gameday to interview idiots who go to Temple.

The idea was, I was gonna talk to people, and when I was done talking to them, I'd decide whether or not they deserved a slice of pizza. Simple enough, right? Wrong! College Gameday starts at 9am -- and most pizza places don't open til 11. Well, I'll have you know that the pizza place inside SEPTA’s 69th street terminal opens at 6am!!! I KNOW!!! Every day!!! And people eat pizza there, every day, starting at 6am. The place is literally always jammed. Terrible pizza, but amazing business model. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: After the game, Jason Kelce said: “I am a fart smeller. It’s time the whole world knew that my horrific performance today was because I was too busy trying to smell the flatulence of my teammates and my opponents. It is inexcusable, yes, but to get a whiff of a stinker coming through some sweat filled football pants makes my body erupt with a joy few can even imagine. This is who I am now as a player and a son.” Wow, that’s brave. Grade: 0/5 Caleb Car Seats After Age 15

Defensive Line
ZWR: Welp, here’s the thing- you could have the most ridiculous line full of bangers ever and it really won’t matter if your quarterbacks are either dead or look like the bass player from Vampire Weekend (I have no idea what that guy actually looks like but I imagine he has a Brooklyn hipster tight pants haircut). Grade: Bennie Logan wears man pants I hate everyone

The Evster: I literally do not care. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Good. I don’t care to elaborate. Grade: Caleb Sturgis Missed A 30-Yard Field Goal I’m Getting Piss*ed Off Now

Linebackers
ZWR: I am very excited to be entering egg nog season. I friggin LOVE egg nog. The Whole Foods by us gets this stuff from a local creamery and it’s in glass bottles and tastes REDONK. I even bottled some a few months back and it’s just chilling in our basement fridge waiting for the perfect moment. The recipe said it won’t kill me or anything because there’s so much booze in it, but even if it does it’s not all bad because that means I won’t ever have to think about how the Eagles took Marcus Smith in the first round last year. Grade: NOGS

Photo Credit: womenslifestyle.com

The Evster: Last week I met a guy who works for the Eagles and he said that it’s only a matter of time before Mychal Kendricks gets arrested. So we’ve got that goin for us, which is nice. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Oh my god what. Did that guy work for the Eagles when they signed a human being out of prison or decided to keep and then reward a racist? Morals McGee over there observing the crap out of stuff. He can go screw.

Doc Pizza: What an incredible trade by an innovative and intelligent man to deal Shady McCoy – a womanizing freak of an athlete – for a guy named Kiko who makes one tackle per game! You don’t just find coaches this smart walking down the street, you must constantly praise them and dare not say a single thing bad about them because they are a genius for having made a bad team stay bad and not improve at all. Grade: A Grown Man Who Chooses To Have People, While He Could Easily Pick A Nickname, Call Him Caleb

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Target Brand Mini Cheeseburgers
ZWR: Walter “The Thermostat” Thurman (sorry) turned up the heat (oh my god I’m so sorry) and bonked Tannehill on that safety it was insane I don’t know how anyone plays football. If I got hit like that I’d be in bed drinking egg nog for the next two months. Byron Maxwell straight cashing checks can’t even blame him. If someone offered me sixty million dollars to do something I’d take it even if I couldn’t. Grade: Never going to win ever why do I bother?

The Evster: omg I just remembered that play when Jordan Matthews got blasted over the middle and the announcers said, “He just got the wind knocked out of him.” Excited to see the Eagles injury report next week. QUESTIONABLE: Jordan Matthews (literally coughing up blood out of his asshole); Marf Sanchez (haircut appointment). Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Here’s what I would say to Byron Maxwell if I were to run into him on the street AND if Jason Peters was my big brother: Look at youself you rich ass mamaluke flailing arms little wimp probably couldn’t even cover a pot of salted boiling water with the pot’s corresponding lid why don’t you take your bitchass back to seattle and sip some burnt coffee in a boring little cafĂ© while a dumb tall hipster licks your armpits while scratching his lice-filled beard. Grade: B+

Special Teams
ZWR: At least our guys didn’t do this:




Grade: At least our returner didn’t take a kickoff to the nards and fall on his butt at the one.

The Evster: I have that guy Greg Zeurlein (aka Legatron) on my fantasy team. Last week he kicked a 61-yarder. I love him. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: All things considered, this was a pretty good game for a high school team’s special teams unit playing against a professional football team. Is there really not a single person in the world who could kick a football 30 yards for god’s sake I mean like 30 of them graduate college every single year and would probably take a job with the Eagles instead of working for Enterprise Rent-A-Car in their executive leadership training program making $22,000 a year. Grade: I want to shove a dog turd in Caleb’s nose and mouth

Coaching
ZWR: I can’t even. Goodbye.

The Evster: Do. Not. Care.

Doc Pizza: Chip Kelly is a football genius who loses to the Miami Dolphins. Grade: Bill O’Brien for Eagles HC

3 comments:

  1. How can a guy spend the entire post talking about how a man has a stupid name "Caleb" and not talk about his other stupid name "Sturgis"? At least The Sturg hits half his field goals, his parents went oh-fer on naming (unless he has a brother named something awesome, like Duce or Tre or Broderick). I bet his middle name is Grumblestiltskin or Skyler or something dumb like that.

    Speaking of names, can we work on more mentions of Fletcher Cox's nickname: Man Dog?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. His brother's name is Glorf.

      Delete
    2. Better than Caleb, shouda named him NextDawkins tho.

      Delete

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