ZWR: Mimosas are amazing. We had some before the game, and they made the morning so much more fun. We’ve been to a few all-inclusive jawns in the Caribbean and getting drunk at breakfast while nomming eggs bennie before snorkeling rules. Maybe one day we’ll have a star quarterback. Until then, mimosas. Sammy Sleeves played well. Grade: A
|WOOOOO BIG WIN BOYS LET'S HIT THE SHOWERS|
The Evster: I watched the game with my parents and my mom did not stop talking the entire time. Apparently Judy's granddaughter's bat mitzvah was this past Saturday and Marion and Dick weren’t invited and well, you can understand why, and oh by the way did I tell you that Carol’s daughter’s boyfriend who I met once is now going to law school and my mom bumped into Debbie Seltzer’s mom at the supermarket -- she’s dying. Sam Bradford was mediocre, because Sam Bradford is mediocre. Grade: F forever
DG: This week I skipped watching all NFL pregame shows and instead watched Wreck-It Ralph with my friend’s five-year-old. I can't recommend this enough. His analysis of Good Guys vs. Bad Guys was more logical and reasoned than anything any of those chucklebutts have ever said. Grade: C
ZWR: Dude I'm telling you Sproles is the absolute best. Grade: A++++++ forever
The Evster: How ‘bout Charlie Barner lowering dem pads! Love the way that guy runs! Also my little chicken man doin little chicken man type things. What if we go to the Super Bowl?!!?!! It could happs! Grade: A forever!
ZWR: KenJawn is great and all but maybe chillax with the whole idea of using him to ice the game just saying.
DG: God bless Chip Kelly. He finally started using other running backs instead of Demarco Murray and then got so carried away with it that he gave the potential game-clinching carry to a player that hasn't suited up for like 70% of the games. The man refuses to take half-measures. I love him for it and always will even if it drags us both to the bottom of the ocean. Grade: B
ZWR: Well, I mean, we have receivers. This week there was a little guy out there wearing number 10 and I have absolutely no idea who he was but he seems a billionty times better than Miles Austin. Zach Ertz had one of those glorious diving touchdowns you always try to do when you play catch on the beach, and Jordan Matthews seemed to have planned out a very nice dance. Plus, we’ve found an area of specialization for Riley Cooper: not even attempting to catch onsides kicks and just Mutomboing them out of bounds! Grade: A++++++++++++
The Evster: To be honest, between my mom’s incessant babbling and my father laughing out loud at Papa John’s commercials (the one where JJ Watt struggles to lift the meat lover’s slice), I had a hard time paying attention to absolutely everything. I can't imagine that matters when it comes to these report cards, but I just figured I’d share. Grade: F
DG: I choose to believe that Papa John forces all of his employees, and even members of the board, to address him as “Papa.”
ZWR: Your name is Danger Guerrero.
ZWR: Looked like they were all blocking to me! Grade: A+++++++++++++++
The Evster: I mean, at some point we’re going to have to talk about my Kobe vid, right?
ZWR: Have you stopped talking about it yet? I know what you’re going through, Evster- after I went to the zoo with Roy Halladay I was kind of like, “Welp, not gonna top that why even bother?”
The Evster: While most people on the internet have said very nice things, my closest friends in real life simply sent me like one or two group texts that said, “Not bad, but a bit #too #long.”
ZWR: Wait, they texted hash tags?
The Evster: Yes.
DG: I’ve mentioned this before, but my favorite part of Evan becoming a local superstar is gonna be the media firestorm after @treblaw and Philly Twitter dig through the ol’ Twitter archive and RT dozens of old TVMWW tweets about bodily fluids. Love you, buddy.
The Evster: Ugh.
ZWR: You mean #Ugh
ZWR: I’m not gonna lie, we have the banginest defensive line. Cox/Cedz/Loges stop everything (last two games excluded they don’t count that was an anomaly) and then Vinny Curry is hanging from the quarterback’s neck or kneecaps every time he comes in to rush the passer. Wait, is he a linebacker? I honestly don’t know how that works. Grade: A++++++++++++ Banginest
The Evster: Yo, full-throttle full-frontal full-moon disclosure: the Eagles D-line is RAW. Great job, fellas! So proud of you! Grade: C+ (need at least one broken spleen to get a B in my book)
DG: No joke this game took at least six years off my life. Grade: A
ZWR: Can we talk about Kiko Alonso’s jersey? I realize he’s probably some hipster long hair cool guy from the west coast or whatever but dude is wearing a size child’s medium extra slim. He looks ridiculous. Between him and Bradford’s sleeves we may need to re-evaluate our offseason acquisitions.
The Evster: I’m gonna say it: I like Sam Bradford’s sleeves. They look so loose! You don’t want some tight Matt Dillon Outsiders cigarettes rolled up on your v-neck’s sleeves when you’re playing football. You want loosies! I support you, Sam. It’s too bad you’re mediocre at football. Grade: Is that it for talking about my Kobe vid?
ZWR: You think if the Outsiders had cell phones they’d text each other hash tags? OMG I just googled a pic of you and Kobe and this came up from ballislife.com
DG: Dawning on me now that between ZWR meeting Roy and Evster doing his Kobe thing, I really need to step up my game when it comes to creating content with current or former local sports celebrities. I'm leaning toward camping out on Shane Victorino’s lawn until he agrees to see the dumb Point a Break remake with me.
ZWR: I’d subscribe.
Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Meatballs
ZWR: Oh man, we had a pick from Byron “Takin’ it to the Max” Maxwell and a huge play by Walter “The Thermostat” Thurmond to set up Malcolm Jenkins interception and consistent coverage from Eric “The Warm Blanket” Rowe and Ed “The Human Sled” Nelson sure was out there! Grade: I make the best nicknames someone should hire me as a nickname consultant.
The Evster: Playing cornerback looks so difficult! Grade: A
DG: Everyone looked competent! Grade: B+
ZWR: OMG Belichick cute kickoff let’s have the kicker lateral it to another donkey and he’ll dropkick it seventeen yards GO SCREW YOU JUST WOKE THE BEAST. Grade: Don’t wake the beast.
The Evster: Just once I would like to see a guy punt the ball with both feet. Like a dolphin. Feel like it could generate some serious power. Grade: A
DG: I don't think I'll ever stop laughing about the Eagles beating the Patriots thanks mostly to a blocked punt touchdown with 10 seconds left in the first half. Imagine Bill Belichick’s face when he rolls out of bed and remembers that happened. I wish I had an oil painting of that moment above my fireplace.
ZWR: Oh crap I have to root for the Cowboys tonight? Grade: Sad
The Evster: At one point during the game Bill Belichick was thinking about calling a timeout and the announcers were saying that he was thinking about calling a timeout and then he called a timeout while the TV cameras showed him calling a timeout and Tony Siragusa said, “Bill Belichick called a timeout.” Thanks, Goose. Grade: A forever
Just like I've always said, Chip Kelly's inventive defensive and special teams game planning will revolutionize the NFL.— Danger Guerrero (@DangerGuerrero) December 6, 2015