Monday, December 7, 2015

Eagles Week 13 Report Card (with @Evsterrr and @DangerGuerrero)

ZWR: Mimosas are amazing. We had some before the game, and they made the morning so much more fun. We’ve been to a few all-inclusive jawns in the Caribbean and getting drunk at breakfast while nomming eggs bennie before snorkeling rules. Maybe one day we’ll have a star quarterback. Until then, mimosas. Sammy Sleeves played well. Grade: A


The Evster: I watched the game with my parents and my mom did not stop talking the entire time. Apparently Judy's granddaughter's bat mitzvah was this past Saturday and Marion and Dick weren’t invited and well, you can understand why, and oh by the way did I tell you that Carol’s daughter’s boyfriend who I met once is now going to law school and my mom bumped into Debbie Seltzer’s mom at the supermarket -- she’s dying. Sam Bradford was mediocre, because Sam Bradford is mediocre. Grade: F forever

DG: This week I skipped watching all NFL pregame shows and instead watched Wreck-It Ralph with my friend’s five-year-old. I can't recommend this enough. His analysis of Good Guys vs. Bad Guys was more logical and reasoned than anything any of those chucklebutts have ever said. Grade: C

Running Backs
ZWR: Dude I'm telling you Sproles is the absolute best. Grade: A++++++ forever

The Evster: How ‘bout Charlie Barner lowering dem pads! Love the way that guy runs! Also my little chicken man doin little chicken man type things. What if we go to the Super Bowl?!!?!! It could happs! Grade: A forever!

ZWR: KenJawn is great and all but maybe chillax with the whole idea of using him to ice the game just saying.

DG: God bless Chip Kelly. He finally started using other running backs instead of Demarco Murray and then got so carried away with it that he gave the potential game-clinching carry to a player that hasn't suited up for like 70% of the games. The man refuses to take half-measures. I love him for it and always will even if it drags us both to the bottom of the ocean. Grade: B

ZWR: Well, I mean, we have receivers. This week there was a little guy out there wearing number 10 and I have absolutely no idea who he was but he seems a billionty times better than Miles Austin. Zach Ertz had one of those glorious diving touchdowns you always try to do when you play catch on the beach, and Jordan Matthews seemed to have planned out a very nice dance. Plus, we’ve found an area of specialization for Riley Cooper: not even attempting to catch onsides kicks and just Mutomboing them out of bounds! Grade: A++++++++++++

The Evster: To be honest, between my mom’s incessant babbling and my father laughing out loud at Papa John’s commercials (the one where JJ Watt struggles to lift the meat lover’s slice), I had a hard time paying attention to absolutely everything. I can't imagine that matters when it comes to these report cards, but I just figured I’d share. Grade: F

DG: I choose to believe that Papa John forces all of his employees, and even members of the board, to address him as “Papa.”

ZWR: Your name is Danger Guerrero.

Offensive Line
ZWR: Looked like they were all blocking to me! Grade: A+++++++++++++++

The Evster: I mean, at some point we’re going to have to talk about my Kobe vid, right?

ZWR: Have you stopped talking about it yet? I know what you’re going through, Evster- after I went to the zoo with Roy Halladay I was kind of like, “Welp, not gonna top that why even bother?”

The Evster: While most people on the internet have said very nice things, my closest friends in real life simply sent me like one or two group texts that said, “Not bad, but a bit #too #long.”

ZWR: Wait, they texted hash tags?

The Evster: Yes.

ZWR: Huh.

DG: I’ve mentioned this before, but my favorite part of Evan becoming a local superstar is gonna be the media firestorm after @treblaw and Philly Twitter dig through the ol’ Twitter archive and RT dozens of old TVMWW tweets about bodily fluids. Love you, buddy.

The Evster: Ugh.

ZWR: You mean #Ugh

Defensive Line
ZWR: I’m not gonna lie, we have the banginest defensive line. Cox/Cedz/Loges stop everything (last two games excluded they don’t count that was an anomaly) and then Vinny Curry is hanging from the quarterback’s neck or kneecaps every time he comes in to rush the passer. Wait, is he a linebacker? I honestly don’t know how that works. Grade: A++++++++++++ Banginest

The Evster: Yo, full-throttle full-frontal full-moon disclosure: the Eagles D-line is RAW. Great job, fellas! So proud of you! Grade: C+ (need at least one broken spleen to get a B in my book)

DG: No joke this game took at least six years off my life. Grade: A

ZWR: Can we talk about Kiko Alonso’s jersey? I realize he’s probably some hipster long hair cool guy from the west coast or whatever but dude is wearing a size child’s medium extra slim. He looks ridiculous. Between him and Bradford’s sleeves we may need to re-evaluate our offseason acquisitions.

The Evster: I’m gonna say it: I like Sam Bradford’s sleeves. They look so loose! You don’t want some tight Matt Dillon Outsiders cigarettes rolled up on your v-neck’s sleeves when you’re playing football. You want loosies! I support you, Sam. It’s too bad you’re mediocre at football. Grade: Is that it for talking about my Kobe vid?

ZWR: You think if the Outsiders had cell phones they’d text each other hash tags? OMG I just googled a pic of you and Kobe and this came up from

DG: Dawning on me now that between ZWR meeting Roy and Evster doing his Kobe thing, I really need to step up my game when it comes to creating content with current or former local sports celebrities. I'm leaning toward camping out on Shane Victorino’s lawn until he agrees to see the dumb Point a Break remake with me.

ZWR: I’d subscribe.

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Meatballs
ZWR: Oh man, we had a pick from Byron “Takin’ it to the Max” Maxwell and a huge play by Walter “The Thermostat” Thurmond to set up Malcolm Jenkins interception and consistent coverage from Eric “The Warm Blanket” Rowe and Ed “The Human Sled” Nelson sure was out there! Grade: I make the best nicknames someone should hire me as a nickname consultant.

The Evster: Playing cornerback looks so difficult! Grade: A

DG: Everyone looked competent! Grade: B+

Special Teams
ZWR: OMG Belichick cute kickoff let’s have the kicker lateral it to another donkey and he’ll dropkick it seventeen yards GO SCREW YOU JUST WOKE THE BEAST. Grade: Don’t wake the beast.

The Evster: Just once I would like to see a guy punt the ball with both feet. Like a dolphin. Feel like it could generate some serious power. Grade: A

DG: I don't think I'll ever stop laughing about the Eagles beating the Patriots thanks mostly to a blocked punt touchdown with 10 seconds left in the first half. Imagine Bill Belichick’s face when he rolls out of bed and remembers that happened. I wish I had an oil painting of that moment above my fireplace.

ZWR: Oh crap I have to root for the Cowboys tonight? Grade: Sad

The Evster: At one point during the game Bill Belichick was thinking about calling a timeout and the announcers were saying that he was thinking about calling a timeout and then he called a timeout while the TV cameras showed him calling a timeout and Tony Siragusa said, “Bill Belichick called a timeout.” Thanks, Goose. Grade: A forever



  1. I'm glad you finally fired Penn State kid, but if Everlast isn't watching the games, you gotta hire someone (me, the only dude who comments on these) to at least coach him up about what happened. I'd be all like "Nacho Goode got that punt block TD, you can probably make a pun outta that" and "Get some quick points for calling out ZWR for thinking Ed Reynolds was named Nelson!" and "Lower Merion stole all the good teachers from my high school by paying a living wage/not having any gang violence, Kobe can go spit."

    I'd also like some analysis of if Jason Peters was thinking of Jimmy StickFigures Kempski's report that he was gonna get fired, and that was why he false started so many times the scab pig refs got tired of calling him for it. Because he seems like maybe he invested in that Freddie Mitchell scam and needs to keep playing for the money.

    1. I watched the game I watched the game omg I watched the game. Yes, punt block, great. Yes, chicken man, great. Yes, football meatballs, great. Omg please shut up for once in your life Johnny Manziel has been named the Browns starter for the rest of the seez do you realize how amazing that is?!?!?!?

    2. I trust you when you said you watched it, but now that your Brand is blowing up, I gotta hold you to a higher standard of journalistic integrity. You're basically Les Bowen now.

      I bet Johnny is having some shots to celebrate.

  2. The game is really wonderful. Sammy is a great player. Thanks for sharing a great news.

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