Monday, December 14, 2015

Eagles Week 14 Report Card

Yesplz we won in Shady's return. Normal cast of characters here- Evster, Danger, Dr. Pizza LEGGO!

ZWR: Yo Sammy Sleeves had things under control, only his receivers never catch footballs and his offensive line isn’t always good. That’s not to say the sleevemeister would have had eleventy billion yards passing or anything yesterday, but my man was dealing and the numbers should have been better. Grade: A-


The Evster: Our quarterback made one nice pass. Grade: F forever

ZWR: FU you stink he gets an A-

Doc Pizza: I’m concerned about how much people make fun of Sammy B’s hideous sleeves. Granted, they are an abomination to the entire sport of football and women everywhere likely think less of men in general as a result of them, but I want to make sure Sammy Boy doesn’t have them for a reason. Like, maybe he’s hiding a scar on his upper arm that he’s really self-conscious about? Or he’s got a Pluto tattoo that he’s really embarrassed about and if defenders see it he’s afraid they’ll pummel him into the ground because of its faded, outdated look? I’m just saying let’s try to find out, if we can, why Sam is making a mockery of our city and this great sport with those 12-foot sleeves. Grade: A-

DG: I know hindsight is 20/20 and so on, but it’s a little frustrating to know that we probably could have gotten Tyrod Taylor for about $80 and a firm handshake last offseason. He woulda been fun in this offense. But if we’re playing that game, then we might as well un-sign DeMarco Murray and Byron Maxwell and throw a $100 million pizza party where we turn the entire Linc into a bouncey house. Then, after those things, and maybe a nap, we kill Hitler. Grade: B

Running Backs
ZWR: I’m gonna be honest, I can’t not like Shady. I want to dislike him, and I really tried this week, but the more he acts like a butt the more I think he’s hilarious. Regardless of how much we love sports, and the legitimate personal connections we attach to sports and the teams we root for, they are pretty silly and he’s exorbitantly silly and so you know it’s coming here it is A++++++++++++++++ FOREVER.

The Evster: I don't think a Philly athlete has ever gone from beloved superstar to doctor dickpants quite like Shady. Remember that Detroit game in the snow? (I think it was Detroit. I honestly can't remember. I can't even remember last week.) He was a GAWD. But now (or always, and we were just too blinded by his juke moves to realize), he has proved to be one of the biggest scumbags on the planet (current worldwide scumbag rankings: 1) Chris Brown, 2) Greg Hardy, 3) Marco Rubio). Even his touchdown cebrashe where he pretends to break into a safe and splash money in the air is douchey. I wanted to see his legs get broke yesterday. (I was also one of the people who cheered Michael Irvin’s temporary paralysis back in the day (and stand by that)). It didn’t matter if the Eagles won yesterday (by the way, I'm typing this on my phone and autocorrect just changed Eagles to “Rafles” lol), I just wanted to see Shady die. Then I saw a clip before the game of him meeting with a little girl in a wheelchair for the Make a Wish foundashe and now I don't know what to think. The main takeaway from this paragraph is that I don't know how to craft an argument. Darren Sproles sure does run like a little chicken though. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Now that you mention it, Evan:

Doc Pizza: I don’t really have anything to say about this group of individuals. DeMarco is the football equivalent of an earwax-covered used Q-tip, and Mathews and Sproleseses are really good players and human beings who I would enjoy sipping on a Cosmo with. They played well as a group and Chip spread the ball out well I really have nothing to say here pretty good day overall I guess. Grade: B+

DG: I have, in my entire life, been more confused than I was when I saw Murray on the field on that last 3rd down where a first down would have basically iced the game. First down? Fine. Second down? Okay. But 3rd down is Sproles’ time. For the love of God, Chip.Grade: B

ZWR: They all stink nobody can catch keep Ertz and Matthews I guess but they’re getting on my nerves too. Grade: D for “Drop every pass srsly”

The Evster: One nice catch. Grade: F forever

Doc Pizza: Catching a football – while also being paid tens of millions of dollars to only catch footballs – is a lot tougher than you think let’s all take it easy on high-school level athlete Riley Coop and 60-year-old Brent Celeok. They are trying their best, please be reasonable. Grade: C-

DG: Josh Huff committed a blatant pick penalty and got himself knocked unconscious in the process. I honestly believe the ref choose not to flag him out of pity. No other explanation. Grade: C

Offensive Line
ZWR: So I’m going to see Star Wars on Saturday night with my neighbors and I have to study this week because I legit haven’t seen a Star Wars movie since I was like ten. I remember I had a cool R2D2 toy that my mom-mom let me bring to dinner at a Chinese restaurant but other than that I got nothing. I’m still excited, though, because movie theaters are BONKERS nowadays (went wit the Nag to see Hunger Games 4 and it was like “OMG!!!!”) and the jawn we’re going to serves food and booze and has reclining seats I’m probably going to fall asleep five minutes in. Grade: A

The Evster: I was in France when Star Wars tix went on sale (ooh la la) so I totally missed an opportunity to buy them. I'm really, really sad about this. Like, so sad. I love the bonkersness of opening weekend, so if there are any of you common folk out there reading this who have an extra ticket this weekend, holla at ya boi (@evsterrr). I promise not to be this annoying in person. Grade: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Doc Pizza: I haven’t seen any of the Star Wars films. Not sayin this to be a contrarian or like some sort of scum bucket who thinks he’s better than everyone else (I am but for other reasons), but they’re like hardly on TV and not on Netflix or Amazon and am I just gonna drop $60 on some blue rays for movies that are probably good but who knows if they’re gonna live up to all the hype ya know? Grade: A

The Evster: What kind of life are you living?

DG: Still laughing about this:

Defensive Line
ZWR: Fletcher Cox is the best player in the NFL. Grade: MVP USA

The Evster: I fell asleep during the third quarter. Grade: B-

Doc Pizza: My dad was BLOWN AWAY that a person’s last name was Incognito. He understands that Cox is an unfortunate, yet more common, name but was stunned at the name Incognito. I chose not to discuss bullying with him because he likely would’ve given Richie two thumbs way up for giving another player an atomic wedgie or whatever he did. Grade: A

DG: Went to a Christmas party on Saturday. Stayed stationed by the food, because I’m smart. There was this spicy mustard dip for the pretzels. Swear to God, I overheard HOURS of conversation about how spicy it was. Couple of “hoo boys,” a handful of “Be careful with that” warnings from people who had tried it. One lady said it burned off her nose hairs, which was some sorta visual. The lesson here is that adults are the most boring people in the world. (NOTE: I participated in probably 60% of these conversations.) Grade: A

ZWR: I know I haven’t shut up about this in a good week or so, but oh my god somebody needs to grab Kiko Alonso by the face and insist that he wears an adequately sized jersey. He looks like a fool out there in his painted on belly shirt. He also looks like a fool when he misses eighty five tackles a game but that’s another matter altogether. Grade: C

The Evster: If an NFL linebacker ran after me and tried to tackle me I would scream. Grade: B-

Doc Pizza: Did they even play? Like honestly, did a single linebacker make a tackle yesterday? Kiko Alonzo may be worthless but at least he’s not crying about wanting to go back to Living Hell Buffalo New York. Grade: No Clue

DG: Still not over our brief ride on the Jordan Hicks roller coaster. He went from a special teams reserve to our best player to out of the year in what now seems like three days. Like a shooting star, burning fast and bright and then exploding over the sky in Russia. Or something. Grade: C

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Egg Rolls
ZWR: Byron “Takin’ it to the Max” Maxwell and “Higher” Ed Reynolds had an auspicious start getting dusted by Sammy Watkins, but that stuff happens. They rebounded well and Reynolds sealed the game with a legit banger pick. That Rowe guy is solid and Walter “The Thermostat” Thurmond kept his receivers cold all day (omg I’m so amazing sorry I’m not single, the ladies). Grade: B

The Evster: That Maxwell guy sucks [Editor’s note: MOST REDACTED EVER]. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: If you want to see a person have a heart attack in real life for fun or actually just kill a person, tell any man you know over the age of 50 that Byron Maxwell maxes $63 million it works every time. Grade: B+

DG: I like that we pulled a rookie off the bench after sitting him for three full weeks and he immediately became a better corner than our high-priced free agent acquisition. Just another delightful twist. Grade: B

Special Teams
ZWR: Donnie Jones was bonking the living bonk out of the football yesterday like he took foot steroids. Sturgis, too. It was awesome. Remember when we had that fat pig Australian guy that was supposed to be the coolest thing ever but actually stunk? YUCK. And I’m not exaggerating, nothing in life makes me happier than watching little Sprolesy return a punt. Best. Grade: A+++++++ FIRST PLACE

The Evster: Did you guys see that UFC fight this weekend? Not the one where the guy knocked the other guy out with one punch (which was incredible), but the one before that where the guy got his face blasted in and the referee just kept letting him get his face blasted in? I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Picture a guy, laying on the ground, while another guy repeatedly bashed his face in. Then picture the guy who was doing the bashing continually bashing and bashing and bashing while blood shot out of the other guy’s brain. That’s what happened. It was horrible but sort of amazing. Grade: F forever but also sort of a B+

Doc Pizza: Caleb Sturgis may be better than David Akers honest to goodness he is THAT good. Also if a big muscle man is sprinting at me at 1,000 MPH trying to rip my head directly off of my body I am going to call a fair catch 10 times out of 10 but I am really glad that Buffalo guy didn’t and we were able to throw a tuddy on like 2nd and 60. Grade: A

DG: Punters must get so pissed that their kicks get measured from the line of scrimmage but field goals get the extra seven yards to the line of scrimmage PLUS the ten yards of the end zone added to theirs.

ZWR: We wonned so I guess an A? Grade: A

The Evster: A friend of mine just showed up at work with an inflatable llama.

Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: The entire sideline after Edward Reynolds made that pick at the end of the game is the most you will ever see a group of coaches look like my living room during an Eagles game. Only it looks like that after a false start play in the 1st quarter just as much as it does a game winning INT. Chip didn’t piss me off which is good. Grade: A

DG: Yay? Grade: B


  1. Can we talk about Evan's work having a full size DeSean Jackson cutout in there? Is that thing a fathead? Is it for comedic effect, or does Llama Dude not know DeSean got cut two years ago?

    My mom visited over Thanksgiving and brought me a signed framed Freddie Mitchell football card, because "your brother doesn't think it is worth shipping this stuff to Seattle." I told her he might also not want it because FredEx is in jail and wasn't even that good, despite our comparison at the time being James "SquareHead" Thrash and Todd "127 lbs soaking wet" Pinkston. She was like "but you want it, right?" and of course I did. She also gave me his long sleeve Eagles T that Freddie signed (he apparently was at a mall signing stuff for $5 when my bro's high-school girlfriend walked by), but you can't really read it so if anyone asks I'll tell them it was signed by Reggie Brown.

    I'm glad ZWR didn't watch the post game, because Kiko took his shirt right off maybe 15 seconds after the game ended and was just walking around the tunnel topless.

    1. That's actually my DeSean Jaccz lifesize poster. I love him and everything about him and miss him so much. My office is currently moving to a new space so we (the employees) had to pack up all of our stuff for the move and that was the only thing I packed. I can't imagine anyone could possibly find this bit of information interesting.

      Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks for commenting. You're a credit to your race.

    2. He will be 100% forgiven if it turns out he's a Chipper sleeper-cell in D.C., which can't be entirely ruled out at this point.

      And I can't believe you played the race card.


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