Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Eagles Week 15 Report Card



Quarterback
ZWR: Okay so here’s the deal: we need to stay positive. This season has been a giant piece of disappointing crap but we somehow still control (seems the wrong word, but whatevs) our own destiny. Of the quarterbacks left out there fighting for their playoff lives with a chance to execute a final two game surge that will get his team in none have sleeves as outrageously large and obnoxious as Sam Bradford. I believe. No, I be-sleeve. Grade (for rest of way): we got this. Grade (for last night): C-

The Evster: Stop it. This team is garbage. This quarterback is garbage. This unseasonably warm weather is garbage. And even if the Eagles DO win their next two games (which they won't) they'll still be a giant pile of meatless garbage. They're not explosive, they're not fun to watch, they’re not worth putting the effort in to make this last bullet point interesting. In case you couldn’t tell, I have NOT had my breakfast yet this morning. Grade: Captain Crankypants!




Doc Pizza: Sammy Slelevies is playing his best football of the year please do not tell me otherwise. I am on vacation this week so won’t be spending exorbitant amounts of time on this report card thank you for your patience. Grade: B+

DG: I like that he's growing a beard. There's no reason for him to do that, really. He's not even trimming it, despite working in a field that requires him to be on television multiple times per week. He just wanted to grow an awful, patchy beard, so he did it. As a fellow patchy beard grower, I respect this decision a great deal. I work from home and I still don't have the resolve to let it get as far as he has. I hope he grows it all off-season and starts braiding his goatee like a Dothraki warrior. Grade: B

Running Backs
ZWR: After the failed fourth down everyone was all “omg shut up DeMarco wouldn’t have gotten it either”, and they’re right. That said, the point is that you kind of never should pay running backs stupid second contract money because they’re fungible (don’t know what that word means but I think it’s right) and it all really depends on your offensive line and passing game’s legitimacy. Frankly, though, none of this is even a discussion if you just throw the ball to Darren Sproles every play as I’ve been advocating all season long. OMG that reminded me I’m going to see my friend Frank over Christmas I can’t wait! Grade: Really trying to stay positive I swear.

The Evster: Hey DeMarco, I got an idea: How ‘bout you put your goddamn helmet on when you’re standing on the sidelines and at least PRETEND like you give a shit about anything other than your big, milky butt! If you’re so upset about not getting enough carries, DO SOMETHIN ABOUT IT. Block somebody! Punch a guy! Literally chew another man’s ear off! I think Chip should put DeMarco on special teams. Seriously. You want snaps? Block a kick. Rupture a guy’s spleen on a kickoff return. Drop a pooch punt inside the twenty twin twin. Earn that ten milly you BUM. I'd honestly be fine if they cut his ass right now. Also, we just moved office spaces at work and my desk is now right out in the open and literally everyone at my job can see what I'm doing all day every day and I’m not happy about it! Not happy about it one bit! Grade: A forever


Doc Pizza: Demarco Murray, while still better than noted scumbag Philly copper Detective Joseph Murray, shouldn’t be allowed to wear a helmet even if he ever sees the field again in his NFL career. I just had some scrambled eggies with sausage, toast and a cinnamon bun and coffee made for me and I didn’t even need to put down this stupid computer to write this garbage report card. Grade: F

DG: I turned this game off after the Ryan Matthews fumble and started watching some really bad spy movie on Netflix starring Richard Gere and Topher Grace. Basically every character was a Russian double agent. They did two or three flashback scenes where they went back to 1988 and made no attempt to age anyone down at all besides darkening their hair. And Richard Gere killed like 20 people with his watch. Richard Gere! I'm sorry, but that's just not fungible. (I also have no idea what that word means.) Grade: D

Receivers
ZWR: JMatt with a stellar effort! Ertz with a TD! Yup, those are our receivers. Grade: B

The Evster: Jordan Matthews’ dance-a-thon in the end zone when we were down 40 was downright embarrassing. How, I say, HOW, can he have so little social awareness? It’s like, when I get off the subway in the morning and the doors open and there’s some lady standing there trying to get on the train before I get off and it’s like, “MOVE OVER, MOMMA CITA. GOTTA GET OFF BEFORE YOU CAN GET ON.” My new move is to just stand there, tilting my head slightly to the side like a big dumb dog, and just stare people down until they move. One of these days I’m gonna get either spit on or shanked. Either one would be more enjoyable than watching this garbage ass trash football team. Grade: F (forever!)

Doc Pizza: We drafted a wide receiver in the first round of the draft this year if you can even remember that I can’t. I think we’re watching the entirety of the Star Wars franchise this afternoon because I haven’t seen a single second of episodes 4-6 in my entire life. Grade: F


DG: I think maybe I would like Josh Huff more if he wore a blackout visor? I don't see how it could hurt. Grade: D

Offensive Line
ZWR: I have done nothing but eat since Thanksgiving. I have been making Christmas cookies for the last week, whipped up some thumbprints yesterday. Snowballs are still my favorite. In addition to homemade cookies I absolutely love the Tastykake bucket of sugar cookies and the chocolate star cookies you’ll find in Philadelphia area corner stores. BRB getting a cookie… and our offensive line stinks. Grade: D

The Evster: We have gotten to the point in this world where when you order food for pick-up the person taking your order does not even come close to paying attention or caring about what you asked for. I am not a complicated orderer, and rarely ask for any substitutions or anything, but sometimes when I order sweet peppers on a Tuna Diablo from Primo’s I actually want sweet peppers on said Tuna Diablo. I would also appreciate the person who takes my money to also tell me how much my sandwich costs. Doesn't seem like too much to ask. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Jason Peters is bad now if you want to know how I’m feeling about the eagles football team and life in general. OK so when I said I’m on “vacation” I want to remind you all that I’m in Pittsburgh, which isn’t really considered a vacation but more of a gray, grease-covered place I go that’s 300 miles away from my office. Grade: D+


DG: I really don't think people are talking enough about the fact that Ross from Friends is playing Kim Kardashian’s father in a new miniseries about the OJ Simpson trial. Like, that should be the topic of 40-50% of all conversations taking place right. Grade: D

Defensive Line
ZWR: Oh crap last week we also made egg nog French Toast. Couldn’t think of anything for dinner but had a new loaf of bread so I just used egg nog instead of milk in the batter it was a straight holiday banger give it a try. I love Christmas no way this team is getting me down.

The Evster: If I were a defensive lineman and I had to record one of those intro things for Sunday Night Football I would absolutely 100% say that I went to LSU (even if I did not go to LSU, which I didn't). Grade: D

Doc Pizza: The only way to stop Fletcher Cox is to hold his big, muscle body on every single play, which is what the Cardinal’s did. I mean Pittsburgh is fine enough. That’s the best compliment you could ever give this city and in fact I think it may be the town’s slogan…”Pittsburgh: It’s fine enough.” The bread here is worse than anything you could ever imagine. Grade: C-

DG: I'm at the point now where I'm genuinely looking forward to the Phillies season despite the fact that they lost 99 games last year and don't start playing for over four more months. Sports are fun. Grade: C+


Linebackers
ZWR: I don’t want to pile on because I’m pretty sure everyone already hates him but Kiko Alonso looks like he actively tries to avoid tackling people? That’s kind of surprising because he wears a belly shirt and people in belly shirts are normally down to tackle. Man we miss Jordan Hicks that makes me sad I better eat another cookie. Grade: D

The Evster: I have never tackled a man, but if I ever tried to I would probably die. Grade: Incomplete

Doc Pizza: We traded a crybaby for someone who plays football like he is an actual baby so I think we got the worse end of that deal quite frankly. The best store in this town is Kohl’s. Grade: F

DG: I just read an article about a Comcast executive selling his house to a grocery store tycoon for almost $5 million. I have no idea why I read it. I don't even remember their names. I just saw the headline on Twitter and was like “This is something I should know more about.” And now I do. The Comcast guy moved to Manhattan. There, now you know that, too. Grade: D

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Chips & Salsa
ZWR: Nope not even going to try Grade: F-

The Evster: The only good thing about being a Jewish person is that we don't have to stand in long lines to buy presents for God’s birthday. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: What an incredible offseason Chip, the GM, had! Byron Maxwell – the worst cornerback in the NFL per dollar earned who attempts only after giving up a 10th straight 30-yard reception to punch the ball from the receiver when he’s out of bounds – is practically a god compared to Demarco Murray. Wow! Boy the first 20 minutes of the first Star Wars is cheesy af. Grade: F

DG: I talk about Brian Dawkins the way hardened old sailors talk about storms that almost killed them. Awe, fear, respect. Grade: F

Special Teams
ZWR: You know who I love? That little kid dressed like Spider Man for the Christmas play in Love, Actually! He’s adorable! Grade: A+++++++

omfg yes please

The Evster: You know who I love? Literally every woman who has ever had her underwear purposely peeking out of the top of her pants. Also, literally every other woman who has ever had a pulse. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Okay then.

Doc Pizza: I mean, I’ll give Star Wars the chance it deserves but all I’m sayin is there’s a possibility people think this franchise is better than it is only because of nostalgia. Grade: C

DG: Changed my mind. I would not like Josh Huff more if he wore a blackout visor. I would feel like he hadn't earned it. Glad we settled that. Grade: blurp

Coaching
ZWR: That whole scene in Love, Actually is bonkers the kids are precious Christmas rules.

The Evster: Christmas is stupid, bitch ass Santa has skipped my house for 38 straight years. #JewLivesMatter. Grade: F forever

Doc Pizza: When we lose the next two I’m back on #FireChip bandwagon no doubt, but he was fine yesterday. I was and still am fully on board with going for it on 4th. I mean, the good thing about Star Wars is that if you don’t love it more you’re your family and friends you can easily avoid it. Do not @ me about Star Wars. Grade: B

DG: The best kids in any Christmas pageant or concert are the ones who have no individual performance so they spend the whole time fidgeting in the background and sighing prodigiously and looking at the ceiling and squirming around in the sweater their mom made them wear and all together just looking as bored as any human has ever looked in history while their classmate is 10 feet in front of them pouring their heart into a squeaky rendition of Jingle Bells. Those are my dudes. Grade: C

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