Eagles Week 15 Report Card ... Like Eleventy Days Later (YOLO)

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Quarterback
ZWR: The Giants are wearing Starter jackets tomorrow night. And their old helmet logos. The Eagles, once again, are in their dorkbeak loserface 1993 ESPN 2 Extreme arena football all-black dweeb uniforms. Awesome. Thanks. We stink and we look like nerds. Grade: Everyone wants kelly green but Jeff Lurie doesn't care because he thinks he's the only history this team has but at least we have windmills (too much???)

Check the #ColorRush jackets for the @Giants #uniswag pic.twitter.com/AUT2s2e37n

— UNISWAG (@Uniformswag) December 21, 2016

Eagles Week 14 Report Card (w/ Lots of Christmas Cookie Talk)

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Editor's Note: Posting this week's report card on Tuesday because all three of us had to be adults yesterday BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Quarterback
ZWR: Okay, Carson Wentz is awesome again. WHEW! Thank goodness. Homeboy looked smooth back there yesterday. If his offensive line knew how to block or his receivers could drag their feet like any kid playing two hand touch in the playground knows to do we may just have won but frankly Wentz looking good is more important than winning a game that doesn’t matter since we’re too crappy to make the playoffs AGAIN so whatevs. Grade: A+++++++++++

Eagles Week Whatever It Is Report Card (Spoiler: STINK. STANK. STUNK.)

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Hi everyone Dr. Pizza is not here this week he got passed out celebrating the Penn State win in Indianapolis on Saturday we don't even know if he's still alive to be honest. Enjoy Evan and I talking about eggs and naps. 

Quarterback
ZWR: Welp. Grade: F-

The Evster: Fell asleep in the 2nd quarter, woke up at some point in the 4th, put on Midnight Run with Bobby Deniro and Charles Grodin, had a great day. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Didn’t fall asleep during the game, but did doze off on the couch while the kids watched The Snowy Day (so great, on Amazon Prime if you have it) at around 6:30 it was so nice.

Photo: NPR

Eagles Week 11 Report Card

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Quarterback
ZWR: Okay, it’s both. Carson Wentz’s receivers stink and cost him yards/scores AND he’s making some craptastic decisions. It is both. I still love him. He’s going to be very good. Let’s all be happy we’re burning the learning year this season rather than next. Watching Sam Bradford wouldn’t be more fun, and this is waaaaay more productive long term. Grade: B

The Evster: 0 for 2 on moon balls, but I appreciate the effort. Next week I’d like to see at least 12 more moon balls (in the first half) (and also our head coach get fired). Grade: A forever

Photo by: ZWR

Eagles Week Ten Report Card

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Quarterback
ZWR: Pretty sure Carson Wentz hasn’t thrown a touchdown in like three weeks and yet I haven’t been as confident with a QB under center since peak McNabb. Grade: Learning Year A+++++++++++++

Eagles Week Nine Report Card

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Quarterback
ZWR: Oh man, Carson, those two interceptions were brutal. Buuuut you battled back hard and put up a bunch of yards and got us into position to get some points. But srsly bro those interceptions… Grade: C+

AP Photo / Frank Franklin II

Michael Martinez Injury Update: 2016 World Series Edition

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Still dead.

Week Eight Report Card (SPOILER: We Lost It's Monday Nobody Slept Well Hate Sports)

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Quarterback
ZWR: Carson Wentz is a Porsche with bobo dork tires that your dad fixed so that it can't go over 40 MPH. Grade: A+

The Evster: Back when I was not 473 years old and used to play Madden, my friend Larbo would employ the “1 in 3” strategy -- where he would bomb the ball down the field on every play and only needed to complete “1 in 3” to be successful. He never was. He was terrible. Lost every game, but goddammit watching him launch balls to the moon was friggin’ exhilarating. Grade: A forever, but also F

Eagles Week Seven Report Card

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Quarterback
ZWR: Carson Wentz wasn't very good, but he also isn't Sam Bradford. Grade: A++++

NOT COOL ZWR LOLOLOL

Eagles Week Stink Report Card (SPOILER: F-)

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Quarterback
ZWR: Carson Wentz was surrounded by people who stunk.

TDIRHH (This Date in Roy Halladay History)

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October 6, 2010: Roy Halladay throws a fargling NO-HITTER IN HIS FIRST CAREER MLB PLAYOFF GAME.

What a great memory. Good times are ahead Phils fans, though I can't promise anything like that bonkers-ness.

Eagles Week Three Report Card

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Quarterback
ZWR: 300 yards passing, two touchdowns, no interceptions, demolished an elite, unbeaten team that was favored to win the game? We’ll give Wentz a pass this week as he’s only a rookie, but expect better next game. Grade: C-

Eagles Week Two Report Card

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Another week another win another Wentzfest...

Quarterback
ZWR: I would trade every first round pick for the entirety of his career for Carson Wentz. The kid has IT. Our old friend Crane Kicker texted me after like the third offensive play “this kid as it” and I was all, “you are correct he sure does have it”. Can’t wait until he breaks his leg next week.

OMG also did you see that we got a “Crappy Quarterbacks Since…” montage during the game last night?! I was so excited to see that, though I don’t think Mike Vick’s crappy FWIW.

Grade: More excited than I’ve ever been in my life outside of being handed french fries.

Eagles Week One Report Card!!!

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Hey there kids. Yes, the Eagles Report Cards are back this season. Sadly, Danger Guerrero cannot join us because UPROXX are a bunch of pricks, but Evster and Dr. Pizza are back!!!

Quarterback
ZWR: I can't even, you guys. Carson Wentz is a straight up franchise quarterback. That's not hyperbole, I can just tell. Did you see those throws? Did you see the poise? Did you see his sleeves. I can't even!!! The dorks are going to tell you to temper your expectations and not get too excited. Well I tell them (and instruct you to do the same) to go screw their faces. Grade: A++++++

NO SPOILERS: Mr. Robot Season 2 Episode 5 Detailed Review

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Final Target for Phils at 1.1 in MLB Draft

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There have been many names circulated as potential choices for the Phils with the first pick in the 2016 MLB Draft. Florida pitcher A.J. Puk, NJ prep phenom Jason Groome, Mercer outfielder Kyle Lewis, and high school bat Mickey Moniak tend to get thrown around most frequently. Each of those players is fine, though it seems that last night a true leader of the pack has emerged.

Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy Update

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One of my favorite recurring characters over the life of the bolg has been Super Pumped Marlins Fan Guy ("SPMFG") - he's actually even become our Twitter friend. But times have turned hard for SPMFG, beyond just having to root for a team that literally has zero business being a part of Major League Baseball. Like srsly MLB how are you even letting this crap show of a franchise happen nobody likes them and nobody goes to their games and they ripped off the taxpayers to build the dumbest ballpark ever and their owner is a scumbag and the one dork was voted out of Survivor the first week and YOU ALREADY NEED TO BRING BACK THE EXPOS!

Wow, that felt good. Anyway, on to SPMFG ...

A Comprehensive Washington Capitals Scouting Report

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Good morning all. As you're keenly aware, I am not only the world's foremost authority on having gone to the zoo with Blue Jays and Phillies great Roy Halladay-- I am a hockey expert as well! Over the years on the ol' bolg I've offered up some NHL scouting reports, and with our heroes back in the postseason after a fluke 2014/15 break, I'm happy to do so again this spring. Joining me this shift to examine the Presidents Trophy winning Caps is FGSB, who you are already following on Twitter and whose Flyers site you cherished (note: he never went to the zoo with any great players). LEGGO!

This Is A Good Flyers Pump Up Video!

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Great job, hillman811!

ALL THE FEELS!!!

OMFG NATIONAL CHAMPIONS

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This is not a well put together post. This is just, well, euphoria.

Reaction of #Villanova students as Jenkins' buckets falls, giving Nova #NationalChampionship. pic.twitter.com/1XuruYiy4k

— John Kopp (@WriterJohnKopp) April 5, 2016

AND FINALLY...

One Shining Moment. https://t.co/lA2hl6uxOo

— March Madness TV (@MarchMadnessTV) April 5, 2016

4/4/16 vs. Reds - One Sentence Game Recap

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Bullpen looking good.

Eagles Free Agency Report Card

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Well, it's March, so of course the Eagles are doing a bunch of crazy stuff. Upon the start of free agency yesterday the Birds were busy with many moves- let's see how they grade out! 

Brandon Brooks (OL): Brooks is a huuuuuuuuuge, and will be an upgrade at guard not just because he's an actual NFL player but a legit banger to boot. Grade: A+++++++

Where to Watch Today's Phillies Game

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That's right, you just read the words watch today's Phillies game! ZWR is confirming that Matt Breen tweeted the following:

You can watch today's #Phillies game here https://t.co/k4A70S3GTb

— Matt Breen (@matt_breen) February 28, 2016

This is all so exciting. The Phils have some legit banger prospects (Knapp, Alfaro, etc.) playing, but more than anything it's the first Phillies baseball game of 2016 and that makes me happy I don't care if it's against a college yes please let's go.

The livecast link once again if you're too lazy or confused to click on an embedded tweet.

Michael Martinez Injury Update: Full Squad Workouts Edition

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Still dead. 

Holy Butt- New Shirts!!!

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Hey there kids, it’s once again that time of year when we’re reminded just how much- and why- we love the game of baseball. The visceral reactions to seeing bright green grass and sunshine, to remembering that we get a reason to drink on weeknights free of guilt, and just the game itself are undeniably cheerful. With players taking to the practice fields in Clearwooder, and Vegas setting the Phils over/under in the 60s, there is a palpable excitement in the air!

No, I’m serious. This team is moving in the right direction! There are brilliant young talents arriving or on the way, payroll flexibility (wait what), and a new approach that will benefit the Fightins going forward.

(AP Photo/Chris O'Meara)

"I'm Coming Home"

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Here it is, the Zoo With Roy (www.zoowithroy.com) Photoshop you've all been waiting for:

I see you on the Chiefs and you walk on byyyyy:

Rich Dubee and Greg Gross Discuss the Weather

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"How about this weather?"

"Cold one out there."

"You sure aren't kidding."

Eagles Week 17 Report Card

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Oh my god thank God this season is over. Let's do this thing.

Quarterback
ZWR: Okay, let's just get this out of the way: I was rooting for the Eagles to lose yesterday. It felt weird, and I hated myself while doing so, but I rationalized it as being best in the long run … and I wanted to go to London! Sammy Sleeves, though, stuck all of that right in my butt (wait what) with his touch passes and long balls and laser beamers and seam jawners. He could be the answer at quarterback… and since we’re Philadelphia he’ll probably get a huge four year contract and tear his knee into eleventy pieces in the first preseason game next season. Grade: Whatevs

The Evster: Are we supposed to be grading yesterday’s performance or this season’s performance? Either way, my grade is: omg I don’t even come close to giving a shit.

ZWR: Yesterday dummy that’s why it’s called the Week 18 Report Card smdh

The Evster: Pretty sure it’s Week 17 you fat Albanian f***.

ZWR: Touche.

LOL HE GOT YOU THERE ZOO!