Monday, January 4, 2016

Eagles Week 17 Report Card

Oh my god thank God this season is over. Let's do this thing.

ZWR: Okay, let's just get this out of the way: I was rooting for the Eagles to lose yesterday. It felt weird, and I hated myself while doing so, but I rationalized it as being best in the long run … and I wanted to go to London! Sammy Sleeves, though, stuck all of that right in my butt (wait what) with his touch passes and long balls and laser beamers and seam jawners. He could be the answer at quarterback… and since we’re Philadelphia he’ll probably get a huge four year contract and tear his knee into eleventy pieces in the first preseason game next season. Grade: Whatevs

The Evster: Are we supposed to be grading yesterday’s performance or this season’s performance? Either way, my grade is: omg I don’t even come close to giving a shit.

ZWR: Yesterday dummy that’s why it’s called the Week 18 Report Card smdh

The Evster: Pretty sure it’s Week 17 you fat Albanian f***.

ZWR: Touche.


Doc Pizza: Not gonna lie I didn’t watch much of this game I did however heat up some leftover chicken wings from Saturday that were mild and not how enough at all. I sometimes find that that many people, myself included, forget that there’s a distinction between “medium” and “mild.” Mild has NO heat, while medium is in the middle of mild and hot. I think a numeric system to distinguish the level of heat would be a good way to go.

DG: Didn’t watch a lick. Watched The Martian instead. Felt great about it. My only complaint is that Matt Damon didn’t do his Good Will Hunting accent the whole time. Just a super Boston astronaut.

Running Backs
ZWR: Sprolesy had a touchdown!!! Love that guy. Grade: A+++++++++++

The Evster: Sprolesy did in fact have a touchdown. Did I see that touchdown? No. Because I was out eating cheeseburgers. And yes that’s cheeseburgers with an “s” on the end because I’m a fat Spanish f***. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: I caught up on the popular Netflix series Making A Murderer this weekend and wow what great storytelling. Not only did this documentary build suspense as well as any other TV show currently, but it brought out emotions of sympathy, hatred, disgust, astonishment and more! What a great way to start 2016!

DG: I really hope I never bungle anything so spectacularly that it becomes the focus of a popular documentary.

ZWR: Okay season’s over guys let’s cut Riley Cooper please. Great game by Jordan Matthews and Zach Ertz yesterday! Thanks for waiting until it didn’t matter to catch almost every pass! That’s not fair I’m sorry. Grade: I really am sorry I would drop every pass if I played wide receiver or tight end in the NFL

The Evster: I actually did catch part of the game -- just enough to see Jordan Matthews drop a pass that literally went right through his hands. He’s probably the best receiver on this team. Grade: F forever

ZWR: I love cheeseburgers. All of them. Spicy, sweet, one patty, nine patties, billion topings, no topings- all of them. I had a peanut butter and pepper jelly bacon burger once in Florida and loved that too.

The Evster: Topings lol.

Doc Pizza: I recently got a George Foreman grill.

DG: I love a burger with sauteed onions and mushrooms, but I love an anything with sauteed onions and mushrooms. You could put them on a giant sack of sh*t -- like, say, the 2015 Eagles season -- and I would still eat it.


Offensive Line
ZWR: The Eagles should get at least one cartel member to play on the offensive line. Nobody would dare rush the passer. Can you imagine if those two cousins from Breaking Bad were playing guard? They’d just stand there in their boots and the other team's’ defensive tackles would be like “Go ahead!” and DeMarco Murray would scamper through the hole all happy with himself. Maybe get the guy from Narcos as the incumbent at left tackle.

The Evster: I currently have two tabs open on my computer screen: this one, and another from TV My Weef Wooches as I recap Downton Abbey. I keep going back and forth and getting really confused. There sure are a lot of #horses on that show. They should call it Downton Horseby. Thank you. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: I DVR’d the newest episode of Sherlock this weekend but haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. At first, I wasn’t really into the show. Wait, let me take that back. I wasn’t into the “idea” of the show. I just thought it had been played out and would be simply another British show without much entertainment beyond the accents, which granted does last about 30 minutes. But after seeing a few episodes, I really fell in love with the characters and the way the plot seems to be a fun roller coaster full of excitement and intrigue.

DG: All three seasons of Happy Endings are on Hulu Plus now. Now there’s a goddang television program. I watched four episodes in the middle of the night last night and I’m supposed to be cutting back on caffeine so I haven’t had any coffee this morning. The result for you in rambling paragraphs like this that look like they’re making a point but are really just a string of loosely related statements. You’re welcome.

Defensive Line
To: Fletcher Cox
From: ZWR, Eagles Interim President
Subject: 32 Year, $1.4B Contract Extension
Date: Jan 4, 2016

The Evster: I am surprised every time someone gets up after being tackled. Grade: B?

Doc Pizza: Wore the scarf I got for Christmas for the first time today. Look out it’s getting chilly now!

DG: We need one of those huge big fat guys. Huge. Just disgusting. 400 pounds, minimum. Belly rolls flapping in the wind as he does his sack dance. This is our top offseason priority.

ZWR: The Nag made stuffed mushrooms this weekend- legit banger. Italian sausage stuffed in little mushrooms baked with gravy and parm MADONE so good. Grade: A+

The Evster: I find it absolutely flabbergasting that you’re allowed to call your wife “The Nag” on the Internet. I hope she murders you. Grade: C+!

Doc Pizza: My girlfriend made some Korean beef thing last night that was pretty good. Certainly not anything to write home about, and she would agree with that I think, but it’s a nice change of pace for us.

DG: I’ve said this before, but you can shoot anything smaller than a cannonball out of a cannon, technically.

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Onion Rings
ZWR: I was in Philly over Christmas and during the Redskins game my buddy’s brother-in-law kept calling EJ Biggers “Ed Bigler” I was dying. Walter “The Thermostat” capped off a good season with a billionty yard pick six. Eric Rowe looked respectable out there… I think he’s our best cornerback already. Ed Bigler didn’t give up the five touchdowns I assumed were coming to OBJ. Go team! Grade: 7-9 baby!!!!!!!!

The Evster: My favorite thing to do these days is to grab one of my cats’ tails and hold it up to my mouth and say, “Hello, is this thing on?” Grade: Hilarious

Doc Pizza: I think my Brita filter needs to be replaced.

DG: I need -- for my emotional well-being -- a 30 home run season out of Maikel Franco. If he hits 29 I might jump in front of a bus. Sports are fun.

Special Teams
ZWR: Nobody died. Grade: A

The Evster: Don’t care.

Doc Pizza: I feel there’s a lot of pressure in today’s workplace to not take a full hour lunch, especially when working for a smaller company like I do. I’m sure no one would say anything and few truly take notice or care, but seeing a number of people eating at their desks while answering emails just depresses me. Don’t people need a break from work for a bit? What happened to the coffee “break.” Sometimes it’s nice to get away from work for just a few minutes to clear your mind. And I am of the opinion that taking 60 minutes for lunch is not only something that we, as a society, should be more OK with, but encourage everyone to do, no matter their level within an organization.

DG: I refuse to believe dolphins are as smart as everyone says.

ZWR: Oh who cares thanks everyone for reading and commiserating with us this year!!! We love you (except for Evster, he hates you).

The Evster: That’s not true. I love everyone in this life. Thank you.

Doc Pizza: Well done, Zoo. Here’s an excerpt from an email I wrote last week:

Hello all, Thanks to everyone for a spectacular year together! From the [REDACTED] to S[REDCATED] and everything in between, it was an absolute pleasure to work with you all and to achieve all that we did. We’re looking forward to another great year ahead in 2016.


1 comment:

  1. I fully support ZWR as our new President with contract offers such as that one.


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