Thursday, April 14, 2016

A Comprehensive Washington Capitals Scouting Report


Good morning all. As you're keenly aware, I am not only the world's foremost authority on having gone to the zoo with Blue Jays and Phillies great Roy Halladay-- I am a hockey expert as well! Over the years on the ol' bolg I've offered up some NHL scouting reports, and with our heroes back in the postseason after a fluke 2014/15 break, I'm happy to do so again this spring. Joining me this shift to examine the Presidents Trophy winning Caps is FGSB, who you are already following on Twitter and whose Flyers site you cherished (note: he never went to the zoo with any great players). LEGGO!





Justin Williams: Parks his cart lengthwise in front of all the yogurt at Wegmans and then wanders off to look at the sour cream.

Alexander Ovechkin: 50 goals, 4 assists, +2 on the season heck of a player one of the best in the game.

Barry Trotz: Perfectly egg shaped, and seems like a nice man. We wish him no ill will.

Mike Richards: An upstart rookie with absolutely no affiliation to Philadelphia or the Flyers. Lives a simple, pure, uncut, life. Tried to sneak back into Canada with the name Rich Michaels.

Jay Beagle: All practice long he challenges guys to see who can spray snow higher up the boards (he isn’t even very good at hockey stops).

Matt Niskanen: Thinks all soft pretzels taste the same.

Nicklas Backstrom: Hands as soft as the all new 2016 Volvo Sport S60 leather package. Eyes are as sharp as the interior of the all new 2016 Volvo Sport S60. The all new 2016 Volvo Sport S60, available now at your local Volvo dealership. Sponsored.

Jason Chimera: His head looks like a four day old cantaloupe. Received his last rites the minute he decided to butt end Ghost Bear. Will bleed his own blood.

Pictured: Jason Chimera

Mike Weber: From Pittsburgh, played in Buffalo, now a Capital. That is a Sh*t-Trifecta.

Karl Alzner: That’s Karl, with a K. He argues with people that The Big Bang Theory is better than Parks and Recreation.

Marcus Johansson: Models his game after his uncle, the Swedish Chef.



Brooks Orpik: Has literally never not shoved someone from behind. His mother-in-law turned to get pies at Thanksgiving dinner and he boarded her into the dining room wainscoting. Also, not a good son-in-law.

Evgeny Kuznetsov: Went to Cancun for Spring Break and told everyone to call him Booze Cruisenetsov! (Yes I know that makes literally no sense)

T.J. Oshie: Oshie is as American as Benedict Arnold and deep dish pizza. AIN’T NO SHOOTOUTS IN THE PLAYOFFS OSHDOGG!

Nate Schmidt: LOL who the f*** is Nate Schmidt?! Google must’ve made a mistake.

John Carlson: Replies to your Craigslist ads with “hey is this still available?” and then doesn’t say anything else after you tell him it is and you’re like “Wait is this dude just trying to get my address or something wtf?”

Michael Latta: Has a latta problems playing professional hockey. LOL

Andre Burakovsky: Burakovsky is from Klagenfurt, but totally plays like someone from Tamsweg. GOT EEEEM!!!!



Stanislav Galiev: This dork is actually from Minnesota, but changed his name from Stan Gale so he’d have a better chance of making the team.

Zach Sill: If Jason Chimera looks like a four day old cantaloupe this donkey is a honeydew from the Dollar Store.

Tom Wilson: I’ll put it in terms Flyers fans can relate to: Tom Wilson is like Zac Rinaldo without the hockey sense. He’s like Dan Carcillo without the composure. He’s like Dan Kordic without the smooth skating.

Daniel Winnik: Annoys his teammates by yelling “Winnik!” whenever something goes his way, not realizing that it’s terribly corny and out of date. He tried to get a Charlie Sheen “Winnik” shirt made but doesn’t know how to go online.

Taylor Chorney: That’s his real last name. I’m serious. No we didn’t do anything to it. Swear. Taylor Chorney. Jonathan Taylor Chorney.

Dmitry Orlov: Still doesn’t know if he’s supposed to tip when he orders take-out.

Martin Erat: Came to the Caps in exchange for Filip Forsberg. Heck of a trade!



Brayden Holtby: Hey, he’s a good goalie. Very good...
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At getting punched in the face!

FGSB: Another GOT EEM? 

ZWR: I think so, eh?



LET'S GO FLYERS!!!


2 comments:

  1. Hate to bail on the hockey party, but I kind of want to go to the zoo with Vinny Velasquez right now

    ReplyDelete
  2. Scouting is very interesting and enjoyable game, this game is better than the normal hockey game. sears

    ReplyDelete

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