Monday, September 12, 2016

Eagles Week One Report Card!!!

Hey there kids. Yes, the Eagles Report Cards are back this season. Sadly, Danger Guerrero cannot join us because UPROXX are a bunch of pricks, but Evster and Dr. Pizza are back!!!

ZWR: I can't even, you guys. Carson Wentz is a straight up franchise quarterback. That's not hyperbole, I can just tell. Did you see those throws? Did you see the poise? Did you see his sleeves. I can't even!!! The dorks are going to tell you to temper your expectations and not get too excited. Well I tell them (and instruct you to do the same) to go screw their faces. Grade: A++++++

The Evster: Zoo, I think it’s time that you allow us to curse on this website. It’s 2016, Colin Kaepernick is a hero, free speech is back and literally no one cares about anything. I saw a girl on the street last week whose shorts were basically up to her throat. Besides, Awesome Emma is like 24-years-old at this point, so who are we trying to protect? Let’s take this bolg from family-friendly to NC-17, because Carson Wentz is a muthaf***in P.I.M.PPPPPPPPP. Grade: Solid B+

ZWR: No way dummy.

Doc Pizza: Let me start off by saying I was watching this game illegally on my computer from Pittsburgh because that trash town decided to show the Jets/Bengals game instead of a game between a team from its own state and a team less than 100 miles from Pittsburgh. So with all that said, Carson Wentz looked a little choppy to me. There seemed to be plays where he went from under center right to the ground with no discernible reason or explanation why from the commentators. Sometimes he’d complete a pass in that time frame, others he wouldn’t. Now, I don’t want to overstate myself here but I think Carson Wentz could be some sort of demon or demigod. I mean, he seemed to completely skip any actual QB work, pixelate himself, and go to the ground. How did he do that and why the heck is no one talking about this?? He can basically teletransport a ball from the center’s butt to Jordan Matthews’ hands (and then to the ground)? I felt that basically divine play deserved more play than it got. This guy is something special. Thanks! Grade: A+

Running Backs
ZWR: Love the balance! Kenjawn was popping legit bangers, Sprolesy was jukin n’ jivin and running under people’s legs, and R-MAT was bashing people for the hard yards that make the muscle-bound say things like “Respect”. Grade: A++++++++ Respect

The Evster: Running the ball is stupid. They should let Carson Wentz throw the ball as far as he can on every goddamn play. Just drop back, set your feet and throw the ball to the f***ing moon. Drew Brees had a 98-yard touchdown pass yesterday. His team lost, but that’s not the point. The point is that RGIII’s hair is unacceptable. Grade: Solid B+

Doc Pizza: OK now these guys are good. Who knew running forward could actually be beneficial to a running game? Who could have predicted that using your weight (or sheer will like the 4-foot-9 Sprolesy does) to steamroll some schlubs into the ground could help you gain yardage? I mean, DeMarco Murray (Editor's note: Scab pig scumbag) had an interesting strategy by just having convulsions after getting the hand-off and then lying on the ground in the fetal position crying, and I certainly commend him for trying something new, but I think I’m gonna go with our current guys who are actually trying to be good. Thanks! Grade: A+

ZWR: Jordan Matthews is going to have 187 receptions this season write it down in permanent marker on your sister’s face. Grade: A++++++++

The Evster: The Browns have a guy named Gary Barnidge. That’s gotta be some sort of record. Grade: B-

ZWR: Fella has a heck of a haircut.

Doc Pizza: To me, it’s crazy that after one game Jordan Matthews has already dropped more passes than the entire league combined from 2007-2016 and people still think he’s good! That’s a testament to him for being able to not catch a single ball as a wide receiver and still have people not want to plug an auxiliary cord into your earhole. DGB looked good I guess I don’t know didn’t really notice him much. Thanks! Grade: B

Offensive Line
ZWR: Two things I loved:
1. Lane Johnson and Jason Peters false-started basically every play and the refs never called it.
2. Jason Peters caught Ryan Mathews as he flew into the end zone (HE CAUGHT A 230 POUND STUD PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE LIKE A FRISBEE) and placed him down gently so that he wouldn’t land on his head.
Grade: A+++++++++++++

The Evster: I know that you’re supposed to eat strombolis and buffalo chicken dip and extra strength Imodium on gameday, but I switched it up yesterday and went with a bagel and whitefish salad. For all you non-Jews out there (who are probably pro-Donald Trump and anti-Colin Kaep), you need to recognize. Whitefish sal is the truth. My move is to go everything bagel (obvs) with a light layer of cream cheese (used just as a primer), then whitefish sal, onion and tomato. You can throw a slice of swiss cheese on there if you’re being ambitious, but it’s not necessary. Eat it open-faced like a true Jew. Offensive line has to be the stupidest and most boring position in professional sports. I thought Lane Johnson was supposed to be suspended? Who cares. Grade: B+

ZWR: Love Jews.

Doc Pizza: Jason Peets play was bonkers I gave him not one but TWO big thumbs up after he did it. Way to go Jason! Thanks! Grade: A

Defensive Line
ZWR: Fletcher Cox sacked Robert Griffin by his face. Brandon Graham threw him through the end wall to preserve a safety. Beau Allen played fullback on a goalline touchdown. Vinny Currz got ridden like a bronco. Sounds like an A+++++++++++++++ to me!

The Evster: How many concussions do you think Cam Newton had on Thursday night? Five? I say seven. Grade: Solid B+

ZWR: The data are inconclusive I’m not even sure concussions are a real thing. Like climate change.

Doc Pizza: Fletcher Cox is, probably, my favorite person alive who could smash my skull into Jello™ if he clapped his hands together 1 mile away from me. The way he gets down on the line of scrimmage (football term) and goes forward to attack the quarterback or running back, whoever happens to have the ball at the time, and tries to take him down to the ground? Man, it’s a thing of beauty! Also I don’t know why but the way his No. 91 looks on that jersey kind of looks, to me, like a very skinny white person trying to grind up on a BBW and I think it’s hot as hell. Thanks! Grade: A

ZWR: Jordan Hicks is back! I love that guy. I assume he played well; Cleveland seriously has the worst offense I’ve ever seen I think my high school hockey team could beat them at any sport they’re just not good athletes. Grade: A+++++ ELITE

(Evster forgot to grade the linebackers so I just texted him the Israeli flag emoji lol)

The Evster: They shut down Gary Barbidge! Grade: A+

Doc Pizza: Honestly, and I apologize for this, I lost my in-game notes for the Linebackers section of this recap. I apologize and promise to do better next time. Thanks! Grade: N/A

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Italian Hoagie
ZWR: I actually did get an Italian hoagie yesterday, from a place named Taylor Gourmet. It’s slim pickings for sandwiches in the cultureless suburban hell hole that is Northern Virginia, but that place is legit. Plus, all the sandwiches are named after Philly crap. Like, one is called “Ritner”, which is kind of crazy because I had friends who lived on Ritner Street and that’s where we first saw Kelly Kapowski’s boobies on the internet. Of course I ordered the Ritner. The roll had seeds on it. As for the Eagles secondary… ummm, way to go guys you get an A!

The Evster: At one point during the second quarter (might’ve been the third, or the fourth, honestly who gives a sh*t about anything?), RGIII threw an absolute bomber to one of his receivers who was not named Gary Barnidge. There were three Eagles in coverage, and for some reason, in some way, the ball landed in the Browns’ receiver’s hands quite easily. Greg Gumbel (lol) immediately asked his partner (a professional football analyst), Trent Green (a former professional football player), “How does that happen?” and Trent responded by saying, and I quote, “You know, that’s just not understanding the football and getting it.” This is a grown man who gets paid hundreds of thousands (maybe millions?) of dollars to analyze football games and he responds by saying, “That’s just not understanding the football and getting it.” What does that even mean?! I think we need a new section on these report cards where we make fun of announcers, because I’m at a time in my life where I can’t handle anything. I legit don’t know one player in the Eagles’ secondary. Grade: Solid B+

ZWR: I’m surprised Trent Green hasn’t assassinated Kurt Warner yet.

Doc Pizza: I thought we explicitly said no profanities in this recap, but yet again Evan thinks he’s above the law and goes and uses a curse word in his section. It’s not enough that the internet destroyed him for being a creep online but he’s got to go and use foul language to try to pretend he’s “cool” or “rugged”? Just because you rode a horse once doesn’t make you a cowboy, Evan. Secondary looked good. Thanks! Grade: A

Special Teams
ZWR: I love Donnie Jones and Dorenbos and Sprolesy so I don’t want to be negative but listen up Sturgis, you’re not allowed to miss field goals. I’m not having it. I already miss Cody Parkey and you dorking a kick is only going to make it worse. Get it together, for me. Grade: B+

The Evster: How could anyone in the world possibly give a sh** about special teams? Grade: F

Doc Pizza: If you ever miss a field goal, I don’t care if it’s a 75-yard kick, I will never give you a grade above a C. It’s just my rule. Remember when Andy Reid drafted Alex Henery like 3rd overall in the draft or whatever? Thanks! Grade: B+

ZWR: Dougie “Pleats” Pedes is literally the most boring, sensible human being on Earth. Maybe that’s not a bad thing considering the sh*t circus that was last season? Maybe a sound run game and conservative pass routes and playing it cool is best? It’s hard to tell, because I’m not even joking my high school hockey team and I just beat the Cleveland Browns 35-17 in a game of flag football. Our top wide receiver is 37 years old and weighs 235 pounds.

The Evster: Absolutely unacceptable that Doug Pederson (in his first game) did not call a moon ball on Carson Wentz’s first play (in his first game!). He should be fired immediately. Grade: #FIRETHATDORK

Doc Pizza: My thoughts on Doug Pederson go as follows:


  1. I go Muenster on my garlic/onion bagel with a thin layer of cream cheese and whitefish salad. That shiz is da truth, bro.

  2. Gotta give props to DougiePete (Dougie Peed?) for committing to my fantasy team and running R-MAT like 17 times at the one yard line after he got stuffed a bunch and then there was a try-again penalty. That TD didn't win me my game, but Dougie didn't know that at the time, and you can't coach scared. Not even when you know that if you lose a few games Laurie is gonna promote BDawk to head coach.

  3. zoo have u been to the italian store on lee hwy its pretty damn good


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