Monday, September 26, 2016

Eagles Week Three Report Card

ZWR: 300 yards passing, two touchdowns, no interceptions, demolished an elite, unbeaten team that was favored to win the game? We’ll give Wentz a pass this week as he’s only a rookie, but expect better next game. Grade: C-

The Evster: With all due respect to Donovan McNabb and Randall Cunningham, Carson Wentz is the best black quarterback I've ever seen. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: I realize Carson Wentz is playing really well and that should be commended, but I’m starting to wonder if he’s playing a little too well to try to ruin the Eagles. Now, hear me out but what if he’s playing so perfectly on purpose that he becomes the first QB to earn a $1 billion contract? Like, how would that benefit the Eagles if we have to shell out a cool bil for him to stay on the team? How is that OK? Selfish! Grade: A

Running Backs
ZWR: When Dell? Smallwood with a touchdown! Kenjawn with a touchdown. Sprolesy with a touchdown! Ryan Mathews looked very agile. It’s a committee that works, you guys! Grade: A+++++++++++++++

The Evster: Wendell Smallwood is a bit of a loose cannon. In 2014, he was arrested after threatening a witness who had snitched on Smallwood’s buddy. Another time (on Twitter), Smallwood said “75% of Philly n*ggas gay.” I think it's pretty safe to say that Wendell is well on his way to becoming my favorite football player ever. Grade: B+

ZWR: Don’t forget his wanting to get his booty hole ate!!!

Doc Pizza: In 2016 Wendell Smallwood, 5th Round pick, is averaging 4.8 yards per carry with an offensive line that features bag of hair Jason Kelce. Meanwhile, Ezekiel Elliott, No. 4 overall pick, is averaging 3.9 YPC behind what Skip Bayless has called, “The best offensive line I’ve ever sucked off.” Grade: A

ZWR: I don’t want to take anything away from our receivers, who have sucked way less than they did last year, but I’m pretty sure the three of us could line up outside next game and Wentzy would put up 300+ and two tuddies. Evster would be Nelly Snags because he likes R rated activities, I’d be Air Jordan because I like ugly sneakers, and Dr. Pizza would be DGB because he’s an incredible physical specimen with questionable commitment. Grade: A++++++

BREAKING ZWR EXCLUSIVE: Look for TE Z. Ertz to return for Week Five.

Doc Pizza: Thank you for comparing me to the tallest, sexiest receiver on the Eagles.

ZWR: It’s only fair.

The Evster: Over the last few years we’ve heard a lot about how Zach Ertz was going to redefine the tight end position with his elite athleticism and rock hard jaw line. Nice to see that's finally coming to fruition in Trey Burton. Also, I don't know who dropped that moon ball in the end zone but he should be fired immediately. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Crazy stat here: this was the first game in nearly 22 years in which the Eagles receivers dropped fewer than 30 passes in a single game! Way to go everyone! Our tight ends are good and strong and I want to grab them and shove my face into them Wendell Smallwood style. Grade: A

ZWR: Dude let’s trade Ertz for a dude with cool corn rows we’re fine with Celek and Touchdown Trey. Actually that’s a terrible idea.

Offensive Line
ZWR: I noticed lots of good stunts and pulls and traps! Our neighbor gave us a Chromecast. I bought cinnamon scented pine cones at Wegmans! Grade: A++++++++

The Evster: There are few greater feelings in this world than opening up a styrofoam container filled with hot wings and feeling the buffalo steam zip through your nostrils. One of them is probably doing steroids and not getting punished for it. How is Lane “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” Johnson doing it?! Grade: A

ZWR: I love that, the Evster. I also always open one of the bleu cheese containers and eat some with my finger like a deplorable fat pig every time.

Doc Pizza: Fine game from the O-line, it really was, but Jason Peters didn’t lift one of our running backs into the air and gently place them back down safely and securely in the endzone so it’s hard to give them a perfect grade here. Grade: A-

Defensive Line
ZWR: The Eagles had like fourteen sacks yesterday and the quarterback was bigger than all of their defensive lineman that’s amazing. I tell you what (wait for it), Big Ben (get ready!) doesn’t want to see (are you ready?!) any s’more of Graham!!! (OMFG FACE ASPLODE) Grade: A++++++++++++++++

Doc Pizza: Great s’more reference ZWR it definitely deserved a separate email to us pointing it out.

ZWR: You’re fired. That email was a passive aggressive way to remind your lazy millennial butt to actually start writing.

Doc Pizza: I’m crying into my craft $8 latte as I write this from my parents’ house while saddled with $10 million dollars in student loans during which time I am reading a Buzzfeed list about the top 10 Snapchat filters of September 2016.

ZWR: LOL just spit out my single origin shade grown fair trade! LOL LOL THIS. SO THIS!

The Evster: Pretty proud of myself for learning these guys’ names. Brandon Grails is fantastic. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Great job by the Eagles but you gotta feel for Big Ben here no one likes to get taken to the ground against their will and controlled by a huge athlete who shoves his butt in your face. Grade: A

ZWR: Jordan Hicks is a future Pro Bowler. That Tulloch guy was breaking faces. Nigel Bradham is scary AF. Kendricks didn’t get hurt. What more could you ask for? We have a white guy on the sidelines with a ponytail down to his butt. This season is destiny. WE HAVE A GUY NAMED DESTINY! Grade: A+++++++++++++==

The Evster: I googled “Eagles linebackers” this morning and it seems as if Trent Cole and Connor Barwell did a great job yesterday pressuring Titans’ quarterback Zach Mettenberg. Great job, fellas! Grade: A

ZWR: Oh my god shut up.

Doc Pizza: I would like to use this section to send a special shoutout to my friends at Fink’s Hoagies, who consistently deliver not just the best hoagies in Philly but the best sandwiches on the planet and I cannot wait until the Center City location at 8th and Walnut reopens so I can grab a delicious Torresdale Sammy with Extra Lean Roast Pork, Fresh Spinach Leaves, Sharp Provolone, Roasted Garlic, Long Hots, Onions, and Creamy Garlic Sauce. If you haven’t tried them, you gotta stop by! Tell em Doc sent ya! Call (267) 758-6415 to order! Grade: A

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Korean Wings
ZWR: OMG my neighbor’s mom brought us Bon Chon yesterday because we’re spoiled mama’s boys and it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. The hot ones are so hot you start doing the “this hurts my face!” dance immediately after you take a bite but you can’t stop eating them. Also I feel so disgusting this morning I may never eat again in fact I’m gonna run to the gym right now and do like 13 miles on the treadmill I hate myself. But it was all so worth it. Also also great job by the secondary the Steelers only scored three points. Grade: A+

The Evster: What are everyone's thoughts on the green-haired guy? Do we like him?

ZWR: Love him steal of the draft.

The Evster: I feel like he might be terrible. Grade: A+

ZWR: Your face is terrible.

Doc Pizza: I know we coulda had something like 37 interceptions yesterday or whatever but I think it’s safe to say B-Dawk is having blood transfusions with this entire secondary and infusing his essence into each and every one of them because he is a man of god and believes in sharing his heavenly powers with our family. Grade: A

Special Teams
ZWR: Caleb Sturgis should kick barefoot one game but not with his kicking foot. Like, just go out there with no shoe or sock on his plant foot that would be hilarious. Doesn’t even have to be the whole game, just maybe for an extra point or something. Just a thought. Grade: A++++++++++++

The Evster: Why would anyone in the history of football ever kick a field goal? Borrrrrriiiinnnngggggggg. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: We blocked a field goal and don’t have Cody Parkey. Could you imagine life being any better honestly I’m serious? Grade: A

ZWR: Dougie “Pleats” Pederson is straight killing it, yo. I can’t understate how wrong I was about this guy. I mean, I was SO wrong. So very wrong. Sorry, the Pleats. Jim Schwartz is also awesome, but that’s not as much of a surprise. Grade: I am an idiot

The Evster: While I truly appreciate the massively lopsided Andy Reid-esque pass-run ratio, until that rushing statistic has a massive ZERO underneath it, I will not be satisfied. Grade: F forever!

Doc Pizza: Please remember that I said Doug Pederson was going to be great from the very absolute beginning and never once—not even in my mind to myself—doubted that he would be the greatest coach in Eagles history and I can prove that by showing you my Tumblr page. Trust the process. Grade: A

1 comment:

  1. I'm pretty sure Carson Wentz has won 15 superbowls already. North Dakota has weird traditions.


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