Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Eagles Week Two Report Card


Another week another win another Wentzfest...

Quarterback
ZWR: I would trade every first round pick for the entirety of his career for Carson Wentz. The kid has IT. Our old friend Crane Kicker texted me after like the third offensive play “this kid as it” and I was all, “you are correct he sure does have it”. Can’t wait until he breaks his leg next week.

OMG also did you see that we got a “Crappy Quarterbacks Since…” montage during the game last night?! I was so excited to see that, though I don’t think Mike Vick’s crappy FWIW.

Grade: More excited than I’ve ever been in my life outside of being handed french fries.




The Evster: OH MY GOD I love french fries. Dude, we basically have Peyton Manning as our quarterback. Barking orders, changing plays at the line of scrimmage, giving people french fries. I know I shouldn't say it but I'm still gonna say it: Carson Wentz is the best quarterback this town has seen since Johnny Carson. Grade: A FOREVER

ZWR: “Kill Kill Kill!!!” is going to become an annoying joke like “Omaha!” isn’t it? No thank you.

Doc Pizza: Are you serious with this guy? I mean I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up here but I think Carson Wentz could be, in some way, related to Christ. Like very closely related. He could be Christ. The throws he is making even I couldn’t make. The touch he has on short, medium and long passes is something I have never seen from a quarterback before let alone an Eagles quarterback LET ALONE AGAIN a rookie quarterback. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/589930924197945345

Running Backs
ZWR: Is dude’s name really pronounced “When DELL” and not “WHENdell” (like in the popular Arrested Development song)? It’s no big deal or anything but that caught me off guard. Great games by Ryan Mathews and the ever-adorable Sprolesy. Grade: B+


The Evster: Ryan Mathews is dope and I can't get over how cute Darren Sproles's little feet are (I wanna stick ‘em in my mouth), but why the hell do we ever run the ball? Just drop back, cock that baby back and LAUNCH (to receivers who legitimately eat d***). Grade: I dunno, B?

Doc Pizza: We have, pound for pound, the strongest running backs not just in the NFL and not just in the history of the NFL but in the history of sport. Again, this is not hyperbole. These guys could squat the weight of Andy Reid’s Sunday breakfasts and not break a sweat. And even better, they can get to the edge faster than me when I see exactly one boob. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/497730048003440640

Receivers
ZWR : I told y’all! (And 1 mix tape megaphone guy voice): I TOLD Y’ALL!!!! Touchdown Trey Burton up in this piece, taking the baton from James Night Games James Casey and running a precise route into the end zone with it. I TOLD Y’ALL.

Nelly Snaggs (worst nickname ever) had a couple dropish-type plays on balls he had but then the defender knocked away and Jordan Matthews legit dropped a perfect touchdown pass because, well, it was a game. It’s about time to throw some moonballs and fades to DGB to allow him a chance to drop touchdowns and be like the rest of the wide receivers.

The Evster: Nelly Snags?

ZWR: You want him to put his feet in your mouth?

The Evster: No, our receivers are hot, wet garbage (and yes). Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Jordan Matthews and Nelson Agholor should not only not be in the NFL, but they shouldn’t, by law, be able to come within 1,000-feet of any kind of round or oblong object that could even be, in the most remote of circumstances, confused by anyone on this planet as a “football” or any other kind of ball. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/683785349076758528

Offensive Line
ZWR: Jason Kelce had one play where the nose tackle legit pushed him straight back in about two seconds like a blocking sled on a sheet of ice and it reminded me of Sven from Frozen and that reminded me of that game against the Lions (and the song For the First Time in Forever which is a legit banger) and that reminded me of DeSean and I’m just going to say it I wish he never left I love that little guy. Grade: B


The Evster: I didn't get a chance to order food last night that would've given me diabetes, so I had to scrounge in my friend Larbo’s cabinets. I ended up going with the Second Grade Special: half a peanut butter and jeezy on wheat bread, a thing of string cheese and an entire cardboard box of goldfish. Goldfish have gotta be the only item that comes in a 4-pound box (with a spout). I'm always hesitant to buy it because it's like $8.99, but there are few greater feelings than titling that baby back with two hands and drinking ‘em down. Isn't Lane Johnny supposed to be suspended? I'm taking steroids tomorrow. Grade: B? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ZWR: I like peanut butter and jellz on ghetto white bread that’s been sitting in the fridge for half a day that turns into a smushy mess that you just have to jam into your fat, pathetic face before it falls apart in your hands. Oh, and gimme Cheez Its over goldfish any day.

The Evster: Cracker rankings, LET’S GO.

EVSTER:
5. Ritz and/or Keebler Club/a giant stick of butter
4. Wheat Thins
3. G-fish
2. Cheez Its (white cheddz, but don't sleep on the Tabasco joints)
1. TRISCUITS

ZWR:
5. Toasted Sesame Water Crackers
4. Goldfish (Pretzel, Cheddar, Pizza)
3. Wheat Thins
2. Cheez Its
1. Toll House Club they taste like sticks of butter

Doc Pizza: Here are the Eagles linemen as crackers (not the word for white people but the food):
Jason Peters – Ritz Original – kind of outdated but whenever you see them you can’t help but love them and want to kiss their chest and muscles

Allen Barbre – Lance Toast Chee with Peanut Butter – A very odd, artificial looking color with some brown stuff in the middle that doesn’t taste like it’s supposed to really

Jason Kelce – Carr’s Table Water Crackers – How are these things bland tasteless things even still made your mom buys them only when she’s trying to be fancy but she pairs them with Cracker Barrel muenster, which is good, but definitely not fancy

Brandon Brooks – Saltines – I honestly don’t even know who this guy is I’m sorry

Lane Johnson – Blue Diamond Almond Nut Thins, Hint of Sea Salt – You get these thinking “Oh, OK cool there are almonds in these they gotta be healthy for you, right?” but then you end up eating like the whole box of em and realize almonds, thought good for you, have a hell of a lot of calories and you paired this box with a grilled cheese and you went overboard and hate yourself and are now suspended.

Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/527126731510255616

Defensive Line
ZWR: He’s taken crap for not being Earl Thomas for years now, but Brandon Graham is straight killing it now that he’s playing the position he was drafted to play. Some guy I didn’t even know was on the team had a strip sack. Fletcher Cox got quadruple teamed pretty much every play. It’s pretty amazing how bad Billy Davis was; Jim Schwartz knows wuzzup, yo. Grade: A-

The Evster: Maybe it's because I grew up in the Buddy Ryan era, or maybe it's because I'm way into snuff films, but nothing gets me going more than seeing a quarterback get his brain smashed. There have been times where I've yelled from my living room, “KILL THE WHITE MAN.” Playing against Jay Cutler is honestly too easy. What a BUM. Grade: B?

ZWR: I kind of respect how little Jay Cutler cares. He’s like “Oh, your family has had season tickets for 50 years and Bears games have been a sacred, steady bond for three generations? Well, I don’t care.”

Doc Pizza: That last section took a lot of time and energy and it’s already after 10 at work and I still haven’t even logged into my email gonna take this section off if you don’t mind. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/518890380541296640

Linebackers
ZWR: Nigel “So Rad and Bad My Last Name’s” Bradham with the back-breaking interception I see you player. Jordan Hicks with the fumble recovery because he’s LITERALLY ALWAYS AROUND THE BALL Hook ‘Em youngster. Mychae Kendricks I never know how to spell your first name keep battling. Grade: A



The Evster: Never heard of one of those players. Grade: I guess maybe a B?

Doc Pizza: Mitch Kendrick always running around like he lost a contact in a pool of pee and if he doesn’t find it within the next 2.5 seconds he will be forever known as pisseye, which isn’t that bad of a nickname, but people will forever remember that you’re named that because you lost your contact in a pool of urine and there are just so many better options out there than pisseye for a nickname. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/381437300841795584

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam
ZWR: Malky Jenks was like, “Okay I’m just going to blast the quarterback’s face open on the second play so people shut up about my silent protest” and did just that. Jalen Mills has green hair. Grade: A+++++++++++++++++

The Evster: That was one of the most disappointing pregame protests I've ever seen. Just basically three guys showing off their deodorant. Grade: F based on that one guy dropping an interceptsh. How do you drop an interceptsh?!

Doc Pizza: Now, I don’t wanna keep harping on these guys for not knowing how to catch a football week after week when, after all, the ball is admittedly strangely shaped and has little bumps on it that make it feel weird to the touch, but I don’t know how you can call yourself a player of the sport of football but have literally no ability whatsoever to catch the thing that your sport is named after. How that is possible I will simply never know. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/576185972632739840

ZWR: You two losers are hilarious. Dude was chasing after a guy who can run 40 yards in four seconds, pivoted, cut in front of that speed missile, and dove to attempt the catch. I guarantee Evster would drop half the passes thrown directly into his chest if we did an experiment in the parking lot right now. (Editor's Note: I added this after the Evster and Dr. Pizza submitted their final inputs so they did not have a chance to respond. YOLO.)

Special Teams
ZWR: The Nag made jambalaya last night for the game and it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Chicken, sausage, and skrimpz in that #LeCreuset jammer (got it at the outlet, don’t make that face). I went back for seconds and I don’t regret it at all. Gimme it all: jamby, paella, etouffe OM NOM NOM.

Eagles gave up a punt return touchdown can’t have that gotta maintain the lanes. Grade: C-

The Evster: At one point when Jon Grudes was slurpin and burpin, he said that Carson Wentz shows a “relentless pursuit of excellence,” an absolutely empty claim that means nothing outside of power point presentations. You wanna use phrases like that, Gru-dawg? Then make them actually mean something. Like “my next door neighbor’s dog Wendell is in a relentless pursuit to sniff every dog’s a**holes” Grade: D (Caleb! Ugh.)

ZWR: How do you pronounce that?

Doc Pizza: Missed an extra point attempt and gave up a punt return for a touchdown what in god’s name grade do you think I’m gonna give here why do we still have this section who even grades the special teams you either do your job and don’t let up a TD or miss an extra point or you do let up a touchdown (6 points) and/or miss an extra point and everyone should lose their jobs. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/518224009696378882

Coaching
ZWR: I need to formally apologize to Doug Pederson. I have pretty much always thought he was a nerd because he was a crappy player when I was a kid and now he dresses like a soccer dad. He’s a legit banger, though. Aggressive, smart, poised. The lesson here: I'm a moron. Dougie Pleats is killing it love the guy I’m sorry Doug. Grade: A++++

The Evster: Gotta hand it to Doug E. Snoozebottom, coming out with five wides to open the game was straight gangsta. But until he learns to throw the ball downfield on literally every play, he's getting an F forever. Grade: F forever (I literally just wrote that).

Doc Pizza: I’m not ready to say I’m on board with Doug yet because I want to see what kind of sideline hat he wears when it’s cold out (Editor's note: that's an amazing, hilarious comment and I'm jealous I didn't think of it first) but mark my words if he wears one of those fur hats with the ear flaps that has an Eagles logo on it I will pay for his car insurance for 8 years. Grade: https://twitter.com/tombrodude/status/528581556261384192



Rest in peace TomBroDude, and may your family and loved ones find peace in this time of sorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Z-dubs, great journalism here, but how are you not going to know the name of the rando with the strip sack? HIS NAME IS DESTINY. It's like, fate that you would know his name.

    Plus, not knowing player names is kinda Evster's thing, right?

    ReplyDelete

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