Monday, October 24, 2016

Eagles Week Seven Report Card


Quarterback
ZWR: Carson Wentz wasn't very good, but he also isn't Sam Bradford. Grade: A++++

NOT COOL ZWR LOLOLOL



The Evster: Maybe it’s because I watched by myself, but was yesterday's game really, really boring? I guess all the turnovers were cool, but I just don't care and haven't really cared about anything in over ten years. My wife thinks I'm depressed. Carson was fine. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: It’s hard to fully criticize Carson because 1) The Vikings have one of if not the best defenses in the entire league; 2) He wasn’t the worst QB in the game which, I mean, how much can you criticize a QB when he’s by far the best one on the field?; and 3) I love him so very much that I would never dare think a single negative thought about him. Grade: C+

Running Backs
ZWR: Okay I’m good with less Ryan Mathews. Grade: More Sprolesy and When dell? Smallwood please. Grade: B-

The Evster: I am currently sitting on a SEPTA trolley and I just looked over and saw a teenage kid using his phone as a mirror while he combed his hair and I don't think I want to live anymore. Also, for over 15 years my father has been calling Duce Staley Duce Stanley. Grade: D

ZWR: I was at a party at my buddy’s house to watch the Eagles/Redskins home game last year and his brother-in-law called E.J. Biggers “Ed Bigler”. I was like, “Did he just call him Ed Bigler?” and he made a play later in the game and dude yelled, “Oh man, was that Ed Bigler?” I died. Needless to say it was the greatest moment of my life.


Doc Pizza: There is precisely zero reason for Ryan Mathews to ever see not just an NFL field but ever see a football again. File a restraining order on behalf of a football so that Ryan never again comes within 100 yards of the oblong object. I’ve always been a proponent of giving the rock to guys who wanna get they booty ate by a girl. Grade: C

Receivers
ZWR: DGB literally got the bare minimum required for a play to be a touchdown and was like, “Nah it’s all good I’m in time to start my celebration”... I loved it! I mean, the receivers didn’t do much of anything but Minnesota’s defense is bonkers and it was windy and none of this really matters in the grand scheme of life. Grade: Whatevs.

The Evster: I live in Drexel Hill, PA (aka the armpit of America) and there is not one human-looking person on this trolley. Nelson Aghlor (not even looking up his name to see if I spelled it right) needs to be chained to a radiator. Grade: F

ZWR: wait what

Doc Pizza: Crazy to me that the Eagles have some of the best receivers in the NFL. Grade: F

Offensive Line
ZWR: Pretty sure that Brooks guy is dead and hoping Jason Peters is okay and I assume Vatai did well yesterday? Soooooooo, beats me. Offensive linemen are freaks I’m amazed they don’t break their legs every play. Grade: B

The Evster: Zoo does not pay me enough ($0.00 in over three years of writing for him) to analyze the offensive line (also never given me one free t-shirt). Grade: B (did once take me to a #Sixers game though.)

Doc Pizza: OK let’s not pile on Jason Kelce too much I mean the guy is throwing a football backwards between his legs, which can’t be that easy when you’re really really bad at doing just that. Pretty sure he didn’t have more than 2 holding calls today so that’s an improvement I guess! Grade: B

ZWR: If I paid you guys it would complicate things.

The Evster: I feel like it would be more erotic.

Doc Pizza: I’ve never gotten even a single gift out of this pisspoor relationship.

ZWR: I hate everyone.

Defensive Line
ZWR: Brandon Graham had 46 sacks yesterday. Connor Barwin had strip on Sammy Sleeves. Beau Allen was WEARING A PINK RIBBON IN HIS PONYTAIL and recovered a fumble in stride for a nice return. Destiny Vaeao is named Destiny. What a performance! Grade: A++++++

The Evster: One sign of depression is not wanting to do things that used to bring you joy. Like writing for a blog that has never once offered you a free t-shirt even though you have volunteered your services and toned down your voice and compromised your brand for the sake of the blog’s PG rating (which doesn't even matter these days because Awesome Emma is like 35). Grade: A

ZWR: Toned down your voice? Some would argue you’re most like your true self here. Introspection is nice sometimes. ALSO, I don’t even get free shirts from Spreadshirt. They’re total dweebs about that. I love you, but I’m not buying you a shirt you scumbag.

Doc Pizza: It’s usually by this point in the rankings that I realize how long it takes to do these things and how ridiculous it is that this blog used to push out consistently great content day after day and somehow despite this being the only piece of content it ever produces, still gets a shoutout on the NPR politics podcast, and it’s about at THIS point of writing this section that I realized it’s not at all funny and I wasted my time meandering on a stupid topic and Connor Barwin actually did something so that’s cool. Grade: A

ZWR: Good point, Doc! Shout out to my friends over at NPR- thanks for mentioning me on the air!

Click here to listen!

Linebackers
ZWR: The Vikings have matte helmets, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. On first glance I’m like, “Whoa, those are cool!” But then I’m like, “Hmmmm… the matte thing just feels a little too Thursday night college game.” I’m going to stew on this and get back to you later. Solid effort by Jordan Hicks. Grade: A-

The Evster: Just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I look fly as f*** and I think my depression might be over. Grade: A

ZWR: Crisis averted.

Doc Pizza: 85% chance you don’t look fly as f*** but look like you got f***ed by a fly please continue the depression. Linebackers looked fine. Grade: B+

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Lipton Cup O’ Soup
ZWR: Our corners aren’t bad or anything, but you can’t really gauge their performance yesterday because Sam Bradford only threw four yard passes to Kyle Rudolph or Matt Asiago all game long. Ed Bigler can even stop that. Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++.

The Evster: Malcolm Jenkins might be better than B-Dawk. Also, on his return touchdown that turned out to not be a touchdown I have never seen more players on one team escorting a teammate to the end zone for what ended up not being a touchdown. Grade: B

ZWR: 800 dudes in Dawkins jerseys are descending upon Drexel Hill as we speak.

The Evster: BRING IT, PEOPLE. I AM READY TO DIE.

ZWR: Have you ever stumbled into a Brian Dawkins RT spree? Hundreds of people in Philly tweet him pictures of themselves in jerseys and Wolverine claws and whatever like every couple days it’s bonkers.

The Evster: Have I ever stumbled into a Brian Dawkins RT spree? That has to be the stupidest thing that has ever been asked, or written, in the history of Western Civilization. BRIAN DAWKINS’S RT SPREES CAN SUCK MY CANADIAN C*CK.

ZWR: You literally just said that you want to chain Nelson Agholor to a radiator. Who the f*** has a radiator?

The Evster: Literally have like nine radiators in my home.

ZWR: Actually there’s a charm to classic homes I retract the implied sentiment.

The Evster: I live on a very quaint and charming block!

ZWR: Awesome!!!

Doc Pizza: I’m using this section to take down the new Dunkin free coffee policy. So you need to download the new app. OK fine. But then you need to add $2 just to get the new app or something? I know they give you a “free” coffee when you add that $2 but it’s making me essentially pay for a Dunkin coffee—which I had successfully never done before this season—just to have the opportunity to get the free Monday coffees. What happened to last year when you could just walk in the dingy disgusting place and pick up a free medium cup of the black sludge and walk right out. I think this is an attack on the homeless who can no longer go in and get their free cup of the darkness without having a smartphone. What truly homeless person has a smartphone? Dunkin’ Donuts: Hater of the Homeless. Grade: Dunkin sucks butt

Special Teams
ZWR: OMG the Vikings dorkbeak kicker (same dweeb who cost them a playoff game!!!) legit made no effort to tackle Josh Huff. And Huff didn't even make a move, he just ran straight at him and dude was like “Nope.” Grade: A+++

The Evster: If an NFL player were running full speed at me I would throw my shoe at him. Grade: A

ZWR: That’s more than Blair Walsh (oh my god that’s really his name!) did.

Doc Pizza: Oh crap I have a meeting in like 3 mins no more time to fill this stuff out great game from the special teams from what I can recall didn’t make a mistake if I remember correctly who cares I’m still jacked TF up over Penn State this game meant literally nothing to me. Grade: A



Coaching
ZWR: Dougie Pleats showed some aggressiveness yesterday, going for it on fourth down (got totally lucky) and trying a two point conversion after the first tuddie (he’s the pleatiest). Jim Schwartz dialed up some great looks against Sammy Sleeves and his defense saved the day. Grade: A++++

The Evster: Enough of these rinky-dink swing passes, throw the ball to goddamn Uranus. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: James Franklin forever babby! Grade: Haters please escort yourself into a garbage bin.

1 comment:

  1. I can't believe Ev is calling Drexel Hill the armpit of America, when surely he knows Secane is RIGHT THERE.

    ReplyDelete

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