Monday, October 17, 2016

Eagles Week Stink Report Card (SPOILER: F-)

ZWR: Carson Wentz was surrounded by people who stunk.

The Evster: Watched the game yesterday with my 78-year-old father and 81-year-old Uncle Ivan. I was the only one who was not wearing Velcro sneakers. Grade: A forever -- Carson Wentz: 1 for 1 moon balls which leads me to believe that he should throw more moon balls.

Doc Pizza: OK so full disclosure I was golfing like a white-bread-curved-brim-corn-cob-boat-shoe-wearing white boy for the first half of this game so I missed a majority of the really bad stuff on offense. So all that said, I thought Carson looked really good again and threw a sick bomber to JMatt (who actually caught it!) and some really nice passes in the 4th quarter but then Zach Ertz dropped an easy TD so I bent my lob wedge over my Cuisinart stand mixer. Grade: A

Running Backs
ZWR: They stunk. Grade: D

The Evster: You’d be amazed how powerful truck commercials are when you watch them on a TV whose volume is set at 63. You'd also be amazed at my Uncle Ivan’s ability to fall asleep during every single one of those commercials. Grade: B -- Ryan Just the One T in my Last Name Thank You Very Much seemed to run the ball pretty well? Who cares.

ZWR: Nobody. They lost.

Doc Pizza: Did veteran Ryan Mathews fumble the ball at the most critical point of a game by forgetting the most important rule of running the football, which is to hold the ball in your right hand when running right? No? He didn’t? Doesn’t matter he’ll never get a grade above an F again for the rest of the season from me I don’t know why I even wasted my time here. Grade: F

ZWR: They stunk. Grade: F

The Evster: Midway through the second quarter I was looking for a snack and my Uncle Ivan suggested ambrosia. Now, I know that seems incredibly cliche (and totally made up) that a senior citizen would offer me ambrosia, but it's the truth, Ruth (my mother’s name (and also incredibly cliche!)). Grade: F -- Nelson Agholor looks awesome!

Doc Pizza: Love how people pretend that ambrosia is a side dish at barbeques and not just coolwhip, marshmallows and “fruit.” Jordan Matthews caught a ball on Sunday so I feel obligated to congratulate him on the biggest accomplishment of his life! Perhaps we should throw him a party with little pointy hats, some balloons and goodie bags for everyone who comes to celebrate a $5 million wide receiver for catching a football! Grade: D

Offensive Line
ZWR: They stunk. Grade: F--

The Evster: My father does this thing these days where he screams “OH!” during pretty much every play. It’s horrible. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Wow shocker the rookie who came in whose name absolutely no one can pronounce sucked. Has there ever been a player in sports history whose name no one could pronounce but was actually good? Imagine if Brian Dawkins’ name was Bryfulgla Wasupaltigorupootigai. The dude would’ve gotten—rightfully—run outta the league in less than a week. If you wanna be good, get a name people can pronounce. Grade: F

ZWR: Geez, thanks Trump.

Defensive Line
ZWR: They stunk.Grade: D-

The Evster: Right before halftime, after the Eagles stopped the ‘Skins at the goal line, I tried to order a cheesesteak from Gaetano’s but it was very hard to hear the guy on the phone with the sound of a Ford-150 smashing through our living room. Plus, my Uncle Ivan was barking at me to order a mini and not a small because apparently Gaetano’s steaks are enormous and as I was trying to tell the guy at Gaetano’s my phone number (why do pizza places need your phone number?) my father (who has fallen four times in the past few months--breaking his hip and causing bleeding in his brain) started walking out the door (without his walker) and into oncoming traffic, so I had to run after him and make sure he didn’t die. Meanwhile, Fletcher Cox drew that stupid roughing the passer penalty and I had no idea that Matt Jones had scored a go-ahead touchdown until the start of the 3rd quarter. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Not only did Jim Schwartz forget who Kirk Cousins was before the game but apparently he forgot that Washington had a QB even playing in the game because the D-line seemed to have absolutely no idea that he was a player you should try to tackle. Instead, we thought it was better to have hugging matches with the offensive line and share with them our thoughts on the newly opened Target on Chestnut St. (For those who care my thoughts are it’s great!) Grade: F

ZWR: They stunk. Grade: F

The Evster: My mother and Aunt Maxine spent the day at the Columbus flea market in Columbus, New Jersey. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, but it is the most bonkers flea market of all time. Picture the most bonkers place you’ve ever been to, now multiply that by this shirt:

Grade: F -- Whatever happened to Mychal Kendricks dating Rihanna? Did she realize he sucks?

Doc Pizza: Have no idea if the Eagles even played with linebackers yesterday. Grade: F

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Boneless BBQ Ribs
ZWR: They stunk. Grade: Jalen Mills finger wag.

The Evster: That hawk/lion shirt is only 1/4,000,000th of the bonkers stuff that you can find at Columbus. I was there for probably ten minutes yesterday morning, and found these gems:

I bought both.

Most underrated item on this table is the “paint stick.”

Buy 17 rusty wrenches--get a free tetanus shot!

Found Ty Detmer, LJ Smith and Jerome McDougle jerseys and I’m not kidding. Grade: F

ZWR: Got a Larry Johnson Hornets jersey at a flea market in South Jersey when I was a kid don't remember where it was don't have the jersey anymore good story ZWR yeah I know it stunk, just like the Eagles yesterday.

Doc Pizza: Insane to me that we got a pick six on Sunday and I still think this entire secondary should be forced to join in on a 4-hour conference call at 9AM on a Monday to discuss how the success of last quarter’s marketing initiatives will impact our 2017 content strategy. Grade: C-

ZWR: No joke first thought after every loss is, "Welp, at least I get to work tomorrow fml."

Special Teams
ZWR: They didn’t stink too bad. Grade: B

The Evster: Here was the scene in Aunt Maxine and Uncle Ivan’s kitchen as the Eagles attempted to mount their thrilling fourth-quarter comeback:

Guitar was only $2!

Grade: F

Doc Pizza: I missed the return touchdown because I was on my 9th shot on the par-4 16th hole shooting out of the bunker over a small stream onto a green that slopes heavily in the front back into the water oh my god who cares this is what it’s like to listen to anyone discuss their stupidass fantasy football team for more than 10 seconds now can you imagine how bad that is? Grade: B

The Evster: I also missed the return touchdown because I was in my cousin Lee’s childhood bedroom snooping around.


ZWR: They stunk. Grade: F-

The Evster: Lack of moon balls is downright upsetting. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Please remember that I said Doug Pederson was going to suck from the very absolute beginning and never once—not even in my mind to myself—thought or said that he would be the greatest coach in Eagles history and I can prove that by showing you my Tumblr page. Do not trust the process. Grade: F

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