ZWR: Carson Wentz is a Porsche with bobo dork tires that your dad fixed so that it can't go over 40 MPH. Grade: A+
The Evster: Back when I was not 473 years old and used to play Madden, my friend Larbo would employ the “1 in 3” strategy -- where he would bomb the ball down the field on every play and only needed to complete “1 in 3” to be successful. He never was. He was terrible. Lost every game, but goddammit watching him launch balls to the moon was friggin’ exhilarating. Grade: A forever, but also F
ZWR: RIP Larbo the goat. My favorite play in Madden when I played with my friends was to throw it backwards six yards and punt.
Doc Pizza: Imagine for a second your only job in the world was to write emails (seems like it already is amirite LOL), but you didn’t click the send button. You had to do all the hard work to think about, write and edit the email and all your colleague had to do for you was click the send button. That’s it. Just click a button. One button and click it. But 8 times out of 10 your colleague accidentally clicks the delete button instead and erase the entire email. You write the lovely, detailed meeting recap email to the client and all your coworker needed to do was send it but instead they slammed the delete button so hard the mouse’s USB adapter fell out. Grade: B+
ZWR: The Eagles were finally initiating my plan of giving the ball to Sprolesy every play! It was working! They were up ten points in the fourth quarter and gave up on their crapsack receivers and were going to be tied for first place. Then Dougie Pleats decided to hand it off to a cold rookie because of course great idea. Grade: Why?
The Evster: Darren Sproles is so little I want to put him in my pocket and burn down Doug Pederson’s house. Grade: B
Doc Pizza: Wow another 4th Quarter fumble! The little Energizer Bunny™ Darren Sproles plays his stinkin heart out for 50 minutes and god forbid he needs to take a brief sip of water because whoever we put in for him will gently place the ball into the arms of a Cowboys player and kiss him on his cheek as he walks off the field. The point of the story is Darren should never think it’s OK to leave the field ever again under any circumstances. Grade: C
ZWR: I can't even. Grade: F------------
The Evster: I fell asleep during the third quarter and literally don’t care about anything. Grade: F forever
Doc Pizza: These f**king mother f**kers can’t f**king catch a simple f**king pass if their f**king life depended on it. I want that piece of s**t Nelson F**khalor to try for one f**king minute to think about what it sounds like when you say “Arghhhh I’m a big f**k face and I don’t give a s**t about dropping passes I’m a little baby boy who peeps in his pants and can’t do the only thing I’m paid to do blarghdfds.” Great game from Jordan Matthews who dropped only 2 f**king passes yesterday instead of his usual 20 billion. Congrats to DGB for having your only skill on be being born slightly tall. Grade: I want to murder a loved one
ZWR: We ordered Chinese food last night. Grade A+
The Evster: Sesame peanut noodles are by far the most underrated noodle. Grade: B?
ZWR: I love all the noodles, particularly anything spicy and involving peanut. Thai food legit banger jammers like Drunken Noodles and Pad Se Ew gimme all day. Also if you know of a Thai place that’ll let you get wide noodles instead of rice with curry please let me know that sounds amazing. Grade: A
Doc Pizza: Listening to Chris Collinsworth try to pronounce Vaitai’s name for approximately 40 minutes while I wanted to throw my body out my third story window was a good feeling! Grade: B
ZWR: There’s really no good spot in these report cards to discuss receivers, so I guess I’ll bring this up here: I want Paul “The Burner” Turner in the lineup. Is he still on the practice squad? Was he ever actually on the practice squad? Just ignore this if he’s on the Titans or something. But as I was saying, we’re running all dorkbeak safe routes like slants and three yard hitches that don’t require any sort of advanced athletic ability (which is the knock on The Burner) anyway. It’s an offense that’s literally happy to get five yards per pass. So if that’s the case at least have a dude who can, you know, catch out there? Again I apologize if he’s on a team there’s no way of looking this up.
The Evster: I miss the days when defensive linemen were allowed to hit quarterbacks in the brain. Also, for the record, I woke up for almost the entire fourth quarter, but still don’t care about you or your dumb face. Grade: F
Doc Pizza: *Connor Barwin still spinning* Grade: D
ZWR: Jordan Hicks is really good and Nigel “So Bad and Rad They Call Him” Bradham is alright but they need a dude who breaks faces in Kendricks’ place he literally rode on Ezekiel Elliott’s back for five yards one play last night. Grade: B+
The Evster: Seth Joyner replaced Brian Westbrook this year on Eagles Postgame Live and (as you would expect) he is f*cking fantastic. Last night, after Carson Wentz’s press conference in which he explained his dink and dunk passing game by taking what the defense gave him, Joyner said (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Football is a game of territory. You either take territory or the other team takes your territory. And at some point, you need to man up and forget about what the defense is giving you and take whatever you want.” Grade: F
Doc Pizza: Was Mychayaeyl Kendricks injured? Maybe he was doing the Andy Reid special of just lying on the ground for an entire game because I don’t think he made a single play the whole game. If he didn’t actually play then good. Grade: D
Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Halloween Candy
ZWR: Jalen Mills should not be allowed to have green hair. That should be a perk available to people who do cool things, not guys who totally space out and allow a punter to run past them for 40 yards and get beat on every ball thrown at them and who have the gall to celebrate when the quarterback throws a ball so badly that it hits him in the back of the leg as he chases a receiver that just dusted him. STOP WAGGING YOUR DAMN FINGER. Dye your hair. Grade: I am angry.
The Evster: I am literally the fattest f*ck you will ever meet. Grade: F
Doc Pizza: I GUESS NO ONE SHOULD BOTHER TO COVER THE TIGHT END AT THE MOST CRITICAL POINT OF THE GAME INSTEAD JUST DO A SECRET HANDSHAKE OR WHATEVER AND FALL DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD AS JASON WITTEN SCORES THE 50 MILLIONTH TOUCHDOWN OF HIS CAREER AGAINST THE EAGLES. Grade: F
ZWR: Caleb Sturgis is really, really good so we should probably intentionally run routes to take us out of field goal range and not attempt kicks that are shorter than ones we already made. Grade: My face may explode.
The Evster: Kicking is for fat f*cks. Grade: F
Doc Pizza: Good job. Grade: A
ZWR: Doug Pederson, on aggregate, has done a swell job this year. Doug Pederson is limited by a lack of talent on this roster that’s a direct result of Chip Kelly being wholly incapable of evaluating talent. That said, Doug Pederson- right now- is the dork who THREW THE BALL BACKWARDS SIX YARDS TO TAKE US OUT* OF FIELD GOAL RANGE WITH SEVEN MINUTES LEFT IN A GAME FOR FIRST PLACE. He also followed that up by not using a time-out with Dallas facing third and eleventy billion in their own territory with over thirty seconds left despite having a special teams group that has scored 12 touchdowns under Dave Fipp. Just an awful, awful, AWFUL game by The Pleats. Grade: F minus infinity.
Oh geez I just remembered that our only pass over twenty yards was thrown by Josh Huff. Revised Grade: F minus infinity squared.
* Not actually out of field goal range
The Evster: I feel like Kirby Puckett is pretty much everyone’s favorite person of all time. Grade: F
Doc Pizza: I’m sure Doug Pederson is a great husband and father. I’m sure he cares deeply about his family and does whatever he can for them, providing a shoulder to cry on, an uplifting joke or a listening ear when they need it. HOWEVER, I hope that his car breaks down on the middle of 95 and the only person who stops to help him out is the urologist from the Sixers game who only slows down to flip him the double birds and throw a tunafish sandwich at his disgusting head. Grade: Kill me