Monday, November 21, 2016

Eagles Week 11 Report Card

ZWR: Okay, it’s both. Carson Wentz’s receivers stink and cost him yards/scores AND he’s making some craptastic decisions. It is both. I still love him. He’s going to be very good. Let’s all be happy we’re burning the learning year this season rather than next. Watching Sam Bradford wouldn’t be more fun, and this is waaaaay more productive long term. Grade: B

The Evster: 0 for 2 on moon balls, but I appreciate the effort. Next week I’d like to see at least 12 more moon balls (in the first half) (and also our head coach get fired). Grade: A forever

Photo by: ZWR

Doc Pizza: Carson Wentz is like an only child whose parents both work and send him to a neighbor’s house after school but the neighbor is a middle-aged single lady who never had kids and the only toys she can offer him are a pen and some loose leaf paper and sometimes Carson makes it work and draws the cool S thing and sometimes the drawings stink but most of the time he can’t have any fun because there’s absolutely nothing fun in the house and the only snack is pretzels. Grade: C

Running Backs
ZWR: Pretty sure Sprolesy and Ryan “The Other T Is In All My Touchdowns” Mathews are both dead. RIP. Football is a brutal sport. Time for the When Dell? Smallwood era baby. All the booty holes fittin to get ate! Grade: A++++++++++++++++++++++

The Evster: Probably the least important position in my moon ball offense, but they did a fairly decent job considering everyone died. Grade: B

Doc Pizza: Pretty decent game from the RBs here considering they were the only ones who even tried to do anything. So I guess when you’re comparing something to nothing, something is always gonna look significantly better than nothing. Grade: B+

ZWR: Okay, I actually looked it up. Paul “The Burner” Turner is on the Eagles practice squad. He is not a Jaguars or a Titans. Since he’s rostered by an NFL franchise, and played Division I football in college, and was productive in the preseason I’m gonna go ahead and assume that: (a) he can catch a regulation football (b) he knows what the line of scrimmage is. It’s a start!!! Grade: Don’t anyone ever talk to me again I hate life

The Evster: I was all ready to complain about Nelson Aglohor aka the human dick bucket, but then I saw how sad he was after the game and now I want to hold him like he was my very own cheeseburger. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: There are honestly only so many times I can write the same section ripping out garbage-and-poop-eating wide receivers. There are only so many times I can call Nelson Agholor a waste of a human life not worthy of even drinking a cup of coffee from the grinds in the bottom of my trash can. There are only so many times I can say that Jordan Matthews is a lowlife sack of s**t who’s not even qualified to catch the hairs that fly off Mike Pence’s body as he trims his pubic region for his once annual sex endeavor with his spineless wife. Only so many times. Grade: F

ZWR: Someone's grumpy.

Offensive Line
ZWR: Made a banger soup last night: broth, broccoli, mushrooms, chicken, sesame oil, soy sauce, peanut (almond, aksully) butter, sriracha, garlic, ginger, noodles topped with a fried egg OM NOM NOM ate it by the fireplace I was so warm and cozy shame I was watching us lose 89-4 Grade: Warm

The Evster: How ‘bout all this swastika stuff going down these days? All hail chicken wings! Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Have nothing to say anymore. Grade: Nothing to say

Defensive Line
ZWR: This tweet made me laugh

Grade: Staring at the ceiling

The Evster: I played golf on Saturday because I’m a pretty spanish f***boi and as we made the turn to the back nine (golf term) I had to lay down on the fairway like Fletcher Cox to stretch out my back. Grade: Don’t care!

Doc Pizza: Can someone please give me a phone call when Fletcher Cox makes a play this season somehow I’m still waiting for the best defensive lineman in the game to do a single thing on a football field this year. Hope he has a Wells Fargo account and his direct deposits are getting funnelled into thousands of other accounts, causing him headaches as he tried to rectify the situation after hours on hold with the bank. Grade: C

ZWR: Don't worry they're going to deregulate Wall Street this is foolproof.

ZWR: Why does anyone even have linebackers anymore? Okay, that’s a bit extreme each team should have like two linebackers. The rest should just be dudes like Cam Chancellor who literally can break every rib with one tackle but also run really fast since everyone’s always in three and four receiver sets. How long is Kendricks’ contract? I’m not sure he’s vital to our endeavors. Grade: B-

The Evster: My mom is trying to sell her 2001 Volvo (only 40,000 miles on it, but it’s got like $4,000 worth of body damage because my father recently drove it into a mailbox). If anyone’s interested, hit me up on Twitter @Evsterrr. Thank you. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Sold my 2002 Volvo S40 to my sister this summer (first car for her) and she proceeded to get into an accident no less than 3 months into owning the car and totaled it. She now drives a Mercury SUV. Grade: F

ZWR: I don't have a Volvo. I want to get a Subaru Outback and move to Maine and exclusively wear plaid flannels and earflap hats.

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Pho
ZWR: Hear me out. What if someone made a chicken salad sandwich, but instead of using mayo they used a really ripe avocado? You know, mash up the 'cado until it was really smooth and creamy and use that? Some salt and pepper? That would be banger face, right? No cilantro or lime juice so it’s not guacamole chicken (I know you were thinking that). I might have to try this. We have leftover chicken and I grabbed avocados yesterday at the grocery store.

Corners were fine I guess whatever who cares. Grade: B

The Evster: I love avocados (and black men) in any and all forms. Grade: D

Doc Pizza: I watched this game at my parents' house and when Seattle when 75 yards on two passing plays sometime in the 3rd quarter I had to leave the room so I didn’t say something in front of my grandmother that would make her question her decision to have children 50 years ago. Grade: F

Special Teams
ZWR: Caley Sturg looked good and the coverage units were fine my biggest issue is none of these fine people play wide receiver. I bet that guy with the ponytail can catch a back shoulder fade. We are the only team in NFL history to never complete a back shoulder fade. Quarterbacks and receivers have been doing this for like a good five years now and we are wholly incapable. I mean, front shoulder and square in the middle of the chest passes are a problem for us, but gimme one #BSF2DGB!!!! Grade: A-

The Evster: At this point in my life if someone threw a football at me I would scream and run away. Grade: C

Doc Pizza: Who cares about special teams seriously I’m getting tired of saying this every week. As long as you don’t miss a field goal or have a punt blocked the day is fine. If you have one of those things happen I hope you never find happiness. Great game from Donnald Jones who averaged 30 touchbacks after signing a big contract this week way to earn it! Grade: F

ZWR: The other night I told the WAH that it was time to go up for bed and she said she couldn’t move because her leg hurt. She was fine all day and I was like “bro WTF are you talking about turn off the television and get up” and when she stood she was like a newborn giraffe and then started whimpering and trembling as if her entire body were bound to implode and I was like “okay cool let’s go to the doctor” and she just shot up and strutted up the stairs and was like “let’s brush our teeth!” Greg Lewis looked more frustrated with Nelson Agholor yesterday than I did that night. Grade: A++++

The Evster: From now on I will be calling Doug Pederson “Bob Boring Butt.” Grade: F forever

Doc Pizza: I don’t feel like ripping into Doug Pederson, a family man, this close to Thanksgiving so all I will say is this: I hope Doug’s Thanksgiving turkey is rotten and his stuffing is moldy and his green bean casserole is less than stellar. Way to keep supporting what amounts to essentially not just the worst wide receiver in NFL history but a guy who had a run-in with a Philly stripper because he couldn’t even pay for sex correctly. Grade: F

ZWR: Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!


  1. The Evster and Dave Zangaro look really similar, right?

    1. but does he have a mothereffing 19-incher

    2. Like one of those big-ass hoagies you get for a party?

  2. Evster, we need to talk about your moonballs. I know you're excited that we've got a QB who can throw them, but a moonball is no good if it just hits goes over the moon and then lands on the grass. And the Eagles only have one guy who can catch footballs (maybe two, assuming Paul, The Burner, Turner doesn't catch whatever has infected Algohar)(catch pun unintendend and not really a pun). And Brent Celek is really slow. So we can have maybe two moon ball plays to start: one to The Burner (Paul 'the burner' Turner, that is), and one where Brent sneaks onto the field and just lies there like Racist Riley Cooper, hiding in the grass, until Wentz launches it. If one of those works, we can talk about 12 a game.

    Also, when did Greg Lewis start looking like Uncle Drew only more homeless? And is there any question he would be, at minimum, the second best receiver on the team? Not like, GLew in his prime, right now.

    1. Hamiltwan straight brings it every week in the comments sectsh.

    2. Hells yeah I do! Unless I forget or I write a comment on my phone and it doesn't post and I just decide to eat some pie instead of whatever.


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