Monday, November 7, 2016

Eagles Week Nine Report Card

ZWR: Oh man, Carson, those two interceptions were brutal. Buuuut you battled back hard and put up a bunch of yards and got us into position to get some points. But srsly bro those interceptions… Grade: C+

AP Photo / Frank Franklin II

The Evster: I probably slept through 85% of the game, but I did stay awake long enough to see Carson Wentz complete a moon rocket to some guy I never heard of. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Hard to blame Carson Wentz for anything when he’s forced to make a perfect throw every time because his WR targets are bowls of rancid mayonnaise. Grade: C-

Running Backs
ZWR: Sprolesy is my favorite person on earth. I want to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner. Grade: Cranberry sauce

The Evster: I saw one running play where they gained like four yards and it was fine. Grade: C

Doc Pizza: Our only RB option is a 5-foot-4 robot who, while amazing, scares me every single time he’s on the field because all it takes is for Jason Peters to breathe on him heavily and he could break a leg. Congrats to Ryan Mathews for still using a visor it is very cool and hides the fact that our garbage coach still doesn’t trust you, at age 29, to not drop the ball at a critical moment I hope you never see the field again. Grade: B

ZWR: OH SNAP BRYCE TREGGS THE MAD ELF! I actually drank a glass of Mad Elf before the game and oh my goodness that stuff is strong. Back to Treggs- it's nice to have a receiver who can start a play in front of a defender and then run behind him. Good addition. Did it seem to anyone else like DGB had no interest in trying to catch footballs yesterday? Maybe I'm wrong (I probably definitely am), but it looked like he was just running routes at three quarters speed in practice with no balls being thrown. Ohwellz yolo. Grade: Gimme that Mad Elf and The Burner Turner combo stat!

The Evster: You’d be surprised, even by sleeping through roughly 93% of the game you still see plenty of Nelson Agholor. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: (DISCLAIMER: I am holding back here.) We all know Nelson Agholor is getting cut at the end of the season. His football career will essentially end and that’s the last we’ll ever see of his useless body. But to me, that’s not enough. I hope that after he gets cut, he goes home to see a family he thought loved him. But upon entering the front door, finds that his family has removed all photographic evidence of his existence, not just ripping him out of the photos but paying thousands of dollars to have him professionally edited out of all images and replaced with a bowl of fruit. As he heads to the kitchen to ask why he’s been removed, he is greeted with nothing but blank stares. It’s not that they no longer recognize him as a part of the family, they no longer recognize his existence, ignoring his very being. Distraught, Nelson leaves the home and is immediately attacked by a swarm of drone-like bees, which embed themselves in his skull through each orifice in his head, essentially turning him into a vegetable. Grade: F

Offensive Line
ZWR: I was going to drive a little bit to get a hoagie from Taylor Gourmet for the game but WAH 2.0 had an injury and we were at the emergency room (he’s fine!) most of the morning so then I just ran to a cheesesteak place that’s kind of alright by my house but they're closed on Sundays (wtf) so then I panicked and just got a stupid burrito bowl (technically a tostada) from Cafe Rio … needless to say they're banned. Thing stunk and we lost. Grade: F

The Evster: I guess I should explain myself. I went to a wedding down the shore this weekend and it was a whole thing. And I fully intended to watch the game, I really did, I even left the shore around 11:30 Sunday morning to zip right home, but I stopped at Slack’s Hoagie Shack on the way (Italian, oil and mayo) and made it to my couch by the start of the second quarter. Then, I ate half a hoag and fell asleep until the final drive of the game. So I guess I watched half a hoagie’s amount of the game (which was honestly enough). Grade: D

Doc Pizza: Pass protection seemed fine. Did we have a holding call? Don’t remember having one which is good. Big shout out again to idiot mouth breather Lane Johnson for not looking at the ingredients list. Grade: B

Defensive Line
ZWR: They all seem very nice. Grade: A

The Evster: I agree. Grade: A

Doc Pizza: Same. Grade: A

ZWR: I just re-watched the All 22 coaches film for a third time. Interesting thing that stood out: the Eagles only have two linebackers that play on actual defense. Jordan Hicks had a pick that could have either salted away the game or set up a game-winning field goal if we actually accepted points when they were presented to us earlier. Nigel “So Bad and Rad They Call Him” Bradham made some fine tackles. Grade: Who the frig cares?

The Evster: After the game, my wife (who is real) and I watched six straight hours of #90DayFiancé. It’s a fascinating (and infuriating) show where (often sad, pathetic) American people fall in love with foreign people over the internet, and then the foreigners are granted a 90-day fiancé visa to enter our country, provided they get married in the next 90 days. Of course, most of the foreign people just want to enter our country and get a greencard and I’m 94% sure the show is legit republican propaganda, but it’s still way better than watching Nigel Bradley try to tackle a guy’s shoe for three hours. Grade: F

ZWR: Sounds awful. The show, not the hanging out with your real wife part.

The Evster: Okay but you’re wrong and stupid.

Doc Pizza: Did I see that Mychachychael Kendricks only played three snaps in the game? If this is right, holy crap. If this is wrong, holy crap why did I think that was the case? In any event, these guys stink. Grade: C

ZWR: I guess Doug and Jim decided to … wait for it … AVOID 95!!!

Google Image Search -> Crossing Broad -> @danblah25

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Tostadas
ZWR: Stink. Grade: F-

The Evster: I listened to the first quarter on the radio (actually quite lovely) and Mike Quick said that two of the Eagles cornerbacks bumped into each other and fell over while trying to stop a touchdown pass?

ZWR: Yeah, they legit just ran into each other and let the Giants guy run behind them and catch the ball all alone then they did the whole “throw your hands up in the air in disbelief” thing. It was inspiring.

The Evster: That’s pretty cool, I guess. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for being the only team in NFL history to have members of the secondary have zero idea what’s going on, collide with each other and allow an easy touchdown for the third straight week. I hate this stupid team. Grade: F

ZWR: Still lead the league in windmills attached to the roof of the stadium.

Special Teams
ZWR: Sproles return good. Blocked field goal bad. Not kicking field goals stupid. I’m so miserable when they lose. Grade: At least it’s Monday

The Evster: I have a massive problem with people saying things like, “Ugh, it’s Monday.” Like, shut up. Okay, fine, it’s Monday, we get it, work sucks, school sucks, everything sucks, but who gives a shit just log online and find yourself a Ukrainian fiancé. Grade: F

ZWR: I have a massive problem with people who say things like “I slept through X% of the game it was so rad!” like cool congrats you’re basically like an infant did you also poop yourself? Go screw you’re fired.


ZWR: Can’t technically fire you since you don’t get paid #OWNED

Doc Pizza: Wow this Dave Fipppp guy is really good isn’t he I mean the guy has revolutionized the special teams aspect of the Ea*GETS A CHIPSHOT FIELD GOAL BLOCKED BY A GUY WITH 2 FINGERS* Grade: F

ZWR: I’m not even saying anything because I’m just going to be irrationally mad and stupid see you guys next week.

The Evster: The lead story in the Inquirer today was written by a guy named Tom Hamburger. Grade: A forever

ZWR: OMG greatest moment of my life.

Doc Pizza: Doug Pederson is the person from the Dominos commercials that demands the family order salad instead of pizza. I get that Dominos is trying to make a joke here like haha people want to be healthy and order a salad instead of pizza but these people should have they asses locked up in jail. Grade: F


  1. What the heck does Doc Pizza think a vegetable is? Why would a person's head orifices being filled with bees make them a vegetable? Does he think vegetable means bee hive?

  2. Also note: when the day comes that you fire Evster (or he falls asleep for a hundred years like Rip Van Winkle), I'm available. I watched the whole game even though I hurt my back in the morning and had to lie on the ground while WRs dropped passes like they thought the ball had a hornet sitting on it.

  3. Less great: lead story in the Inquirer was written by The Washington Post.

  4. Taylor Gourmet though...


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