Monday, November 14, 2016

Eagles Week Ten Report Card

ZWR: Pretty sure Carson Wentz hasn’t thrown a touchdown in like three weeks and yet I haven’t been as confident with a QB under center since peak McNabb. Grade: Learning Year A+++++++++++++

The Evster: Hey Carson, if you love audible’ing so much, how ‘bout you tell that goddamn adorable golden retriever of yours to line him up way outside and to run his adorable golden retriever legs down the field and then take a football and throw it as far as you can and see if he catches it in his adorable, disgusting, warm, wet mouth? Boom, Super Bowl, it’s honestly not that hard. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Starting to think Carson isn’t really that smart of a guy. I mean multiple times this year he has run out of bounds for a loss rather than throwing it away. And then yesterday with 5 seconds left, he rolls out and tosses the ball at the ground on 4th down, giving Atlanta another shot at doing something rather than just running out the clock and sliding on the ground. There’s a chance folks in middle America aren’t intelligent and it could lead to some bad things happening! Anyway who cares just win babby! Grade: C

Running Backs
ZWR: Plural! Running backs, plural. When Dell? Smallwood was a legit banger. Ryan “One T, Eleventy TDs” Mathews killed fools. Sprolesy is literally the most adorable human being on earth and I’m waiting on his reply to my Thanksgiving dinner invitation. Kenjawn wasn’t going to be left out and even ran a kick back past midfield yes please four-headed monster Thunder and Lightning and Hail and Flurries!!! Grade: A+++++++++++

The Evster: Ryan Mathews does not seem to have any speed, moves or legitimate reason to spell his last name with only one “t” and yet he still completely dominated this football game (as far as I could tell, I fell asleep three separate times in the first half and it was glorious). Grade: A

ZWR: I went to bed at nine o’clock last night it was amazing. Here’s some advice to grown-ups with children: never rent a UFC fight. They start at like 11:15 and end pretty much right when your kids are waking up.

Doc Pizza: Very loved what I saw out of the run game yesterday except when we decided that it was a good idea to run laterally, which one of the stupidest individuals on the planet—John Lynch—even said was a bad idea. I mean John Lynch said he didn’t understand why the Eagles would go for 2 up by 4 points late in the game. He said “I do not understand the decision to go for 2 here.” John, my guy, you would probably be more successful trying to sell cheeseburgers at Sweetgreen (#spon) than saying even a single word in the booth. Grade: A

ZWR: Singular. Wide receiver, singular. Jordan Matthews is the only wide receiver who can either catch or know the plays. DGB is tall and graceful, but so is a giraffe. I’d love to have a giraffe blocking on a bubble screen. Don’t even get me started on Agholor. Paul “The Burner” Turner and the city of Philadelphia should enter into a class action lawsuit against the Philadelphia Eagles franchise. He’s not explosive? He has great hands but isn’t dynamic?! BRO ALL YOU RUN ARE HITCHES, SLANTS, AND BUBBLE SCREENS. Your playbook is full of routes designed to get four yards quickly so long as your receivers can, you know, catch the football! Eff this noise, Dougie Pleats, gimme the Mad Elf and The Burner right friggin now. Grade: C+

(Editor’s Note: I have no idea if Paul Turner is even on our practice squad ignore that rant if the Jaguars signed him in September or something)

Tight ends looked good way to go boys.

The Evster: Imagine being with your kids at a playground in Dorville, Alabama, circa 1984 and seeing one kid who was strong and fast and climbing the monkey bars and running up the slides and being like, “Yo what's that kid’s name?” and his parents being like, “Oh that's Julio Jones,” and you being like, “Strong kid, strong name.” And then over in the sandbox is a kid trying to jam his foot inside his own asshole and you being like, “Who's that?” … “Reince Priebus.” Grade: F forever

ZWR: Imagine playing pick-up two hand touch and dude takes Julio Jones first and then you get Jewish Evan or Sweatpants Nicky with the second pick.

The Evster: And then Jewish Evan smokes your a** because he's a deceivingly good athlete and sexual assassin.

ZWR: LOL love you baby. You’re sticking Julio.

The Evster: That's fine I have to leave for Hebrew school in like ten minutes anyway.

Doc Pizza: I’ve met like 4 Jewish people in my life and I love them all except for Evan, who is as disgusting as you would expect him to be. Anyway about our receivers, I really don’t want to get myself upset again after the sh**show that was this week in America, but let me just say that I wouldn’t trust Jordan Matthews and Nelson Agholor to catch the rotten turds that fall from Donald Trump’s blotchy a**. Grade: F

Offensive Line
ZWR: Can’t talk right now, writing a buddy cop action comedy starring Jason Peters and Darren Sproles. Grade: LOL

The Evster: Had a late breakfast on Sunday (cinnamon raisin bagel with whitefish salad) so I wasn't that hungry during the game, but that didn't stop me from eating an entire bowl (yes, bowl) of White Cheddar Cheez Its (with a spoon). Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Seriously why do we even grade the offensive line you either have a good day or a bad day there’s only an A or an F there is no in between. That being said, I think the line played decently but nothing really worth writing home about. Grade: B

Defensive Line
ZWR: We had friends visit this weekend, and I grilled out on Saturday. Burgers and steaks and chicken and hot doggers and tater tots and grilled veggies I couldn’t move. Then we ate that giant brie wheel topped with fruit and nuts and jam with the snob mini toasts from Wegmans for UFC (because nothing screams cage fighting food like brie) and I legit just fainted on my couch while one guy kneed another so hard that is head literally broke in half.

Good job by the defensive ends of getting edge pressure. Grade: A+

The Evster: Despite the fact that I am a (former) world famous (local) celebrity/television personality, I still watch football like a six-year-old, focusing solely on the quarterback and the ball the entire play. However, at one point yesterday I watched Brandon Graham shed a would-be blocker and tackle the running back for a 2-yard loss in the backfield. I'm not quite sure why I'm mentioning this right now, but sometimes I feel like it's important to remind you people that I'm better than you. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Fletcher Cox do anything? Don’t know. Grade: B+

ZWR: Jordan Hicks injured his own player. Grade: A+

The Evster: I think I was asleep for that part, but it sounds pretty cool. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Went to the Shoprite on Oregon Ave. yesterday, left around 11:40. Long story here but I was having a debate with my gf about when we’d go to the store. She hates going food shopping but I actually kind of enjoy it and said I’d be more than happy to go after the Birds game but would, understandably, not be going during the 1pm-4:30pm time slot. She was mad at me because I wasn’t willing to go at the time she wanted and she said she always goes food shopping and I never do anything. Well you want to know what I did? I left at 11:30 to go to the Shoprite by myself. She was--not lying here--on the verge of tears because she was so happy I was willing to go to the store so she didn’t have to and go before it got too late in the evening. Safe to say the bar for me as a bf is incredibly low. Ended up picking up a few items not on the list, including a 12er of Barq’s Root Beer (the goat), some strawberry jam, waffles, BLT supplies and chicken casserole supplies. Got back from the store at 1:30, didn’t miss much. Made the casserole after the game. Fell asleep on the couch. Grade: A+ Boyfriend

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Cool Ranch Doritos
ZWR: Malcolm Jenkins is amazing. Pretty sure he’s a coach on the field, a mentor in the locker room, our best safety, and possibly our best corner. If Caleb Sturgis ever gets hurt in the middle of a game don’t be surprised if my guy trots out there and blasts a 42 yarder into the wind. Grade: A+++++++++++++++

The Evster: Look, I’m happy that that #21 fella caught the game-clinching interception, and that was probably really nice for him and I like when people are happy, but my oh my did he get SMOKED on that 80-yard tuddy and he also dropped a pick and why haven’t they retired Eric Allen’s #21 jersey in the first place that’s just downright upsetting. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: Every single game I see Malcolm Jenkins’ arm brand/tattoo/scar thing and think how long it would take me to stop crying if I were to undergo that procedure to have that done my guess is about 18 months. Grade: B

Special Teams
ZWR: Grade: A. “But Zoo, they missed two field goals what the fudge?” Hear me out, bro. Kenjawn’s return was huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge. Caley Sturg gets a pass for the 98 yarder, and his clutch jammer to put them up 9 was so big that it wipes out the earlier miss. Coverage units were solid. And they have a guy with a ponytail.

The Evster: Watching the Falcons’ kicker have to punt was downright exhilarating. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Any time a kicker misses an extra point I wonder what guys like Jason Peters and Brandon Graham and Darren Sproles think of them. Like, those guys are getting murdered essentially every down and this piece of crap white boy with a beard--who gets personal foul protection if someone just lightly grazes his leg--just needs to kick a ball far and can’t even do it. Good returns today. Grade: B

ZWR: Dougie Pleats’ play calls can sure be annoying, but he’s working with a center who can’t drive people and has one NFL wide receiver on his roster with a rookie QB. Every Monday I’m more forgiving than I was on Sunday while watching. Except after the Dallas game because that loss is totally his fault literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. Grade: B

Now get Paul “The Burner” Turner out there and let’s start cooking with fire baby!

The Evster: After doing these report cards for the past, oh, four or five years or so, I can't even remember why certain guys have earned an A forever. I know Wentzy got one because he's the best quarterback this team has ever seen, Shady has one because he once juked a guy’s ACL joint off of his body, I think Jason Peters got one last year for doing something incredible and I'm pretty sure Donnie Jones got one at some point for kicking a ball to the moon, but Doug Pederson, boring ass, visor-wearing, sideburns-having, swing-pass-calling, refusal-to-let-your-laser-armed-QB even ATTEMPT to throw the ball through the goddamn ozone layer has earned a big, fat, fuccboi F forever. Grade: F forever (also #fireBrettBrown)

Doc Pizza: Doug Pederson is worse than you imagined he would ever be at coaching. Like we were all pissed at the hire in the first place, then we rationalized it and said, “hey, maybe he won’t be the human underwear skid mark he probably will be let’s give him a chance,” and then he ends up being a full sized crap that’s been rummaging around in someone’s boxer briefs for more than 3 hours just destroying everything in its path. Feeling good about our future for the next few years! Grade: F

ZWR: Geez.


  1. Did you know a giraffe can literally decapitate a lion with a kick? Lion is about to get his grub on and BOOM, he needs a pumpkin cause his head is gone and do they even have pumpkins in Africa? DGB doesn't even know the playbook, much less where pumpkins grow or how to kick the king of the beasts.

    JPete prolly got his A forever cause he sometimes sneaks into the end zone and catches an RB doing the Priest Holmes Superman dive over the top. Plus if a dude hits his QB late he retaialiates in the field, and sometimes cuts the breaks in that guy's car. I bet Jason Peters could kick the head off at least a puma.

    1. Geezum Crow, I know it is spelled brakes and now I look like a bigger doofus than Juan Castillo suddenly trying to coordinate a defense.


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