Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Eagles Week 14 Report Card (w/ Lots of Christmas Cookie Talk)


Editor's Note: Posting this week's report card on Tuesday because all three of us had to be adults yesterday BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Quarterback
ZWR: Okay, Carson Wentz is awesome again. WHEW! Thank goodness. Homeboy looked smooth back there yesterday. If his offensive line knew how to block or his receivers could drag their feet like any kid playing two hand touch in the playground knows to do we may just have won but frankly Wentz looking good is more important than winning a game that doesn’t matter since we’re too crappy to make the playoffs AGAIN so whatevs. Grade: A+++++++++++



Doc Pizza: I truly love everything about this team! They’re just so much fun to watch! I love the fact that I can’t really express my true emotions on a QB because he’s a rookie but seeing him throw that horrid INT in the redzone and fumble that ball to end the game brought me nothing but positive feelings! Grade: D

ZWR: Oh you mean the fumble where the RT didn’t block his man and Wentz got demolished immediately without warning by a guy he didn’t see? Go screw.

The Evster: Our quarterback seems fine, whatever. Grade: A forever

Running Backs
ZWR: Man, I hope Sprolesy is alive. I was happy to see everyone defend him and kind of was rooting for a bench clearing brawl with like nine dudes attacking the special teams scrub loser that cheap-shotted him. That would have been hilarious. Grade: Flyers / Canucks



Doc Pizza: Didn’t even notice if we played with running backs yesterday I was eating taquitos. Grade: Chicken taquitos (off brand)

The Evster: Ryan Mathews had a couple nice runs. Grade: B

Receivers
ZWR: No, it’s cool, the Eagles, why don’t you just steal my Paul “The Burner” Turner nickname. While you’re at it, put the fire emojicons in there too. All good. Nice. Great. Grade: Not mad at all.


Doc Pizza: Wow an entire game without a drop that caused me to flip my literal s***! Congrats! Though I would love to point out that Jordan Matthews didn’t for even a half second try to get that second foot down in the endzone like every single person near a sideline practices the toe drag and this guy just slams his f****** left foot out of bounds like he’s squishing a roach. Someday Jordan will actually try at football. Grade: D

The Evster: I think it’s weird that you guys didn’t talk about DeSean Jackson here. You guys get an F, Desean gets an A (forever). Grade: A forever

ZWR: It’s down below you moron. Readers: stay tuned!

Offensive Line
ZWR: Remember when this team thought it was a good idea to not draft an offensive lineman for three straight years and assumed that wouldn’t impact depth at the position? Market efficiencies baby. Love it! Grade: Who cares

Doc Pizza: Good on this team to be so thin at the offensive line position that crack cocaine user Lane Johnson and one other guy going out leaves us with a wet paper bag as out right guard or whatever but the good thing is Jason Kelce has a good beard. Grade: F

The Evster: Had a PB&J with Herr’s Sour Cream & Onnies yesterday. Both of those get a … Grade: A forevvies



Defensive Line
ZWR: I Googled it (if you don’t know what Google is Lycos it): Vinny Curry signed a $47M (FORTY SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS) contract and has 1.5 sacks so far this season. That’s the Howie Roseman that I know and love baby.

Doc Pizza: We got to the QB once! Grade: A++++

The Evster: I have definitely heard of Vinny Curry. Grade: A forever for me, V for Vinny

Linebackers
ZWR: Jordan Hicks in sooooooooo good Hook Em! Nigel “So Bad and Rad They Call Him” Bradham plays a lot. Mychal Kendricks is apparently our fourth string snapper. Can’t argue with that, can you? I made snowball cookies (those round jawns with the pecans covered in powdered sugar) yesterday morning OMG those things are the greatest I can eat like eleventy nine of them in one sitting God I love Christmas. Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++

Doc Pizza: Pecan things are fine. Would never in a million years call them the greatest. Great game from Mychal Kendricks who I noticed maybe once. Grade: F

ZWR: Dude you’re such a misery chick.


The Evster: Bought a shirt with a donut on it this weekend. Grade: A 4 eva

Secondary
ZWR: Welp, Leody McKelvers took one to the house which was awesome but will probably only embolden him to stare at QBs while receivers run straight past him for 80 yard moonball bombers. SPEAKING OF, how great was it to see DeSean catch one of those (omg shut up I know it was against us stop taking everything so seriously) and trot backwards taunting the defense for the last twenty yards? We had DeSean and LeSean at peak awesomeness/obnoxiousness and traded it away for Dorkbeak City, USA: Home of the most boring and awful offense in football.

I think I’m going to make lemon bars next. I love them, too, but nobody else in the house does so this can be a tricky situation if your boy is going to keep the old diet in check (omg shut up it’s Christmas just eat the whole pan on Friday night you know you want to). Grade: COOKIES

Doc Pizza: Now lemon bars are legit. My personal fav are this weird maraschino cookie my mom makes that’s dipped in chocolate it’s next level. Imagine caring about the Eagles. Grade; FFFF

The Evster: I like that maraschino cookie that Doc’s mom makes too. Grade: A++++++ forever

ZWR: No, seriously, I invented Paul "The Burner" (with the fire emojicons when I tweet on my phone) Turner. Look!!! Maybe I'll put conspicuous stupid windmills on top of my bolg while not winning any frigging Super Bowls ever and pretend I came up with that idea.


Special Teams
ZWR: After lemon bars I still have to do thumb prints, sugar cookies, and the peanut butter jammers with the Hershey’s Kisses in them.

Doc Pizza: Not a fan of the peanut butter cookies tastes like just brown to me. Sugar cookies legit. Butter cookies legit. Gingerbread legit. Dave Fipp looks like his wife just walked in on him J-ing O. Grade: B

The Evster: Don’t sleep on Snickerdoods. Grade: Doodage

ZWR: You ever have the thing where you bake a Rolo on top of a square pretzel bite? O-M-G.

Coaching
ZWR: Interested to hear Dr. Pizza’s take.

Doc Pizza: F********KKKKKK YOU DOUG PEDERSON YOU THINNING HAIR A** MOTHER F***** HOPE YOUR WIFE CHEATS ON YOU WITH YOUR F****** BROTHER. Grade: F

The Evster: Jeff Fisher’s available. Grade: F as in f***, baby

1 comment:

  1. Week in which Evster stopped even pretending he watches Eagles games: 14.

    I think the most important reason to get some O-line depth is that Jason Peters admitted he was gonna go HAM on that cheap shot dude, but then Mychaeal Kendryyyks would have had to play LT.
    "I was going to get him, but we don’t have a backup left tackle right now. I just couldn’t get thrown out of the game. I started thinking there was no one to back me up."
    And apparently DJaxx talked him into not ripping the dudes arm off and beating him to death with it, so he's probably coming back next year.

    ReplyDelete

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