Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Eagles Week 15 Report Card ... Like Eleventy Days Later (YOLO)

ZWR: The Giants are wearing Starter jackets tomorrow night. And their old helmet logos. The Eagles, once again, are in their dorkbeak loserface 1993 ESPN 2 Extreme arena football all-black dweeb uniforms. Awesome. Thanks. We stink and we look like nerds. Grade: Everyone wants kelly green but Jeff Lurie doesn't care because he thinks he's the only history this team has but at least we have windmills (too much???)

The Evster: Didn't watch. Don't care. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: I’ll have to admit I missed a large portion of this game as well spending time with my loving family and doing some shopping at the Deptford Mall so I’m going to use this report card to talk about some other stuff that no one’s really interested in but ZWR gave me this platform so I’m gonna use it anyway might as well make the most of it!! Grade: Quarterback

ZWR: They're going to tell you that the Eagles can't wear kelly green because the NFL has a one helmet rule and the uniforms couldn't work with their new color. Well yeah that's the whole point nobody wants your stupid THUNDERTEAL anyway that's literally the point oh my god I'm so mad I have to stop.

Running Backs
ZWR: Ryan Mathews was bonking dudes and literally dove like 9 feet over a pile of 300 pound humans that was pretty impressive. Grade: He flew.

The Evster: Ryan Mathews is so boring but so effective. He's like baked ziti. Except he's a person and baked ziti is a food. For the record I do not get paid for my contributions to this website. Grade: B-

Doc Pizza: OK let’s get it out of the way Eagles Tuesday Ticket Gate!! So if you missed it because you’ve been off Twitter for longer than 4 mins like a friggin psycho, the Eagles have hosted a social media ticket giveaway contest and the same dude has won it 13 times in the past 3 seasons. So I thought, obviously this guy knows someone in the organization and is for some reason feeding him free tickets through this “contest” instead of just giving him the tickets like a normal human. But now after talking to him online I think he’s real and the Eagles just have no idea how to run a contest this team sucks this whole organization is garbage would rather watch the Browns!!! Grade: Running Back

ZWR: Jordan Matthews had 6 catches for 27 yards. That’s legit bonkers. And he’s our best wide receiver! Nelson Agholor cannot catch, and DGB can’t catch the ball over a 5’9” cornerback. To be honest, I’m not sure DGB knows how to jump. I know people lost their minds and overreacted to Paul “The Burner” Turner this summer and that he has a low ceiling, but I can’t stress enough that HE CAN ACTUALLY CATCH A FOOTBALL. Grade: F-

The Evster: I went to the Flyers game on Monday night and sat in a suite and now I don't ever think I can sit with the common folk again. The free food and beer and oatmeal raisin cookies were cool, but the real perk is the leg room. That's what you pay for. Well, I don't pay for it but someone does. Thank you, someone. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Someone asked me to do work today at 4 p.m. the day before the day before I leave for the holiday it’s like buddy I’m not working on writing a media statement for you 6 days from Christmas like seriously! Grade: Not writing media statement

ZWR: Is that a metaphor? Like, that loser was Carson Wentz and the assignment was a football and you were Nelson Agholor?

Offensive Line
ZWR: Jason Peters is my favorite, I hope he never retires. He can give us one more season, right? I mean, just don’t make him do training camp or play in preseason games or practice. You have him at LT, Barbre at LT, Ike Semolina at C, Brooks at RG, and Lane Johnson at RT next year that’s a pretty solid line sign me up. Grade: Sign me up


The Evster: Some guy I work with recently told me that he grew up down the street from nine-time pro bowl offensive guard, Mike Munchak. That's what he actually said. “Nine-time pro bowl offensive guard.” Apparently he's from Scranton. No idea why I'm sharing this. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Mike Munchak went to Penn State, which had the coolest season ever in college football this year. If you watched the team at all or if you enjoy fun that offense literally had the coolest RB in the world (Saquan Barkley) and a QB with a tiny arm but who threw no less (not lying) than 5 bombs per game it was the most exhilarating 13 weeks of football I’ve ever seen. The Eagles have thrown beyond the line of scrimmage 4x this season. Grade: Line of scrim

Defensive Line
ZWR: My neighbor and I bottled egg nog a few months back and cracked one open Sunday morning because drinking in the morning is fun and it makes children more tolerable. The ingredients are basically some egg yolks, some cream, and eleventy gallons of bourbon, rum, and brandy. It was delicious. I love Christmas. Grade: Fresh nutmeg

The Evster: As the only jew on this panel, I must tell you that Christmas is fine, whatever, lights, cookies, being nice to other people blah blah blah, but people who LOVE Christmas (like Zoo) are on the same autistic level as Bruce Springsteen fans and Penn State fans and anyone else who walks around all day with a 45-foot boner for all to see. We get it, your Jewish carpenter of a God was nailed to a cross. Get over it. Grade: B+

ZWR: For the record I love the entire Autumn/Holiday season, not just Christmas. Pumpkin patches, apple orchards, Halloween candy, Thanksgiving dinner ... all of it. Jam that up your jew butt.

Doc Pizza: A guy who calls himself the evster -- shockingly -- didn’t go to college with a real name or get a formal education of any kind so you can forgive him for his jealousy and hate of other legitimate schools because he had to lick the undercarriage of Kobe Bryant as a highschooler. Grade: Licking Parts

ZWR: Big thanks to Dr. Pizza for including me in the #1HockeyBoy voting last week! That was fun. I love hockey. Sure hope the Flyers keep up this great play. Here’s a picture of a Flyers Chalk Line jacket. Grade: Pelle Eklund

The Evster: I wish people still hated Eric Lindros. No I don't. I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry. Grade: B forever

Doc Pizza: Love you Zoo happy to have you part of the panel! Flyers playing well lately but as you could predict they would follow up a 10-game winning streak with approx. a 13 game losing streak with 14 shootout losses when’s Couturier coming back for god’s sake been out since Aug. Grade: Hakstol’s got some beady eyes!

ZWR: They stink, but didn’t stink too hard yesterday. Grade: C

The Evster: Anybody see the new Star Wars? I loved it. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: Stopped by Christmas Village in City Hall this afternoon to get an ornament -- the same one! -- for my parents and my gf’s parents isn’t that adorable hahaja they were like $12 each for a friggin ornament a bit of a ripoff! Grade: None

Special Teams
ZWR: In addition to egg nog, we also had some Mad Elf. I mean, we brought it. Grade: A

The Evster: My go-to item to bring somewhere (party, tailgate, hang out of any sort) are those miniature Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. Thank you. Grade: A forever

Doc Pizza: The GOAT egg nog is Wawa egg nog, perfect combination of creamy, spice, and f***load of calories seriously tho there’s 180 in a half cup you take one swig and you gotta jump on the elliptical for 3 hours Brian Hickey style to burn that s*** off! Grade: Still great tho

ZWR: Also the GOAT, these (which my mom buys at Wawa because she can't bake to save her life):

ZWR: Dougie Pleats is a total dork, but he has no weapons. So I guess we have to give him a chance to prove he doesn’t stink once he’s coaching a team with actual NFL skill position players? Or not? Who knows, but I’m tired of stinking. We stink, again. Grade: Stink

The Evster: I heard he went for the win on Sunday? Going for two? I like that. He'd make a great middle school coach. Grade: F

Doc Pizza: I’ve ripped into Douggy P pretty hard this past season but since we’re so close to Christmas all I’ll say is DOUD YOU F****** GREASEBALL INGROWN TOE LOOKIN PIECE OF S*** DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THROWING THE F****** FOOTBALL MORE THAN 3 YARDS DOWN FIELD AND I DON’T KNOW MAYBE PLAYING YOUR WORST F***** PLAYER LESS THAN 99% OF THE SNAPS YOU WHITE BREAD BROWN RICE BUSCH LIGHT MOTHER F***. Grade: Love the decision to go for 2 tho


  1. Doc Pizza is 100000% about the greatness of Wawa eggnog. It's the best.

  2. Really gotta applaud Zoo for mentioning football a little bit in this one. Why does the NFL care about only having one helmet (which obvs. doesn't mean the Eagles can't just go all the way back to what I'm gonna call Buddy Ryan Green, because Chip doesn't deserve to be remembered). Are they worried about how much it would cost to make extra helmets? THEY MAKE ELEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS! Just use different helmets and after the game auction em off. People will assume the money is going to charity, but Jeffie Laurie can just use that cash for more windmills (I noticed there were no windmills on the top of the goal posts).


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