Monday, December 5, 2016

Eagles Week Whatever It Is Report Card (Spoiler: STINK. STANK. STUNK.)


Hi everyone Dr. Pizza is not here this week he got passed out celebrating the Penn State win in Indianapolis on Saturday we don't even know if he's still alive to be honest. Enjoy Evan and I talking about eggs and naps. 

Quarterback
ZWR: Welp. Grade: F-

The Evster: Fell asleep in the 2nd quarter, woke up at some point in the 4th, put on Midnight Run with Bobby Deniro and Charles Grodin, had a great day. Grade: A forever

ZWR: Didn’t fall asleep during the game, but did doze off on the couch while the kids watched The Snowy Day (so great, on Amazon Prime if you have it) at around 6:30 it was so nice.

Photo: NPR


Running Backs
ZWR: I love eggs. Made eggs with bacon and avocado (not an omelet, not a scramble- more of a layered jawn) yesterday morning and it was delightful. Wish I had Cholula to top it off but still was excellent. Grade: A+

The Evster: I also love eggs. All kinds, really. Eggs Benny, egg sal, Eggo waffs with a nice runny egg on top. I’m actually eating a hard boiled egg right now. Grade: A forever

ZWR: I make really good scrambled eggs, too. Whip them up with milk or heavy cream (grass-fed organic obvy) and then cook over a really low heat mixing the whole time FLUFFY AF tattoo that on your wife’s face.

The Evster: Look Zoo, I’m glad that we’re bonding over eggs and all, but that’s like Scrambled Eggs-making 101.

ZWR: No way you scrub most people just crack them in the pan and give a few lazy swirls with the burner too hot more like frambled eggs if you ask me DRY AF (“AF” means “as f***”)

The Evster: Literally just dropped my hard boiled egg on the floor.

ZWR: Made hard boiled too The WAH loves them and we are making giant salads one night for dinner.


Receivers
ZWR: Everyone’s all angry because Zach Ertz turned down the opportunity to block Vontaze Burfict but frankly I don’t blame him. Burfict would have legit broken his ankle in half later in the game, and what’s the point in trying when everyone else has already quit? How about my guy Paul “The Burner” Turner?!?!?! Who’d have thought that throwing to someone who knows how to catch and run the right route could be a good idea? Crazy. Grade: Who cares we’re hopeless

The Evster: I stayed awake long enough to see Nelson Agholor almost catch a pass, get absolutely blasted, then have the ball land right in his lap as he laid on the turf in agony. Then the announcers praised him for 20 minutes because he originally came into USC as a running back. Cool football team. Grade: F

Offensive Line
ZWR: I need to amend a prior statement: what’s the point in trying when everyone else EXCEPT FOR JASON PETERS has already quit? There. Big fella is always ready to stand up to the bubbleheads. I love him and hope he never retires. Grade: Jason Peters gets an A, everyone else gets an F-

The Evster: Ever had a Triscuit with melted American cheese on it? Not horrible. Grade: A forever based on Jason Peters doing something once that I can’t remember

Defensive Line
ZWR: For about the first ten weeks of the season people were apoplectic and screaming about Vinny Curry and Connor Barwin getting held, as if there’s some conspiracy. Here’s the secret: when you never get sacks the refs kind of assume that nobody has to hold you. Like, for serious, somebody make a friggin play. Grade: F-

The Evster: I probably should’ve mentioned this in the nap portion of the report card, but I actually took four naps this weekend (one on Friday night, one Saturday morning, another Saturday evening and one obviously during the Eagles game). That’s one of the benefits of not having children (or a working penis), you can basically nap whenever you want. My wife thinks I might be depressed. Grade: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ZWR: I love you that has to count for something! And Penn State won!

Photo: PennLive.com

Linebackers
ZWR: They all stink except for Jordan Hicks. But going back to my eggs, madone! I did them over easy and was not skimpy with the ghee in the pan so they flipped so easily and the yolk was perfectly runny which complimented the texture of the mashed avocado. I might make some avocado toast later for lunch. The Nag made a loaf of paleo bread and I was kind of apprehensive because, well, you know but it’s not that bad and I’m sure even better toasted. Grade: F

The Evster: Do you have a job?

ZWR: Yes dummy but I work from home most days.

The Evster: Literally don’t care.

Eric Allen Memorial Bonerjam and Eggs Benny
ZWR: Did you guys watch the first ep of Top Chef? I love that show. Our cornerbacks all stink. Every single one of them. We’re an NFL team and every cornerback on the roster is terrible. Can’t cover can’t catch can’t tackle. Grade: F-

The Evster: I was away for work last week (FANCY F*** ALERT) so I had to DVR Top Chef and my wife (who is real) watched it without me! Joke’s on her though, I came back from Ohio with a cold sore! Grade: Awesome!

ZWR: Ohio strikes me as very cold sore-y.

Special Teams
ZWR: Wish they’d have scored four touchdowns. But they didn’t, because we stink. Grade: F-

The Evster: Going to see Turquoise Jeep and Flynt Flossy tonight.



ZWR: I’m going to bed at 8:30.

Coaching
ZWR: So it kind of looks like Jeff Lurie was so flustered by the tumultuous end of the Chip Kelly experiment that he hired Doug Pederson strictly because he’s coaching buddies with the guy Lurie had lots of success with ten years ago. Despite the fact that he was the offensive coordinator of one of the worst offenses in football. And didn’t even call plays. Maybe this was not a good idea. If you want someone that made you happy thinking about 2004 just hire Duce Staley he was already on the staff and looks like a legit banger or Brian Westbrook he went to Villanova. Grade: F-

The Evster: I might write an article this week about how people who went to Penn State are the absolute worst f***ing people on the planet. Look for it at f***.com.

1 comment:

  1. My mom was in town, so she suggested my wife and I go out and do something because she could watch the baby. I was all like, oh, we should do something in the morning on Sunday so I can watch the Eagles game, they might win this one even though they stink (because the Bengals stink).

    So any ideas on how to send suggestions back into the past? Cause I could totally have done something less sucky if I'd known everyone was gonna quit. And also made a ton of money sports betting and been future Biff rich.

    ReplyDelete

Leave a comment, or whatever.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...